Date Report.

Who: Nephi Frank Tanuvasa, Canoe Pusher.
When: 6:45pm
Where: Mililani Town
What: Dinner at Tasty Korean BBQ (mmm, chicken Katsu), pit stop at Wal-Mart (got headphones!), Circle-Island drive in his truck, stop for Slurpees at 7-11, detour to the temple, prayer while parked right outside, home by 11.30pm. Talked a lot, laughed a ton. Cheeks sore afterwards. Great time.


Background

I mentioned briefly in a previous blog about the rumors that have been spreading at work, about a certain canoe boy who has been interested in me. I spend a good amount of time kicking it with the canoe boys at work when I can which is where I learned about it. I wasn't sure whether to trust them or not, so I just laughed it away. Miraculously, every time I've been there, Nephi would be on the other landing so I could never be sure.

Well, on the day of Fall Ball, I was asked by the boys at the landing if I was going to the ball.

"Oh no, I haven't been asked so I'm not going."

"What, you mean Nephi hasn't asked you?"

They then tried to ask me for him. It was ludicrous, really, but very funny to watch. I let them know that if Nephi was to ask that I would not turn him down, but that without sufficient time to plan, going on a date to the ball that very evening would be a pretty bad idea.

Then there was the wild goose chase. They radioed for him to come down to the landing where I was, but I had to return to my guests before he arrived. Later, I went to the other landing while he was there to send off one family on a canoe ride, but we missed each other in the chaos. I went back to the first landing to pick up the guests from their ride and learned that Nephi had been informed of his "duty". That he had said that he didn't have money for the ball, so the guys pitched in their quarters to help out. Gotta love them canoe pusher boys. Have you seen them minus a shirt? Oooh.

Anyway, they asked where I would be next so I let them know. Nephi finally caught up to me at my last stop for the day in the island presentation of Samoa. It was rather awkward. As he walked up to me, I knew exactly who he was and what he was going to do. Yet we had never really spoken before.

He stuck out his hand. "Hi, I'm Nephi."

Handshake. A giggle from me.

"Yeah, I know you. I've heard a lot about you. Hehe. I'm Faye, but you already knew that."

Wink.

"So... I'm supposed to ask you out on a date. When are you available?"

Hey, it was better than the one date he had told me about with a girl he had liked and was set up with in a situation similar to this one (so she was totally expecting it) for a dating etiquette activity. He had said "So... I guess I'm assigned to you."

It was cute and I had a good laugh. I enjoy tormenting a nervous guy with butterflies and find it absolutely amusing (in a good way) when they say the wrong things in their awkwardness. Makes me feel like some sort of evil goddess.

Somehow we managed to establish that since I pretty much had zero definite plans for the entire weekend, Saturday would be a good day for a date. The exchange of phone numbers soon followed. Ok, so it was more of me trying to write my phone number down onto the inside of the tag he was wearing for the Voyage of Faith donation drive.

It worked. He called me. We had a date tonight. A good one too.



The Guy

Samoan, born and raised in LA, moved to Laie when he was 10, served a mission in Las Vegas, just got home recently, that makes him 21 years old I think, eldest of 6 kids – he’s very pleased that we have that in common, as am I. Except that his is inversed. There are 2 boys and 4 girls in his family. Best friends with the guy I last went on a date on. Very much into football, something I know nothing about at all.

What else you wanna know?

All in all, very nice guy, very funny, easy to talk to, we have very little in common as far as background goes so I see no potential (could just be my preconceived notions, but I’m unsure) but I feel I can trust him and we get along well.

We also established on the way home, that his father was the 1st counselor in the bishopric of my last ward. It all made sense after that.



The Date

It was inexpensive, which was how I wanted it to be. Very casual. He was good at calling the shots and I like that because I hate deciding on where to eat and what to do when I’m not the one paying. We did have to flip a coin once though. I will always bring a coin with me on a date from now on.

Most of our date was spent in the car – driving around and talking. We exchanged embarrassing stories and laughing about them made the atmosphere very comfortable. I told him my farting-while-with-Richie story. It made him laugh.

We also addressed the issue of dating etiquette: door-opening in particular. When he first picked me up in his truck, he hesitated for a minute, as did I, but by the time he was getting ready to get out, I had laughed and said “It’s ok, I can save you the trouble and open it myself.” It really doesn’t bother me when guys don’t think of it.

After dinner though, he paused outside his truck and asked me if I wanted him to open doors for me and such. I explained that it really didn’t make a difference to me, but it’s always a nice gesture. I told him of how I would fight Mark to open my own door every time. He almost always got the door for me when going in, but I hardly ever had the patience to wait for him to open the door for me on the way out. Since some girls are picky about things like that, I advised him to make it a rule of thumb to always open the door unless told otherwise. He didn’t miss opening a door for me afterward. I also learned that it helps to take longer to gather up your stuff when leaving the car so you can give the guy a chance to get the door for you. What strange ways we have.

Some of the other topics of conversation included family, school, football, friends, work, the mission, corporal punishment, older siblings, Malaysia, LA, soccer… I don’t remember. We talked about a ton of things.

Oh, we talked about taking up new last names some. I told him of someone I knew who had the last name Gay and her step mom who had the first name Gay, then became Gay Gay. We had a good laugh over that. He said that if he had to take on a new last name, anything would be fine as long as it didn’t rhyme with his first name. We both concluded that Fei Gay would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but it was definitely worth laughing about until our sides split.

I better not write down every single thing we talked about. 1) It would take to long. 2) I still need to go on other dates, I may need to reuse this conversation and it would suck if someone read it here already!

Saying goodnight was kind of funny. We hugged, but then took a little longer to finish our conversation so we ended with a handshake. Hehehehe.



In conclusion, it was a great date. A++ I’d totally do it again. According to him, that was one of the best dates he’d ever been on. What can I say? I have my magical ways… I won’t be modest: I do make a good date. And girlfriend. And wife. Any bidders?

I’ve made a new friend, but am really nervous about what’s going to happen from now on. Am not sure I am interested in pursuing anything more, even though we hit it off really well, and am afraid that he will want more. I won’t know what to do then. However, that’s not something I need to worry about quite yet so I won’t.

I have now been on more official dates than I can count on one hand! Yippee! I didn’t even need to use my T-shirt as a cue card this time. The men just want me.





A date in which I have the lighter skin and he has the wider nose.

We interrupt this sickening broadcast with a more uplifting post

I live right down the street from the house of God.


I took that picture tonight while I was by the temple. There was a girl on my tour today, Jessica, a recent convert to the church, who wanted to see the Laie Temple after the Luau. She came to the PCC with her brother, father and 7 other members of her extended family all of whom I got to host today, but none of them wanted to go with her on the tram tour. They were nearly mocking her for wanting to see the temple so I offered to meet up with her after dinner (off the clock) and accompany her myself. I hadn't been on the grounds for a long time anyway.

The temple overflows with so much peace and serenity that you can feel it even when you drive past it. It was glowing so beautifully as always and I was glad for the chance to see the temple this week. I really need to go more often.

That's not what I needed to blog about, though. I wanted to talk about this instead:

As soon as I got back on the tram that would bring us all back to the PCC, in the state of a spiritual high, the first words I heard from a guest sitting 2 rows behind me were "polygamy" "as many wives as they want" and "whites only, no blacks allowed" were like a slap in the face. Two couples were having a discussion amongst themselves about our religion and were asking each other questions neither of them could answer. Of course, being a tourguide and a member of the church, I felt obligated to offer to settle the confusion.

All that led to were more questions phrased more like accusations and the use of the word "cult". Boy, I don't think I've ever heard that word used outside of describing the faith that I belong to. I listened silently, trying to laugh to myself about the absurdity of the entire situation, and now and then attempted to disagree with them as gently as possible without provoking too much more discussion. Thank goodness the temple isn't far from the PCC. Kamaki the tram driver tried to pitch in once but I learned later that he had to bite his tongue because he was getting angry.

What we "talked" about is not important. What was important was that none of that discussion invited the spirit. A couple of them had genuine questions, and I appreciated them, but the leader of the discussion only wanted to convince us and all the other guests on the tour that Mormonism was one big evil scheme. Thank goodness most of the other people there didn't speak English. I was also glad that the Sisters hadn't gotten on the tram with us. I don't know how I handled the situation, but for some reason, I was glad that the Sisters didn't have to. I think that they would have been more defenseless against those accusations because they have to be more careful with what they say in reply.

When we finally reached our destination, everyone disembarked, and the lead accuser parted with the exhortation to Jessica, Kamaki and I to study deeper into our religion, see the light and leave it.

I had managed to keep the discussion light (I hope) and I don't think that I ever got defensive. But I was still upset. I was upset at the man for having wasted his time and our time on tour with him. For going to the sacred grounds only to speak ill of it. Mostly, I was upset that he left no room for the spirit. I was upset for him chasing it away when we could have had its companionship the entire time we were driving back from the temple, contemplating its majesty and significance. Instad, I had to spend the entire time trying to find the right words to protect what I held sacred, and to keep him from shaking the foundation of my friend Jessica who has only just discovered the truth.

I thought that I was Ok with it at first. I thought I had enjoyed it, almost, since I hadn't spoken about my religion to a non-member for the longest time. I remember when my own boyfriend was saying the same things and I had to defend myself everyday. I remember when I was used to answering all those tough questions. I thought it had felt good to do it again.

But then, as soon as I stepped off from the tram after a brief discussion about it with Kamaki and started walking towards the Cafeteria for dinner, I found tears streaming from my face. I couldn't understand it. I usually cry when I am extremely frustrated or angry. It could have been that, but I didn't feel it at all. It could have been that I had suppressed it so I could keep smiling and keep things light until not even I had not even realized how upset I really was. All I remember was that I just felt so sad.

I can't desribe it exactly. I've spent most of my time since then trying to analyze it. I remember feeling extremely sad (I was crying) yet incredibly grateful at the same time. I came to a realization that my foundation had not been shaken in the least - only strengthened more. I was reminded that the reason I am firmly planted in the gospel today has been because of all the challenges and trials I have faced before, and the people who have tried to undermine my faith. I wouldn't have the same testimony if I hadn't had the need to decide for myself what the truth is time and time again.

Grattitude filled my heart and I remember thinking "My cup runneth o'er". I felt so blessed to have such a clear knowledge and for the light I have received. It was such a strong feeling, strangely mingled with feelings of sorrow for that particular man who had no light nor understanding. Suddenly, I wasn't upset. I thought of Enos after his mighty wrestling before the Lord and his yearning for the welfare of his brethren, and then his enemies. For a brief moment, I had a small taste of the charity he had felt for others. Words fail to convey the magnitude of that experience. All I can say is that all of the sudden I was struck with this undeniable burning desire to serve a mission so I could bring that light into the lives of those who were genuinely seeking.

And that leads to the whole dilemma of "do I serve a mission or not?" something I've been struggling with for a long time. I am still constantly pondering about it, but this blog needs to come to an end.

I just hope that I never forget that incredible feeling that overcame me today. Whether or not I serve a full time mission can be decided later. Today, I've decided that I want to do as my patriachal blessing says and be a missionary in heart and in deed everyday, starting now.

Deflowered....

...by a tube of "cotton and/or rayon fiber, rayon overwrap attached to a "cotton cord" and a "biodegradable applicator". Tampax brand.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen: thanks to my pads for running out, today I have officially crossed over to the other side of tampon usage. And you get to hear AAAALLLLL about it!

Dum dum dummmmmmmmmmmmm...!

It was painless and easy as I expected (Hey, I told you there will be no stigma on my wedding night.) Amazing what you can learn to do by yourself over the internet. Now I feel like a doll that will say something when you pull on the string attatched to my body. Like Woody. Too graphic? Sorry...

So yeah, goodbye bloody, stinky messes and not being able to swim one week out of a month and hello to a world of flushable feminine products!

I'm a new woman!

(Wow, a post you could read without having to scroll - that felt good!)

In prevention of a blog drought

I thought I'd better post something since Emily pointed out how I hadn't posted since I advertised "The Caf". I told her how I just didn't have much to blog about. I haven't felt inspired.

I did post a really long blog on The Caf though, a post about kissing entitled "Peaches, Plums, and/or Alfalfa". Ever since then I've been obsessed with reading all the comments people have left regarding that and all the other posts that have been contributed by others. I'm sorry, I don't mean to neglect this.

I'm not exactly sure why I haven't had the desire to blog about me lately. It's not that I have nothing to talk about. I suppose if I really wanted to, I could tell you about how on Tuesday, I was curious as to what my blog was like contentwise a few months ago so I read through some of the posts I wrote in August and September and was reminded of the whole drama of Mark leaving.

Ever cry for yourself? I did. I felt sorry for me, not now, but for the me I was then. It felt good, but it also pulled me back to that time emotionally just a little bit. Being single without a guy to turn my focus on is difficult for me. I've turned it to blogging instead. But every once in a while the void pulls me back to Mark just a little. The feelings of bitterness come back. I remember being angry at everyone that day. Angry at Mark, angry at Richie... mostly I think I was just angry at myself for still looking back so much.

Mark, by the way, is doing wonderful. He finally got the courage to ask the girl he was interested in on a date, and it went well. I'm very excited for him, despite what you may think. It isn't the most wonderful thing in the world to lose your place in someone's heart, but he hasn't had many friends since he moved. I'd much rather him be happy than loving me and lonely. I suppose it's easier because in my mind, I've already lost him and I don't have to go through the emotions of losing him all over again. In a way, I also want this to work about because then I would feel justified in giving him up. She sounds like a wonderful person who has much more in common with Mark than I ever did. I hope this actually goes somewhere. I really do.

Of course, my first choice would be to have him with me here still so I could be his and he could be mine. But since that is no longer an option, I think this is a very optimal second choice. My turn will come soon. In the meantime, I'll borrow his excitement and his happiness.

I suppose I could also tell you how I helped Glenn film the movie again on Wednesday night. I've been helping him one or two days everyweek out of the semester, since I was in the last movie, I didn't get casted into this one, but I wanted to be involved so I volunteered to help. I do little things like help move the lights, manage the props, but my mostly I take pictures for Glenn to post online here. I don't really need to be there, so it gets boring sometimes, although on that night we filmed shooting (we got to use blanks!) and blood. It was cool. That and I discovered the prop stash...


"Hey Glenn, can I borrow these for my honeymoon?"

Yeah, I had fun.

If I was in the mood, I could also have told you of how I gave Shem a soapbox for his birthday on Thursday. It's funny if you know Shem. It was my idea, but Jared helped me obtain the materials (I was unsucessful) then helped me put it together with Jolley. Carrera saved us with her duct-tape. The whole idea would have fallen apart without her. Literally. We had cut up a large box to fold around the crate we found so it was sturdy enough to stand on, but still box-like and I wrote a huge "SOAP" on one side. I don't know what Shem thought of the gift, but he was cool enough to step on it to let me take a picture.


Shem preaching about something I wasn't paying attention to because I was trying to get my camera to work. He was waving around the Nerds Rope I gave him in one hand and in the other the 3 bars of soap (in boxes, just in case!) from me, and the shaving cream from Jared.
This is how I want to always remember Shem.

We went to Temple beach that night, intending to have a bonfire, but we just sat around in the dark till slightly past 1am listening to Shem serenade us with song after song on his guitar. The sky was clear that night and the moon was behind us so the stars were out and clear. We saw a good number of shooting stars. I am going to miss that so much if I ever manage to get dragged away from this place again. Breathtaking.


Look at what poor college students have to do when they're not on the meal plan... Hehe. Justin caught those crabs and then let them go right where we were. One crawled over my foot. *shudder*



Shem and his girl-heart-stealing-machine making beautiful music. He's wearing the headband I wove for him on the way to the beach. Coconut leaves are awesome things!



The serenading must've worked or something. At one point, there were 4 of us giving him a massage at the same time. Why didn't I get that on my birthday?


If I didn't blog about that, I could've blogged about how I got to watch "THE INCREDIBLES" on Friday. Holy heck that was a cool movie! I loved every minute of it. I didn't go to see it with most of my friends last week because Vasu and some of his friends (one of which I thought was really cute) were seing it this weekend, so I waited. As a result, half of us that went to the theater saw Polar Express instead. So did the cute guy! Oh well. The Incredibles was worth it.

Speaking of cute guys, there's been some excitement going on at work. I suppose I could tell you about that too. Remember the friend I went on a date with not too long ago? Well, Tonu'd been coming up to me with little tit-bits like "Someone who works here thinks your cute." or "Do you have a boyfriend?" and then "Would you go on a date with a friend if he asked you?" There's someone I work with who's interested in me, I knew it wasn't Tonu because he and I are just friends who flirt alot and he wouldn't speak so vaguely if it was him anyway. It's someone else he knows.

I hung out with the Canoe Boys at work again on Friday, and the lead, Veni (who happens to be in my ward at for church as well) said that one of "his boys" was interested in me and has been asking everyone about me. I just laughed about it and said he could've just come to me. Veni volunteered his name without me asking. I don't really know this guy very well at all, in fact, I was thinking that it was another one of the Canoe boys. I don't know this guy much at all, so I don't know what I think about him. Still, having a near stranger pick me out is very flattering. Makes me wonder what it is about me he's noticed. Where I do have days when I feel really beautiful, and I do consider myself physically attractive, I know that I'm no super model and there are plenty who think of me as average-looking.

It's a nice idea to have someone notice you just for the way you look, but I'd very much rather someone be struck by my awesome personality because that's where I put most of my focus. I want my looks to be a plus, although still as great as my personality. The fact is though, that I can improve on more than I can the other I put more emphasis on what I have more control over. I don't think this is a potential boyfriend or anything, but I'm enjoying this for now.

On a side note, I still have not been asked to Fall Ball. I don't want to keep bringing it up because I don't want to sound like I'm hinting to be asked. I'm not. It'd be nice to get asked, and yes, I would like to go, but I don't want someone to ask me just because I wanted to be asked.

Anyway, my sister needed a dress so she came over and I lent her one that I had bought while home in Malaysia (it's cheaper there). I've never worn it before, but I really don't care about that. Small kine. She tried the dress on, and for fun, I put on the other nice dress that I have. The one I lent to her last ball (I was home in Malaysia then but the dress wasn't) and to another girl the winter ball a year before that, I haven't gotten to wear that one yet either. It made me really want an excuse to wear it, but I will have to wait. I really don't mind lending it out to other people because then the dress is good for something even if I never go to a ball ever again. I spent very little money on both dresses so I'm not worried. It makes me feel noble anyway.

Since I'm on a roll with blogging now, I might as well tell you about today. Su and I went to watch The Broadway Cabaret performance together tonight. It was amazing and left us both thoroughly jealous afterwards. When we were younger, the few exposures we had to broadway were through The Young Ambassadors from BYU. We fell in love with them and from then on, we decided that we wanted to be one of them when we grew up. Well, at some point, years later, I finally realized that I could neither sing, dance, nor act so I gave up on the idea. My sister didn't. She's planning to transfer to BYU soon and try to get into their Music, Dance and Theater program. Regretfully, she has no voice training still, but she is a theater major while she is here, taking alot of acting classes (strangely, she's still never been in a play/movie before while I have been in a couple) and is very involved with dance (the gymnastics helps).

Watching the Broadway Cabaret was different from watching the Young Ambassadors because I knew all of the people involved but 2 or 3 of them. When we were younger, we idolized those amazing singers and actors. Today, we see that they are people like us with amazing talent. I still wish I could sing like that. Oh. I covet their voices. And I would kill to marry someone wonderful who can perform like that. The only problem is that they always date among themselves. It's like a criteria to marry someone as good as you when it comes to artistic talent. I'm nowhere near close to where they are.

Thankfully, I haven't been completely stripped of musical talent. I play the piano. I can be good when I actually practise. I was told by Dr. Bradford in conducting that I am very talented at that. I have alot of respect for him, so that is a huge compliment. Speaking of which, I have a test on Monday for conducting. I'm so nervous about that. One of the Hymns I chose was 197 "O Savior Thou Who Wearest A Crown", a hymn I've come to love through Mark. Dr. Bradford was pleased that I chose a tune by Bach. I had no idea.

Speaking of talent, the Singapore Malaysia and Vietnamese club had a talent show today. It consisted of the same 5 people going up and performing as groups and as individuals a couple of times a piece. All musical. It was a very interesting talent show. Su and I were planning on doing something non-musical like a skit or something, but with lack of preparation, it didn't come through. (Crap, why didn't I think of Magic?!) Instead, I got pulled into a performance with Su and Kheng Saik. Tanielle was supposed to play with them but because they changed the day of the Talent Show, she had to work and couldn't make it. Tanielle plays the violin.

In case you didn't know, I took about a year's worth of lessons on the violin before leaving for Hawaii the first time. Since leaving for college 2 years ago, I've touched a violin 3 times total. Tanielle lent me her violin and I had a couple of hours to practice with Su. I still remembered how to play, I just sucked at it. We managed to perform somehow. Kheng Saik and Su played beautifully but I screeched and fumbled.


A "talent" show you say?


Did you check out that look on my face? I'm not used to being unskilled. I take pride in being good at what I do: violin is not one of them yet. It was horrible. I felt sorry for Su and Kheng Saik - I hope I didn't butcher their performance too much. I felt so much more pressure performing after a great show by the Cabaret. Never again!

We left the talent show early (they were just stretching it unnecessarily anyway) and went to a get together in David's house in Haula. Played 2 rounds of Mafia. I got to be the only surviving Mafia the first time, (I've had alot of practice with lying) but the second time around, I was the last of the detectives to get killed - just when I was going to nail the murderers too! It was good fun though.

When we were ready to go home, the van wouldn't start! We got out the jumper cables and it was funny observing how the guys had no idea how to jumpstart a car. It ended up being just an anti-theft button thing we didn't think to turn. Hah. We felt pretty smart afterwards. It still made for some fun pictures though.


Yes, these are the people I spend my time with everyday...

So there you have it, I blogged about my week, thinking that I had nothing to blog about. Chris Rusch said that the requirement for a good post is that it be short. Well, I don't know what a good blog is then. This long post probably did not interest you in the least, but having recorded all of the fun things I got to do this week has left me grateful for the friends I have. They really do make my experience here a great one.

[happy sigh]

The great thing about long blogs is that you may start off kind of sad, but if you keep writing for a few more hours, your mood changes and you end up with a happy post in the end.

Food For Thought: The Cafeteria Chronicle

Blogger nerds unite!

As if recreating my blog wasn't enough for me to do, I was inspired by some of the collaborative blogs and the interesting discussions we've had in some posts, and have created brand new blog!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you

THE CAFETERIA CHRONICLE

Dum dum DUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

I've invited a few people in our social group who I thought might be interested in voicing their opinions and initiating some fun discussions to join. So far Erika, Judge, Jared, Shem and I are listed as contributors and Chris will officially be registered soon.

I was worried that my idea wouldn't get any support. Boy was I wrong! Within the first 24 hours, everyone I've invited, save one person, has accepted. Already I have posted twice, Jared once, and Shem (Shem, who I thought would be above blogging) posted a poem.

Right now, I'm kind of functioning as editor and Jared has been working with me, chipping with some fun ideas and he did some blog tweaking on his end. I am extremely excited about the group of people I have to work with.

Chris is one of the wittiest people I know with a wonderfully cynical humor who knows alot about current events and star wars movies. He is more familiar with politics than any of us do, has an endless stock of good movie quotes and does great impressions with his voice.

Erika is an English Major very much involved with theatre. She is great at writing and is a woman with depth and intellect. Opiniated and strong willed, she is also very talented in photography. She knows how to work a Mac and can put together a great montage in less than an hour.

Jared is extremely multi-talented. He's a techy who knows more about computers than I do (it is his major after all), the "funny guy" in our social group with lots of fun ideas when it comes to web publishing. Also a great hook-up for good music and a great actor.

Judge is a deep thinker, very much accustomed to pondering the larger issues. (He was talking about doing a first post discussing stem-cell research) He is a philosopher, a seeker of world peace and an aspiring criminal law attorney who happens to take nice pictures. Also knows how to dance to swing and latino music.

Shem self-titled poet, roachslayer and first-class toast burner is wonderfully creative and fiercely protects his stance in many issues (he has a portable soap-box). He wrote, directed, filmed and edited the movie "The Nobody" starring Jared which was a huge hit. He writes songs and poetry, sings, plays guitar and acts. He has the heart of many women - especially my roommate's.

And then there's me, the relationship expert who really can talk and write ALOT and slaves for a blog - for fun!

Really, there couldn't be a better group of people put together for this. I mean, just look at them:


Jared and Shem with the thong and nylons Jared got from Justin for his birthday.

There may be some of you who after reading what we've published who want to be a part of it. I want to make sure everyone feels included, so just ask. Really, though, what we need aren't more writers, but more readers who are willing to comment and discuss the topics and issues we address. These topics may include politics. relationships, religion, ideals, TV show reviews, movies, 80s fashion, what the caf was serving that evening, the latest Strong Bad email... anything, really. It's our publication - we'll put in whatever we feel like.

We've already started some discussions so come join us, we'd love to hear what you think. Currently, the issues are geared more towards BYUH students, but as soon as everyone else starts posting, we may talk about all sorts of other things that involve the outside world as well. There will be something for everyone. Once we get rolling, I'm going to launch a publicity campaign or something and see if we can get the school newspaper to endorse us. I'm dreaming up so BIG things here. You can help us by building up our reader base.

Ok, enough said. Make sure you visit us at The Cafeteria Chronicle and tell all your friends about us! You will be enriched.

Oh happy day!

How would you react if you found out that the person you spent the last month trying to "hook up" with (and couldn't because you thought he was hung up over a girl far away) just got a new girlfriend - some other girl he just met two weeks ago - and had talked about her to you, except he had misled you into thinking that he was talking about his new guitar (which was probably named after her) the whole time?

Phew that was a long sentence. Once you've decoded what I just said, you'll know what happened to me.

Strangely, I am not surprised - nor am I hurt.

It's confusing because I feel that I should be, but I'm not. While he did lead me on just a little bit at the beginning, there were too many red lights along the way and I managed to protect myself from getting hurt.

It's kind of hard to think about not being attractive enough to someone to be their first choice. However, it isn't crushing news. I have enough self-esteem - or pride - to look at it as his loss, not mine. There was something missing between us anyway. We were too different. He made the right choice, I think. I'd rather it be that I was the right choice, but I can't say I know that for sure.

In a way, I'm glad that he's getting together with a girl who is from here, closer by, and has more in common with him than the other girl or I did. I haven't met her yet, nor do I know much about her at all, but I like her already.

All I am saying is that I am happy for Richie. By golly, I think I've moved on! I wish him nothing but the best, and her: a ring by Spring.

This news didn't ruin the good day I started out having. I'm grateful.


Mama Jolley and I after church today.

You should have seen how happy she was earlier today. Whoah! She was all giggly when she was getting dressed for church. She said "Oh, I just love Jesus this morning!" and the high lasted all through church and lunch. I wondered what she was smoking and why I didn't get offered any! She didn't need to though - whatever she had was contagious. I couldn't help but have a great day as well.


I wish we could be as happy as we were today everyday.

I have the awesomest roommate ever.

Quote of the semester:

Said across the dinner table to me in the cafeteria: (paraphrased)

"It's like you're a part-time college student and blogging is your full-time job."
- Kheng Saik Lim

Amen braddah!

Two sleepless nights later....

I present to you the largest HTML, CSS and Javascript code MESS made in blog template history, ever!

After months of nagging and dragging my feet (plus a few feeble attempts), I have finally changed my template!

[Holds up cue card that says "Applaud and cheer!"]

Before that though, let's observe a moment of silence for the passing of my beloved blog template. She served me well.

[Revered silence]

OOOOoook! Moving on. After hours more of painful labor, a new blog has been born!

I apologize for not changing the color scheme too much and if anything, for making it girlier than ever. Hey, I wanted to keep it light and cheery without having it hurt your eyes too much, and really, this took so long that I couldn't be bothered to figure out which colors go with which.

I'm really proud of myself for all the cool new stuff that I've added to my blog (I just discovered blogger hacks!) and for completely changing the original template around. Hey, I don't want to have a blog that looks like everyone else's!

This is how my old template originally looked like:




Except that blogger didn't have the profile feature and such back then. It was much simpler.

This is how it looked like after I gave it a facelift and tweaked it a little at a time: (you're all familiar with this)




You have to admit that's pretty cool! Well, I think it is because I really knew close to nothing about HTML when I first started blogging (this was the at the very beginning of this year, I was home in Malaysia then). I spent a long time trying to change the colors in my template the first time because I had to figure out through trial and error what the code meant and what it did.

When I was done, I became somewhat familiar with CSS and HTML and would look at the templates of other bloggers, picking up ideas from all over. I still can't construct a blog from scratch, but I can read code and understand what it does - for the most part, and copy and paste and edit. So I'm a script kitty, but a good one at that!

This is what the original template for my current blog looked like pre-Faye:




Yeah. We're talking major cosmetic surgery here...

Ok, ok, enough boasting. I hope that you like the way it looks. Let me know what you think and if something isn't working right. This is a work in progress still. There will be bugs to fix I'm sure. Leave me a comment or two - I did some really cool things with my comments.

I'm transitioning from Haloscan to my tweaked version of blogger comments, by the way, so please comment on the new comment window. I'm just leaving the old ones to read for now. They get deleted after four months but I'll probably just get rid of them by then. I'm right now just reluctant of getting rid of the few comments I have on my blog. I don't get that many as it is - I want this place to at least sort of populated!

Ok, so I'm all out of ways to make this blog end with a bang. I'm fresh out of funnies. I better go now. I've sacrificed enough social life over my baby as it is!

Blog Therapy.

I was about to swear off emotional posts for a while because I really don't like the light they portray me in, and while I realize that I can play Dynamite until I go numb or sleep it away and that things will be completely different tomorrow morning, I will lose out on so much self-discovery if I don't take the time to understand what I am feeling and why by blog therapy.

The last thing I need right now is to be afraid to be me. I don't want to have to hide from my feelings so if you don't like reading this kind of thing, DON'T! You'd rather I blog about something else? Tough! This is my blog and I'll do whatever I darn well please with it. *makes a face at you*

Alot and nothing has been going on in my life at the same time and it has been a whirlwind of ups and downs that have happened too fast for my brain to catch up with. In essence, I simply don't know what's going on in my life and how I am really doing. The truth is, I'm not sure I want to know for fear that I might not be doing as well as I'd like to be.

Let's start with today. Today was an interesting day. I didn't sleep all night because I was working on my paper for biopsychology, I took an easy test in conducting class, worked on my paper somemore,and then went to work very, very tired.

Work, however, turned out to be exceptionally good. I must have given one of my best tours ever. Once again, Heavenly Father answered my prayer. I knew I needed a good day at work today and I got one. Everyone in my group was over 50, I'm pretty sure, but they were very fun and kept up with everything - even with 2 people in wheelchairs (and that's usually like a double-whammy-bad-day setup). There were 13 people in my group total. They all got along, they all loved me to pieces. I got tipped a total of $70 today because they refused to take no for an answer. Man today would have been a good day to be dishonest.

It's ok. Like I said, I owe the good day to Heavenly Father anyway.

The highlight of my day was quite unexpected. One of the women on my tour, Patty from Tennessee decided to sit out of the IMAX movie because she had a drink she couldn't bring in. I was exhausted, I had a musubi in my pocket I was scheduling to eat that and maybe an ice-cream before taking a nap during that 45 minute break. At times like these, any guide would naturally think "Oh great - what now?" I did that too, but my conscience got the better of me and I sat down with her to keep her company anyway.

Well, the 45 minutes flew by so quickly as she told me about her life. It started when I asked her how she met her husband. I found out about how they met in college - love at first sight - and how they only had $60 between them when they first got married and that they lived in a trailer. I learned of her divorced daughter (and her 13 year old daughter and 12 year old son) and her musician son who had a 3-year-old with Autism. I found out that she had been involved in nursery at her church (I believe they were Methodist, because she told me she went to a methodist college)and how she had a child with Autism in her nursery then which helped her recognize that there was something amiss in her grandson. I heard of how she helped her husband through architectural school, how he got drafted into the war, how they met the friends they were travelling with 35 years ago, when their daughter was 1. How they finally became neighbors. She told me about being the maid of honor for her daughter in law when their son remarried. I know that she was a music major in college and met her husband through choir. I also know that she can't sing anymore because of surgery - like Julie Andrews. I heard of how her son became a very popular guitarist at age 15 and would give out chewed guitar picks to the girls. She told me that her marriage had been mostly smooth - her husband made it easy, she said.

When I asked her what the highlight of her life was, she couldn't decide. She mentioned many things, like the birth of her children, her grandchildren, but what struck me was that she mentioned had him. Larry, her husband. There were problems, she said, but as long as he was there, they were easy.

She told me how he had said to her that he had said to her on this vacation "You know, I love going on vacation with you - you're so much fun!" They've been married 45 years. Her advice to me was just to always have fun and laugh a lot with my companion.

*sigh*

That 45 minutes was not long enough. I know it sounds like she talked alot. She did, but I did too. We found that we had alot in common and I could relate to stories about her children with my sibblings and I. It was strange. It was just like we were old friends.

That conversation left me in such awe and wonder. I told her it was interesting to learn about how her life turned out because I don't see that far ahead. I wonder which friends I'll keep till then. Where I'll live, what I'll be doing, and it was a comfort to know that things could work out so wonderfully well, even after a gazillion problems and challenges. I just needed to know, today, that much joy lies ahead.

Oh I had a great day at work.

I left work all high and happy but something happened when I left. I don't know what exactly or when. Maybe my tiredness caught up with me. I had helped Glen film his movie again today. He actually let film one small part today. Wow. I went to Hale 4 where Richie was working today because he had asked me to visit him if I had time earlier today.

Well, I went and visited him and made small-talk with him while I was there really not knowing what I was doing there. When it was time for the girls to leave, I still hadn't really talked to Richie but I was ready to say goodnight to him and go home. Only he asked if I could wait a little longer. He wanted to "cruise". Sure. I told him I'd come back at midnight.

I went home with this strange sinking feeling inside me. I don't know how, when, or why I but I remember realizing sometime today that something's missing. I've been feeling empty and aimless. Not a state I enjoy being in. I really wasn't anxious to go back out to see Richie, for some reason I didn't anticipate something good.

Back tracking just a little bit, I need to say that the emptiness is very much legitimate. Over a week ago and again yesterday, I sort of re-broke-up with Jared. *sigh* I hadn't meant to blog about it, but I think I might need to. Get it out. Tell someone. How about everyone?

I've always suspected that Jared wasn't as over me as he claimed. I would ask sometimes, but he'd lie about it. I didn't want to push the issue because I preffered playing ignorant and wanted to believe that if I ignored it, it wouldn't exist.

Everytime I am single, Jared goes through this "Hmmm, maybe now I can date Fei again" phase. It happened after Mark left. I have to say that I relied on him alot for a friend and we hung out alot. JD, in true RM style, pointed our "non-relationship" and said that it was kind of unfair of me to be keeping him around like that. Unknown to me then, he also warned Jared about it and gave him the advice of locking his heart, just like a missionary, to prevent himself from getting hurt. Jared then wrote this wonderful blog about being free from me. I couldn't be more pleased.

Almost immediately after that, Anna and Jared started dating. Quietly at first. I saw less and less of him and figured it was the whole locking his heart thing but finally realized that there was more to it. It was hard for me in a way, because of how heavily I relied on him for a friend, and learning to deal with being put in second place, but I wasn't about to complain. As much as I strongly disapproved of the two of them dating, (no offense to Anna, because I think she can be a wonderful person, but they are simply not compatible and it was doomed from the start), at that point, I would have rejoiced if he told me he was gay and found his life-partner if it meant that I would no longer have to worry about him carrying over his past feelings for me.

Still, losing a best friend to a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is hard on anyone. I didn't want it to be a problem and miraculously managed to distract myself with Richie. I was ok. *sigh* I wish I didn't hop from one male to another like that.

Richie. That's another story. We'll get back to that in a minute - or 45.

Well, the Anna relationship was short-lived, like we all foresaw. I became his friend again then. (This was very recent, actually) We would hang out alot and stay up talking at night. Back to the non-relationship.

I saw the warning signs of him getting too attatched to me, and little hints that he and I did not see our relationship the same way. I remember the one night we stayed up talking on the bench in the McKay Hallway (oh boy the DTRs I've had there) telling him to stop doing so much for me because I didn't know what to do back and he made me feel obligated to do something big that I couldn't give. I pointed out that if I had asked him to bend backwards for me that he would've and I didn't like that. To emphasize my point, I tried using the exaggerated example of an obsessed guy doing everything and anytning for a girl he liked without wanting anything in return except to be in her presence. Kind of stalkerish, kind of scary. I didn't know how close to reality that was.

Until he chose to confess his feelings to me over Yahoo the next night. It wasn't a shock, but it wasn't welcome news either. I cried. I didn't react quite optimally, I have to admit, but the confession came at a point where I was already thinking about saying something to stop it from happening. I was thinking about seeing him less if neccessary, just like Mark and I had agreed to cut communication during the weekdays so we could get over each other, leaving the weekends so we didn't sink into utter despair.

Well, I wasn't sure what to do and I basically avoided him for the next week. I was busy anyway, it wasn't too hard. I hadn't planned to start right then. I needed some time to adjust to the idea of losing a friend and the longer I didn't talk to him the more I didn't want to talk about it again so I simply didn't return his calls or his emails until he made an assumption of his own: that he had scared me away.

I figured it was a good way to start not talking. I knew I had to break it off because he would drag me down. I don't talk to Matt anymore because Matt is still in love with me. The same rule should apply to Jared.

I finally explained to him what was going on yesterday so now this is our decision. I have to say that I really don't appreciate how this whole thing is being dramatized. You should have heard the way he said "Goodbye" to me yesterday after our conversation.

Ok, I don't know what this is getting to but this is where it's at. I sat with him today at dinner. I don't know why. I've done alot of things without knowing why lately and my life is in a muddle.

Last week I was very conflicted about why I don't want to date Jared again. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid of being hurt again? Am I just being picky? Jared and I get along so well and yes, we could make it work, but I've long since lost the vision of being married to him. Maybe I've gotten too used to the idea of finding that other special someone. I don't know why, I just long for a fresh start. I want the butterflies, the excitement. I want to fall in love with a NEW guy. I don't know what it's like to be friends first then fall in love. I think that's the problem. Really. I prefer love at first sight, or at least I want my future spouse to immediately recognize what a wonderful person I am.

I talked to Richie about it a little bit because I didn't know who else to turn to. He reminded me that I was entitled to be attracted to whomever I was attracted to. And for whatever reason I am not interested in dating Jared again, the fact is that I am not. Just leave it at that and act accordingly.

Ok. Now, back to Richie. He had something he wanted to talk about today. I was not thrilled to be asked to go back out there because I've been anxious to put this crush thing behind me but it's not been easy. I keep getting what I think are mixed signals and I want to be able to "be cool" with him and just be friends but I still too emotionally attactched that I interpret everything the wrong way and allow myself to be vunerable and easily hurt.

Well, I think the reason we "cruised" today was so he could apologize to me. He apologized for leading me on when we first met. Just trying to be nice, he said. I made him uncomfortable or something. He just wants me to be careful. Doesn't want to see me get hurt by some guy. I let myself fall in love too fast. (gee, look who's talking?)

He keeps trying to pull this protective older brother crap on me. I HATE THAT. Stop trying to protect me and just freaking let me live my life!!! I know it's just me, but what I get when people tell me to be careful is that I am not mature enough to know what is good for me and that I am accident prone and need alot of protection and repeated warnings against foolishness because I am very foolish.

He seriously seems to think that I have bad taste in men or something. My track record is pretty good. It's not like I fling myself at every single guy available. I think I'm very picky about the people I like. Except for Joel. He was just for fun. That was pretty immature, I'll admit. But ONCE. Come on....

Ok. I'm just emotional now. But that's kind of how I was today on the bench Richie and I were sitting on, only I had to suppress it until I could figure out what I felt and thought. I think I was angry and hurt. I don't even want to know why and I apologize, Richie, for not telling you then, but only reacting to it now.

I don't know. I just need to get this all out. That's all that needs to be accomplished here. I can't even be bothered with sounding mature at this point. I just need to let myself feel tonight. Angry, frustrated, lonely, tired. Whatever.

I guess all the stress from homework isn't helping either.

I noticed yesterday that I was starting to feel loneliness creep in. It felt like I was reverting back to the time Mark had just left when I could feel his presence everywhere. I missed having him around so much that everything I did, I had a memory of him doing it with me. Yesterday kind of felt like that. I'm not sure if it was Mark I missed specifically or just having someone there. I just felt lonely. Haven't felt like that for a long time. I'm afriad that in the absence of a potential relationship, has left me regressing back to Mark again. My heart just wants so badly to love someone. I'm so tired of having to stop myself.

Talking to Patty today gave me hope for such a beautiful future full of love shared with a special someone, but at the same time, it reminded me of what I am missing out on. I am so impatient. I want everything NOW.

I'm sorry for raniting. I just see that something is wrong in my life tonight and I want it fixed. I haven't fixed anything by blogging about it, but it helped me cry and let it out. Now I feel better. Sort-of.

On a side note, I'm worried about Fall Ball for some stupid reason. I've never had to worry about being asked before. Fall Ball 2002 I was asked by 3 guys - one of which was the guy I broke up with. Went with a guy I was just getting to know but then decided that I didn't like that much. Winter Ball 2003 I was dating Jared. We were going to go and I had bought a dress and all that but then he felt prompted that we shouldn't go. We didn't but ended up having a good time anyway. Spring 03, Sadie Hawkins. I asked Shem. It was fun. Fall and Winter 04 I was home. No balls. Spring 04, Sadie Hawkins again. I went with Mark, of course. Wasn't a fancy dance, but it was a BLAST.

Then this year, when they had the smaller fall social "Serendipity", I didn't get asked. Su and many of my other friends went. People didn't know I was single or something. That was sucky. And now who's up for round two?

Girls don't get asked ALL the time. It's an experience I need to have without complaining about. Time to grow up. Welcome to the real world where not everyone gets to go to the ball. I know who I want to ask me. I also know that there is absolutely no way that's going to happen. Probably a good thing too. Imagine if it did. Oh my poor, delusional heart would like it too much.

I think what I'm more disappointed about isn't that I don't think anyone will ask me, it's that I can't think of anyone else I would be delighted to go with. That's kind of sad.

Su's going to go to this ball again. Probably without me- again. Small deal, but some stupid part of my brain links this to December when I got grounded from college and Su didn't.

Forget it. It's ok. Ice-cream and chick flicks in a pity party with Rachael and whoever else will be fun. Or at least comforting.

Time to sleep. I think I've ranted enough for one night. I hope I wasn't coherent enough for you to understand the immaturity of all that I had just blogged about.

Moral Politics

There is such a thing?

I took this Moral Politics Test by recommendation of Lisa.

These are the results:

System: Socialism, Authoritarianism
Variation: Moderate Socialism, Moderate Authoritarianism
Ideologies: Social Democratism, Social Republicanism
Parties: Democratic Party
Presidents: Gerald Ford (82.32%)
2004 Election Candidates: John Kerry (81.25%), Ralph Nader (73.48%), George W. Bush (65.48%)
Statistics

Of the 4703 people who took the test:

1% had the same score as you.
24.4% were above you.
68.7% were below you.
31.3% were to your right.
57% were to your left.

Ok, if that's not scary, I don't know what is!

Liberal = Catholic?

No seriously, that's what it says in the thesaurus.

After reading Introspectre's post, and a good number of blogs by some liberal Mormon bloggers, my brain has been in overload trying to piece my thoughts together and figure out where I fit in all this. Naturally, I've decided that I need to blog about this.

3 years ago, I had a boyfriend who was a Catholic. He was a political analyst and was very organized in his thought, and had everything put into logic. He was 6 years older than me.

Religion always came up in our discussions. It was a huge thing we could never agree on. Being really young and far more sheltered at the time, every time he challenged my beliefs, I would clam up and use the "But religion is all about faith" line. I took things very personally and everytime he critisized Mormonism, I felt like he was critisizing me for believing it.

Religion is about faith. I think that faith is an essential part of understanding things outside this physical realm... the things we don't know enough about to explain. I have never felt that any of the teachings of the Church have been in contrary to logic, but Matt accused me and everyone who could believe in Mormonism of blindly following. To him, we really were a cult.

It was a hard thing for me to swallow then. I didn't have the ability to defend myself with logic and though I had a strong testimony of the gospel - he never shook that up - I wasn't sure, and still can't say that I am now, what my stance was on "blind faith".

Is that a good thing or not?

We often read in the scriptures of how Christ wants us to become like a little child. He doesn't want us to blindly follow, but where do we draw the line between having faith and being a sign-seeker?

Matt and I broke up eventually and stopped talking for a long time. It's been over a year now since I've had much contact with him at all. I think I've only spoken to him once this whole year.

While I was home in Malaysia, homosexual marriage was a big issue. I wasn't here in Mormonville college then, so I kept myself occupied with blogging and blog reading. I hopped on to a Live Journal community of some friends who were students at Indiana University. These bloggers were as far from religios as you could get, and it was an eye-opener to me of what college life was like in what we would call "the world".

Well, as you can guess, they were very much FOR homosexual marriage. They had many discussions on their LJs about the subject and I got involved with a few of them. I wanted to have an opinion of my own, without simply concluding that because my religion teaches us that homosexuality is not right that the law should make it illegal.

At that point, I had a brief conversation with Matt about it because I wanted to know what he thought and what his side of the argument was. He was against it (dd I mention how very Republican he is?) and I was unsure, but was (and still kind of am) leaning towards it being approved.

We had an interesting discussion; me still very much open to his point of view because I was still trying to decide. When it was over, he told me that he was impressed that I wasn't afraid to challenge what I was taught and form an opinion of my own. I don't know what happened between then and the time we were dating, but I had matured a little somehow.

(Wow, I must really be into this blog: Scott called and asked, told, then begged me to go to dinner but I told him later because I'm blogging. I am a nerd.)

Where was I? Oh.

One of my biggest weaknesses is that I am afraid to form an opinion of my own in alot of things. Probably a good thing at this point because I don't have enough knowledge to back up my stance with logic and careful thought. It's not that I don't have any opinions of my own. I do! I feel very strongly about many things, but only because I understand the issue completely.

There are so many things that I don't understand therefore I am not ready to take sides on those issues.

Take this past election, for example. I don't know very much about politics. Everything I know about Bush and Kerry I hear from my friends. Living in Mormonville, the majority of people here favor Bush. I have to be very cautious because I tend to want to like what my friends like. Especially if I respect them alot. It is natural for me to want to conform. Those who know me will agree that I am very good at that. I don't speak with my Malaysian accent anymore, I eat rice with a fork now (I grew up eating it with a spoon, held very differently with a fork in my left hand) and a whole bunch of little things like that.

In this past election, Bush won. Although I wouldn't have been upset if Kerry won, I think I was kind of glad. Why? Not because I think Bush is better than Kerry, but because everyone I knew thought so. You can imagine I was kind of put off by the anger some people I know demonstrated because they were unhappy with the results. I apologize for not knowing how to react.

I really don't want to be ignorant. I don't want to be one in the many masses of people who vote without thinking. But I can't NOT vote because I don't have an opinon. It's my responsibility to find out as much as I can about something so I can have a stance.

Thank goodness I am not an American anyway so I don't have to bother too much and will have a year till I can vote in Malaysia (with 3 more years till the next general election there).

Still, this is alot for my brain to handle. Maybe my brain hasn't developed to a point where I can properly process all of this, just like a two year old can't do algebra. (I'm a psychology major - we spent a whole lot of time learning about brain development and behavior)

This is a big deal to me. My motto has always been "Ignorance is bliss: what you don't know can't hurt you". I need to change it. I don't want to be in support of bigotry. There is a reason why we call Utahns Utards.

I read all these LDS blogs today about some their opinions on bigger issues and I feel so inadequete. These people have already put so much thought into these issues that they can write about them in such an organized manner. I can't seem to do that!

I can blog for hours and hours about relationships. That's my area of expertise, for now. I put alot of thought into them. It seems so shallow though in comparison to what they were writing about.

For my biospychology class, I addessed the controversial homosexuality topic. I have always been fond of controversy and homosexuality has always been something I wanted to understand better. Coming to school here has given me just a little more exposure to homosexuality. Just enough for me to find out more about it and understand their point of view so I can form my own opinion.

I have to say though, that I am glad I am not gay because even simply having a couple of gay friends raises too many moral questions for me to handle. I don't want to be a homophobe, but once again, I feel under such great pressure to form an opinion when I am unprepared to.

I got an A in my oral report and I felt so sorry for the girl in my group who had gotten a C in hers because she had basically given a sermon during her presentation. They had decided, without me, that they would bring in the gospel into the oral report. Oh boy.

Being in a church college, I have mixed feelings about the gospel being brought into the classrooom. I like being educated in both aspects at the same time, but college is all about learning to challenge ideas and forming your own opinion. I have to say that religion doesn't always go hand in hand with that.

It boils down to whether religion is truth or opinion.

Oh golly. Another big issue to think about. These things give me such bad headaches. I am tempted to just go into lala-land and slip into apathy mode. At the same time, I can't ignore truth by putting my hands over my ears and screaming "I can't hear you! LALALALALALALALALALA" until it goes away.

I want to be liberal, darn it! At the same time, I want to do it within the framework of my religion because I think religion is truth. How do you find the balance between thinking for yourself, having opinions of your own and still being obedient at the same time I admire those who have found a way to do it.

How does it work? Does your logic and reasoning support your religion, or does your religion support your logic and reasoning? Is your logic and reasoning based off your religious beliefs or is your religion based off your logic and reasoning? Perhaps, to some, they are completely unrelated. How do logic and faith correspond? What happens when they come in conflict with one another? How do you find out which is right?

I want to hear what everyone thinks. About being liberal, about homosexuality, about religion in the classroom... whatever pushed a button within you. It will help me narrow things down so I can figure out if I agree with you or not.

The great thing about me is, like I have said over and over again, that I don't have very many strong opinions yet (unless it's about dressing modestly or NCMOs and one night stands) so I am very open and won't spend my time trying to argue my point of view but will listen intently instead.

I wish everything was a dichotomy. Life would be so much easier to deal with.

Well, thank goodness for the simpler things in life. Food for thought is still not food. I need to eat now before the cafeteria closes. A good excuse to put my poor mind to rest. I've spent 2 hours on this and still haven't come up with any conclusions yet, just more questions.

Phew. How much work does it take to be mature anyway?

Biopsychology Oral Presentation

Look what I got in my e-mail today:

Faye Chong - Biopsychology oral presentation
"To What Extent is Homosexuality Biologically Determined"

Grade A

You provided good empirical support, used examples well (including the rabbits example!), treated the controversy fairly, and appeared to be in good control of your materials.

Volume, speech rate, eye contact, and fluency were all very good.
You conclusion and transition to teammate were good.

Thank you, thank you! This goes out to my parents for giving me GENIOUS in my genes, thanks to my body for being able to stay up all night to prepare, my internet for not crashing when I needed it most, but most of all , I owe it to my rabbits in Malaysia for copulating - even though they were all male!

One PROUD big sis!

Wow. I think I have a glimpse of what dads feel like when their kids get involved in a sport they are into. You know, when you can live your life vicariously through someone. Or see yourself in the person.

I just got done talking to Han, the first of my 4 little brothers, over yahoo (Mark, I guess you don't talk to each other more than I do anymore!) Han is 14 (6 years younger than I am) and really cool. I mean, stellar!

Ladies, this is the hunk himself:


I know you want to jump his pants, you cradle robbers. But I really shouldn't be talking about my little bro that way.

What makes my brother so cool? Let me count the ways:

1) He's a hottie -like me! (Thanks to his big sister who introduced him to his first pair of contact lenses)
2) He likes Jazz music like me, but he loves Evanescence too - like me!
3) He loves Calvin and Hobbes - like me! Actually, he started our whole family on that one.
3) He is or can be very "Americanized" - like me!
4) He is good with computers and plays lots of computer games - like me!

But best of all, he just started a brand new BLOG!

Yes, yes, we all know what's coming next:

LIKE ME!!!

I'm so excited about this for some reason. I know it really seems like I think he's so cool just because he is very much like me. True, that's why we get along. But I think being a younger sibbling of mine who looks up to me alot (consciously or not), he's picked up alot of his personality from me.

It's more than that, though. It's that my brother has the potential to be far more creative, far more intelligent and far wittier than I could ever be. I mean, the dude named his new blog "The Han Dynastory". Kind of punny, yes, but far more witty than anything I came up with at that age.

At 14, I did make a webpage of my own. Only I couldn't think of anything better to name it but "MusicGal's Site". I was girly and cute. Not humorous, but amusing. More like an "Awww... look at what this little 14 year old girl did. That's so cute!!!"

No no. I was just nerdy. Han is a COOL nerd.

Nerds RULE!

I picked up my interest in computers and webuilding from Dad. I imagine he must be proud of having started us off on that.

Han made a webpage of his own before with some minor help from me while I was home. It's about his comic strip "School Blues". It's a strip about being a teenager, starring himself and his imaginary friend Sam. My character is "Sis" and I'm the parental unit, basically. Bossing him around, telling him to do his homework, driving him to and from school (I did all that). I change boyfriends every other strip too. It's ingenious.

The strips he posted on that site were drawn a whole year ago. They were pretty good, but you should see what he's done lately! This is his latest 3 page comic strip with a poem to go with it.

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[They wouldn't open in my browser so you might need to download them onto your computer first to view it.]

When you get blown away by how good the artwork is, just remember that this little guy is 14! And he's MY brother.

Seriously, my brother rox0rz!

I don't even need to be good at art. Just because my brother is, I feel accomplised and I can just ride on his talent.

All I'm saying here really, is that I'm excited about becoming friends with my brothers. I'm 6 years older than Han. My first boyfriend was 6 years older than I was. Yeah, we definitely can be friends.

I remember that from the time I was little till I got older, I would watch my aunts and uncles interract and wonder how it'd be like to be grown up with my brothers and sister. I've moved on from bickering with my sister over who gets to sit in the middle seat in the car to being her replacement swing partner and occasional confidant. Friends, that's what we are; best friends. Someone who didn't realize that we were sisters till after we told her had said that she couldn't tell because we talk to each other like friends.

We've always been best friends, we don't share a bedroom or go potty together anymore but now our relationship has moved on to a new depth.


Dressing up then.


Dressing up now.

One day, there will be more to Ray than playing with toys and watching TV. When that happens, I hope I'll be around to be his best friend too. For life.

Fallen.

Fallen.

Happiness needs company too.

After a short walk in the rain (with my umbrella), and some time to figure out what exactly I am feeling, I have come to this conclusion:

It's not that I want attention. I did get plenty tonight. It's that performing is a huge thing to me, and I don't have someone to share that excitement with. Happiness needs company too.

Really, all I am is just lonely.

Have you ever watched a really good movie by yourself? Whenever they say something funny, you laugh and look around to see if everyone else is enjoying it with you, only to find that none of the people that matter are there. Then you walk out of the theatre wanting to talk about how great the show was but you don't have anyone to share it with.

I think that's what I'm feeling right now.

When I was dating Mark, he was my biggest fan. He was there supporting me through the play I was in, the movie, and choir performances - even stupid little things like tests, or high scores in a computer game... what was important to me was automatically important to him.

THAT'S what I miss. Sharing the lows and the highs.

It's all part of being single.

I can now appreciate how Mark felt when he finally got his router up and running in his new apartment and he called one of our old friends here to celebrate because he just had to share his excitement with someone - and I wasn't there to do it.

I have a sister and she was there today. She worries for me when I'm down and she is happy for me when I'm happy. And vice versa. I'll cling to her for now. Once again, I have my family for a fan club.

At some point I'll get used to crying and rejoicing in silence. Once I learn how to do that, I will be ready to find that someone I can share everything with.

A not-so-happy girl in the spotlight.

Ever watch movies about families? The ones with the Dad who's really busy and makes work a priority, always making promises he doesn't keep with his children. Then there's the little boy who looked out for Dad the entire baseball game and Dad doesn't show up, so he goes home dejected?

We've all seen them.

Well, that's kind of how I feel tonight, like that little boy.

I was spoiled growing up. Dad never missed a single thing that mattered. He was there to take pictures and video of my kindergarten concert when I was 6 (the day my mom gave birth to Han), I remember him surprising me by showing up at my story-telling competition when I was 11, and even my cheerleading routine for sports day when I was 16. I always had a cheer squad behind me no matter what I did. My family had an awesome way of making us feeling special.

I feel so stupid blogging about this.

Today was an awesome day. Stayed up all night playing Inspector Parker, filmed cheesy commercials for SIFE, slept till dinner and then performed our swing dance routine for culture night.

What's so sad then?

That I now have nothing to show for whatsoever. It kind of feels like I had danced in the dark. It's not performing when you don't have an audience.

I couldn't find Tyler, my dance partner, afterwards to take pictures. So I'm kind of disappointed about that. We did some cool moves. Most of my friends weren't interested in going to culture night ("Uh. Well, I meant to go" or "I sort of went" or "Oh, no. Why, did you dance?")

We had a camera person, Kelsey, to film the performance. I was really happy about that, but then I realized that it was Heather's camera. Kelsey sat on the corner where Heather was dancing and I was way on the other side. Oh well... no biggie, my friend Scott has a camera too - maybe he can film me. I tried to contact Scott who has a video camera but didn't get him in time. Crap!

Then, I ran into him afterwards and got so excited to find out that he had filmed the performanced but when he said that he didn't realize that I was dancing until towards the end, I was really crushed.

I was still ok until I watched what he had filmed - my pigtails appear in the corner for like half a second and most of it was of HEATHER! I love Heather, she's great, but she had her OWN camera. She didn't need more videos of herself! ARGHHH!

Scott felt really bad, and I feel terrible for not being able to pretend that it was fine. He apologized over and over. He got Su dancing in Hip-Hop club but didn't get her cool flip-stunt thingy. I'm mad about that too. Not his fault though, he didn't know when and it's a bonus that he got anything at all.

I need my own camera. And a photographer.

This is such a small deal. I'm disappointed that I can't see how I did, or have anything to remember it by, or that half my friends weren't there to see my performance, but really, I'm angry at myself for being so upset about it that I'm crying.

Stupid, stupid, immature, shallow - stupid. Aren't I supposed to outgrow these desires?

SO WHAT if no one saw, I danced and had fun and that's what matters most, right? At least I got to dance. Su's partner got appendecitis, Melanie's partner Ian didn't show up, a whole bunch of girls couldn't FIND partners. And here I am complaining that I didn't have friends to put the spotlight on me.

It doesn't happen very often, obviously. Like I said, I'm very spoiled. I'm used to getting attention. I guess I don't deal well without it.

After Culture night, everyone was gathering planning to go somewhere to do something. They were just chilling, but I had it in my head to go find Richie, since he was working all day and I hadn't stopped by there yet. So I left my friends, planning to invite Richie to come chill with us at a designated meeting spot. I went over there in the rain, saw the disappointing video, caught a glimpse of Richie, waited, cried, tried not to cry, cried some more, felt like an idiot, waited, and then decided to leave.

Friends weren't there. I didn't expect them to be since it was raining, so now I'm home and blogging.

No phone calls from anyone.

I'm in a pathetic mood, and I apologize for it. It's stupid to feel like this, and I'm trying not to, but I'm still crying. Maybe there's something more to this and I'm just using this as an outlet to be upset and to cry. I hope so. It's better than crying over not being noticed. That has no long-term consequence whatsoever.

I'd like to blog some more, but I better stop before I make myself sound any more pathetic. Brand new day tomorrow!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Oops! I can't get the form to work the way I want it to yet. I know you're just DYING to fill it out, but hold your horses while I learn how to use CGI scripts so it will do what I want it to do. It will be up and running in no time!

Thank you for your kokua,
Mahalo.

The Management.

Faye's Friends List

Ok, so after months of being in school, I finally have the desire to get organized so I can keep tabs on all my friends. Instead of handing out sheets of paper to fill, I've made it easy on everyone and made a form for all to fill here! (I'm a genius!)

Everyone who is reading this, whether you are here in school with me or not, do me a favor and fill this out. It should get sent to my email and no one else will get to see it if you don't want them to. Put as much or as little information about yourself as you'd like, but don't forget to at least give me your name, birthdate and contact number/email so that we'll remember your birthday and be able to contact you when we do fun stuff (I don't have anyone's local phone numbers!).

All those of you who know each other, I'm planning to put this into some form of a database so everyone can have a copy. Let me know if you don't want your information to be shared.

Alright, gon on, answer away... it should only take 15 minutes, max.

Identity Last name: First & middle name: Nickname(s): Male Female Birthdate: Marital Status: Single and Looking Single but let's keep it that way Too late - I'm already dating somebody Sorry, I'm engaged Married Divorced Currently separated: give me a few more months Desperate! Other: Background Hometown : Nationality : Ethnicity : Birth Order: Major: Year in School: Freshman Sophomore Junior Senior Occupation: Contact Information E-mail: E-mail: Webapge: Yahoo : AIM : MSN : ICQ : Other : Cell Phone: Local/Room Phone: Don't call/visit me after: BYUH Box#: On Campus Address: Off Campus Address: Zip Code: Home Address: Check if Same Zip Code: Personal Details Favorite Color(s): Favorite Food: What/where do you like to eat? Favorite Music: Genre, bands etc. Favorite Movies: Actors, directors, genre etc. Interests and hobbies: What makes you who you are and what you enjoy doing in your spare time Your ideal mate: So I can matchmake you! (Or just put the name of your significant other) Wishlist: Stuff you wouldn't mind getting for your birthday/Christmas or unique items you like e.g. Simpsons memorabilia, anything with pigs, anything purple, hats, clothes... you name it. Additional Comments: Anything else you want to say. Life stories, measurements and credit-card numbers are welcome. Finally What do you think of Faye? Or any other comments/requests you might have.

All eligible bachelors will be contacted shortly.

Halloween on a budget

Want a cool costume for Halloween but don't have much money to spend on it? Take it from these creative college students. They really know how to have fun without money!

Just take a lava-lava and/or a skirt, or random pieces of clothing, stuff it down a pair of shorts and wear a loose dress over it. If you have my body, don't forget to stuff socks down your bra too.

This was my costume on Friday night. I was saving the REAL costume for Saturday. I didn't bring kids with me like I wanted to so I didn't get to do the "poor family planner" number. I'm kind of glad I didn't though. Imagine having to babysit when I'm with my friends. I wouldn't have gotten to go to the party held at the Canoe House either.

The Canoe House is a house off campus which happens to be within our ward boundaries. Lots of cute guys live there and people are constantly over there doing something. Emily and I are no exception (I go there for their dog, Shaka). They throw gigs there all the time, but today was the first real one we went to and Upstanding Youth was playing there as usual.

It was quite the party. Most people there were dressed up, nearly all my friends were there and the music was great (no surprise there) with a ton of us crammed in their backyard right by the beach. It was ROCKING AWESOME.

I danced my heart out (as much as I could on a full bladder anyway - I really FELT pregnant) with that big belly. It really added to the fun. People who didn't know me thought I was really pregnant. I was told afterwards that someone was thinking "She really shouldn't be here!" and I was told by one of the Canoe house boys that the band were saying among themselves "Dude, there's a pregnant lady in here!" Why is it that when you're pregnant, you're automatically upgraded to "LADY"?

It was fun though. Before that, we were at the Harlem Gospel Choir concert for the last part of it. They were REALLY good and it was cool, but it had its awkward moments. They found a way to mention Jesus in every song they sang and not being very charismatic in our worship, it was kind of funny to watch people's reaction. Still, a whole bunch of kids went up and danced... it was very, very cool.

I got a kick out of pretending to be really pregnant, struggling to sit down and climb steps and stuff. Jared's arm came in handy.

Just for the heck of it, for authenticity's sake, and for the sake of those who didn't get to see my rockin' costume, I was pregnant again the next day - in pants this time. I went to the mall with my sister like that. It felt really awkward when I went to the dressing room to try on clothes because I realized that people could shoplift that way and I felt guilty for faking a pregnancy and lying to everyone. In the first store I went into was a lady (ok, so I do it too) who was really pregnant... I had to look away.

It was still fun to have my sister pick up everything I dropped just so I wouldn't have to squat.

And for some reason, people liked to ask how I am doing. It's like the community has a duty to make sure pregnant women are ok.Those who knew that I wasn't really pregnant always wanted to know what was inside. It baffled me. What would I put in there and why would it matter? Others wanted to use it as a punching bag. Remind me to stay away from them when I really am pregnant.

Someone said that I should've been a pregnant nun. Oooh! I think I will do that when (if?) I am REALLY pregnant. That will be hilarious!

Oh. I got sidetracked. Back to costumes...

Mama Jolley dressed as a hippie on Friday night. I regret not remembering to take a picture of her and her cute sign that said "Hug a Tree!" Ironically, the sign was made out of wood and paper. At the Canoe House, they had a bonfire after the band was done playing. She marched around the fire in protest and then suddenly threw her sign into the flames! I WASN'T THERE FOR THAT! I think I was in the bathroom adjusting my belly then. Crap. That must've been quite the moment.

If pregnant or hippie don't work for you, try putting on an outfit from your culture... that's what alot of the international students who hadn't ever celebrated Halloween before did. Or you can trade traditional costumes...


Chris as a returned missionary at church and Anna as... well... not me. She's wearing the Vietnamese traditional costume for women called an "ao dai" literally meaning "long dress". I think they are absolutely lovely.


Don't have anything cultural? Take it from Justin and Heather. Pull ladies' nylons over your head and be a mugger. Or just go in something you don't usually get seen in... like pigtails and whatever it was that she was wearing. Making funny faces helps too.


We now know Justin can't be a mugger because he still looks exactly the same, even with the stocking on his head. And nobody, not even Heather, knows what she was for Halloween. Mystery suits the mood for Halloween perfectly...

Just make sure that you don't get caught!


But if you do, don't forget to smile for the camera!
The army dude is Steve in last year's costume. You could do that too.


You could also always go in the dress you bought for last year's Renfest, toussle up your hair, add some dramatic makeup -just like Rachael did = and be a bar wench. Don't forget to take pictures with your customers!


I have no idea who the girl on the right is, but her Asian college student costume sure was realistic!


If you didn't have time to plan, take it from Erika. 10 minutes before the party, and still without a costume or any ideas,she decided that she would put on a nice dress and be a girl stood up for the prom.


And thus we see that make up, facial expression and demeanor is everything.


Or, if you're cool like Shem and so happen to have permission to grow a beard and have some square lensed shades in round frames lying around, you could borrow Jared's pants, get a hair net from a cafeteria worker or something, wear a t-shirt inside out under a long-sleeved collared shirt and stick a toothpick in your mouth and be a vato! Just make sure that the people you're around know what a vato is or you might have to explain it to them. Hey - I don't know anything about Mexicans!


Apparently, those of that culture were very impressed. I'll have to take their word for it. I still think he looked better in long hair and an imaginary hideous nose...


Shem as Cyrano in the play. It ended on Saturday just before the big party.


Well, if you're not as cool as Shem, just as long as you have an equally cool friend like Carrera, white powder, black clothes and dark makeup (or access to the makeup backstage after the play), you could raid her room and go goth. Or I guess you could always go through your S&M toy chest or something - and NO you can't touch mine!


Mama Jolley's dark side. Everything but the shirt and glow in the dark spider (sent to her by her mom for Halloween) and her black skirt belonged to Carrera. She looked freaky, but she's way too Jolley to be goth or a punk rocker chick or even a hybrid. This is one of the very few pictures I have of her not smiling.

Kelsey didn't want to miss out on the fun either.

Don't forget to leave the red-eye in for effect. Oh my gosh, was she scary!!!

My favorite though, I have to say, was Disney. He shaved his head and wore a REAL mohawk! How much are you willing to do for a costume?



Unfortunately it was Sunday the next day and he shaved it off for church. It was fun while it lasted.


Of course, all that would not have been possible if not for the one and only Carrera! With the help of Emily and her good pal Elmer (yes, the glue) she managed to spunk up her hair. It was cool, but in the end, Carrera really just went as, well, Carrera. Even in her racer/dirt biker outfit the night before, she was still herself. She always wears that anyway. We'd all like to see her dress up as a cheerleader one year. Now THAT would be dressing up!


I heard from Joel who gave her the lei she's wearing for all the work she put into the set in the play that it was quite the challenge getting it past her hair and onto her shoulders. If you look carefully, you can see spikes by the crotch of her pants. Notice how out of character these two best friends are.

Here's one more group picture for the road:

These are my friends?


What if you don't have an awesome friend like Carrera or if she's fresh out of goth/punk? (ok, I didn't grow up in the US: I don't know the difference!) You can always follow Su's example and borrow your sister's back-up costume.


Su as an escaped mental patient (or as Shem puts it, me in the movie "Shadows)
You wouldn't BELIEVE how much work it took to get her hair to mess up! It just kept falling right into place. I found that gown on a giveaway table in the dorms a while back. The tag around her wrist is the tag they gave her when she made a donation for something turned inside out. Her teddy bear, David, (sadly, my idea, for the lack of something better to hold) threw people off. A ton of people thought she was in her PJs. (They got that look in the picture from her) She finally gave up and put her David aside and went around calling for Mom or looking for her knife. A knife would've been an awesome accessory, but a voodoo doll would have been pretty cool too.


Don't have a cool sister like me? Well, if you're skinny and bald and have sheets, you could wear a diaper and go as Gandhi like Judge did.

I really wish he had a pair of round rimmed glasses. I have to admit I didn't recognize what he was at first and had to ask him. Too many people walking around in all white as angels... most people got it though.


If that won't work either, you can always just go as yourself. Heck, Jared did!


Chicks dig it.

Here are my favorite costumes:




I haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite yet so I couldn't appreciate it fully, but I know alot of people who have. The guy who dressed up as Napoleon did an AWESOME job. He created quite the uproar upon entry. He had the walk down and everything. He never let his guard down once that evening. It was AWESOME!

Remember Rosie the Riveter?




Well, get a load of this!




I couldn't help myself (I did have to blot out Steve, but I'm sure he didn't mind). Did she not do a GREAT job?! Mariah had a red spotted hankerchief her right pocket, a wrench hanging from her left side, and goggles around her neck with a button on her right collar that had previous picture on it and she handed out little pictures of Rosie to the women. Oh. I LOVE that cosutme. It suits Mariah perfectly too!



I know you've all been dying to see what I did on Saturday. Well, I tried asking around to borrow a white dress from people, but the one girl I knew who had one my size wasn't really willing to lend her gown to me. I don't blame her. I ended up going shopping with Su on Saturday (pregnant) and spent hours there trying to find things for that night.

This is the final product:


Wouldn't you like to find this in your mailbox? (I'd probably fit too)

These things I already had:

White tank top
White skirt
White sheets that Su amazing turned into a gown
Safety pins
Pearl necklace
Diamond earrings (fake, of course)
Bar code cut out from a bag of balloons
Postage stamps - cut out from an old letter. Jared likes to point out how there are only 3. I'm light enough, I guesss.
Lots of tape to keep them on me.

This is how much I spent on my costume:

Bouquet: $2 - $1 per bunch at the dollar store
Veil: $6.50 - I didn't know where to get material for that so I bought one of those little ones they sold for little girls to dress up in at Claire's.
Fake Diamond Ring: $5.50 at claires - It wasn't necessary, I know, but the one I used to have tarnished and I left it at home. I always keep one around to pretend to be engaged. Fooled a couple of people before... Disney offered me a real one. =)
White top: $10 - Got it from Jean's warehouse I'd wear it again anyway. It's pretty.
Bus ride: $2 (round trip)

Total cost: $26.00

Finding a buyer?




Priceless.