So much for unblocking blogspot. The moment I start writing here again, the Chinese governement decides to reblock the blogs. They are out to get me, I swear. Fortunately, I was finally introduced to the option of using proxies on sites to access them. Slow and pain in a butt, but a definite option.
I feel like I'm drifting because I don't have a blog. It's like a part of me is missing because I can't access posts written in China and I haven't documented anything that has happened in the past month.
Today, I went on a mission to fix all my blog problems. 5 gigs is screwed for good, I'm positive. Dad set up a subdomain for me under his domain - which he pays good money for - but I can't access it right now. Gargh. The blog transfering will have to wait. I don't feel like a real blogger anymore. This sucks.
There's a lot to update you on. Blah. I hate playing the catch up game. So I won't. But you need to know that I've started quasi-dating this guy I met at a party about a month ago. I made reference to him in the last post, the hot geeky buddhist hippie Texan guy. Yeah. That one. I don't know exactly what this is, and since I leave for home in slightly less than two weeks, I don't think I'll need to worry about it too much. While he was the one who got my number and initiated the friendship with dates and stuff, I am mostly responsible for the relationship that we're tangled in now.
He found my blog and read the last post, and accepted that I had written him off. But I guess I hadn't. I don't know. To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing and it disturbs me. Symptom of some sort of issue I have to deal with. I really don't do this alone thing very well.
I know part of what spurred this was that just after I'd "written him off" in my head, I started talking to Matt again. That scared me, I guess. I opened up to him a little and then I could feel myself wanting to be back with him again and remembering how much I loved him. That makes me vulnerable and easily hurt. So it was convenient to run in the opposite direction.
So I guess in some way, I'm just using this guy.
The thing though, is that I really, really, really like him. Tragic to not be able to expect any future out of this relationship. But at least that's understood and mutual. I could really get attached though, so I'm keeping my guard up. Ish. He's good at making breaks. If I had a choice, I'd grab hold and suck the life out of him by spending every free moment together, just like I did with Matt.
Ugh. I hate being the clingy one. Why is it always me?!
Part of what makes this confusing is that I hardly understand what's going on on his end. I just found out through his blog, which I finally found (with his help) that there's another girl in the picture. Not that she's a real "threat" or anything. But that's not what I'm worried about. I don't get competitive. I usually step back. The point is, that I'm the girl who stepped toes over here. I had no idea about this girl until after. If I did, this would be a non-blog.
I guess what I'm saying is that the secrecy that was present in dating me while still semi-involved with her bothers me. At first, I thought it was him pursuing multiple girls at once. That's something I think is cute and amusing. People always have multiple targets, I get that. But this is on a different level - to me anyway. Things mean too much to me. There's some commitment that I am used to being able to expect, and I can expect none here. I want things to mean something, but they don't and won't.
So it leaves me feeling somewhat insecure. I guess I still carry some scars. Afraid of getting burned.
Besides, while I thought I'd settle for something that was just for fun, I am learning that I really don't know how to do that. I'm looking for someone to be in love
with. The kind that makes your heart jump because there is hope and future. And complete trust.
This guy here, he's been really supportive of the whole celibacy thing. Surprisingly so. That's his most impressive trait yet, I have to say. And there are a ton of other great ones. Also, there is something completely comfortable about him. I open up to him easily. It's easy to talk to him. Matt was an amazing guy, but there were little barriers there when it came to communication. I didn't feel like it was safe to be weak around him. And when depression hit him after he went home, he shut me out. I often felt like I wasn't given room to talk about me. There was plenty of room, but I just didn't know how to come out with it around him. Nothing that couldn't have been worked on but not smooth and easy like an ideal relationship, I guess.
Anwyay. I won't compare. They are too different anyway.
But this is what I like about this... whatever it is.
I'm trying to be good about this still having space thing. My problem is that I don't want space. I never do. Not from people I like in that way anyway. I have to fix this before I ruin another relationship with it.
Issues. Relationships make me realize I'm full of them.
I'm not ready for THE guy. But I don't know how to do alone. Simply said, I'm screwed.
On another front, I don't know why, and this really upsets me, but I'm really dreading going home. I'm seriously thinking about staying here for Christmas (since my brothers won't be there anyway) so I can celebrate it with my friends here who don't have homes either, and then go home to have a late Christmas with the family. The one thing that makes me excited is the warm weather, although I really think that I've been dealing very well with the cold.
It snowed here briefly last week. I was out walking when it first came down. Lucky me. It was beautiful. Beijing is very dry, though, so snow is very rare. There were no traces of it left in the morning.
I don't know exactly how cold it is, and I don't want to know. If I found out, I'd feel cold just knowing that it should be. I just wish the heating in my apartment were better. Getting out of bed is a real challenge every morning.
Ok. Back to not wanting to go home. The problem I guess is that I haven't done anything for my family lately and have kind of been stuck in me me me world. To be a part of the family again makes me feel slightly claustrophobic. Now I swear up and down that I love my family to pieces. And I do. But what I mean more is that I did. When I was with them. And spent time with them. And thought about them. I've completely detached myself from them. I don't call home unless it's a birthday, pretty much because it's so exhausting. I hate that attitude.
I think that this is a definite symptom of something bigger. It could be that I'm trying to hide from them because I feel inadequate. Something. Anyway, I know I will remember how much I miss them when the time comes. All the more reason why I need to go home. I need to be reminded about what's most important.
I wish I could apply the same detachment skills into other more useful areas in life.
Anyway. This turned out to be a blog written out of some sort of emptiness again. Ugh. I am happy often, I swear! I just don't blog when I am.
Other quick updates:
1) I ate a scorpion just before Halloween. It was yummy.
2) Isaac gave me his iPod mini. But I dropped it a week after. Now it's dead.
3) My bike was stolen for the 3rd time today. It's no longer upsetting. Just funny. I've been on a "losing streak" lately. 3 bikes, 2 cellphones, a whole backpack with all my money (over 1000 RMB) in it, my right glove...
4) I've been knitting. It's like my latest obsession. And I admit that the reason I like it is because it's feminine and fits into that stereotype with some maternal figure. So much for being a feminist.
5) I bought a Christmas tree for my place. It's taller than I am. And it was cheap. I love it.
6) Roommate left for Taiwan for a couple of months a coupla weeks ago. Will be back sometime in February when I plan to get back from Malaysia too. I've been offereing people a place to stay like crazy because while I REALLY like not having her boyfriend over here anymore (it's not that I don't like her bringing boyfriends over. I just don't like him. I feel so much more at peace with myself now that I've admitted it instead of trying to be nice and love everyone)I don't like being alone in this house. I like people. Company.
7) I have a new calling. Branch Pianist. Hah. It follows me everywhere. No matter how big the branch and how much talent, I still end up with 2 callings. Makes me feel important, I guess. But I'm just glad to be able to play the piano.
8) I went to my first full-body massage a while back with my roommate. I hated every minute of it. Why? Because I'm too freaking shy to ask the masseus to go lighter. The second time was much better.
9) I have gained weight! How much? FIVE FREAKING KILOGRAMS! You know what that means? I am heavier now that I've ever been before! And you know, it's not because of Chinese food. It's because McDonalds is right next door and too convenient. How sad.
Ok. Next list, wishlist.
1) Pro-account for Flickr
. I hit the 200 picture mark. And I want more than 3 photosets.
2) External hard drive. I've run out of room for music on my laptop. Must have more music!
3) Piano. Or a keyboard that feels like one (with suspension pedals!) anyway. I neeeeeeeed to play piano more than once a week.
4) Warm clothes. I have stuff to keep warm. I just have to keep wearing them. I'm used to going 2-3 weeks without repeating anything. This is weird.
5) Another Heater!!! Or cold air not to come in through my CLOSED windows!
Huh. I thought my wishlist was longer. Well, I'm sure I'll think of a few more things. More affordable ones. And maybe more fun and less practical ones. I'll let you know.
I know what I really want. But nobody could give that to me. Plus, I don't think I'm ready for it.
I can be patient.