More sappy emotional stuff... you have my permission to skip this.

I know, I’m pathetic and fussing over stupid girly things. (Girls, don’t hate me for this, I used to hate girls for that too. I thought they gave me a bad reputation. Of course, I hadn’t been in a relationship before then)

But at least I’m honest.

Overall, I had a great day. And I’m going to dwell on that. I don’t want anymore feedback telling me that I sound depressed in my blog.

I could be. I haven’t eaten lunch more than twice a week since I found out I wasn’t going to Hawaii. Maybe even before that. I’m trying to build muscle but I don’t eat much meat, how am I supposed to get my protein?

Hehe, oh. I forgot. Soymilk. I’ve been drinking it a lot lately. And DO NOT pervert that Mark!

I wonder what people think about me when they read my blog. Or should I wonder if people actually read my blogs - besides the ones whom I ask to read. I know; I cheated.

This is really my form of talking to myself. Everyone does it. You know you do. Except that when I talk to myself, I also can have imaginary conversations. Plan out what I’m going to say. Imagine his reply. Giggle to yourself when your imaginary companion teased you about something (yeah, it’s my secret – I like to be teased).

Amy mentioned in her blog how everyone is the hero in their story. And how people have their own little world.

Yeah. I have my world. You have yours. And I really don’t like how I come out as depressed, emotionally dependant, clingy and losing more and more of my barely existing sense of humor everyday.

In my little movie, I’m the protagonist. You’re supposed to watch it and cry with me. Like I cry in Ally McBeal. I’m a sucker for sad songs and sad stories. If you think I’m just immature, and rant too much don’t read my blog. I’d rather no one read this than be judged for feeling sad. (Watch, I’m going to defend myself from a non-existent people who are “judging” me. My way of telling myself that it’s ok to be sad, or that maybe I really do have a problem?)

Gimme a break guys, I’m dealing with a breakup. Or at least trying not to have to deal with it. I’ve been grounded from college and “contact with overseas” which to me means, no friends. But I said “screw that” and am blatantly disobeying my parents or trying to get around having to obey them, at least.

*sigh* I don’t do it just to disobey them. I just lack discipline and see no point in exerting it. It’s an unfair punishment. It really is. I am already exercising restraint and spend a lot less time talking to Mark. Just don’t make me stop completely. Please. Not yet.

I already broke up with him because I can’t be there with him. It’s hard enough. Don’t make me go through this without a friend to talk to.

So that’s what I set the blog up for. I use it. You’ve see how much I’ve written today because Mark didn’t come online. Sheesh. I even changed the whole color scheme for my blog. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how hard it is just to get colors that match. And then you have to find where all the color codes you want to change are in the source code.

Not the same as having someone actually there.

No offense, blog.

I lied. I’m not really just looking for a friend.

I just want something I can’t have.