Falling in love.

and when you hit rock bottom, it hurts.

I remember the first time I ever experienced heartbreak; I was 16.

At that point in my life, I was spending alot of time on the internet after school chatting with all kinds of people, mostly men, and all much older. I met this 22-year old on ICQ one day through a random message he had sent me (I got alot of those then). We ended up hitting off and talking nearly everyday from then on.

He was a political analyst from South Carolina, living and working in Washington DC. At that time, he was working with the RNC. I remember meeting him just before the Bush vs. Gore elections. I sent him pictures, and he bought a webcam so I could see him. We wrote each other emails, did voice chat and he called when it was safe to. This went on for over half a year and I was getting more and more attached to him everyday.

We talked about religion and politics alot and I had someone to turn to through all the chaos my parents were going through at that point. I thought he was perfect! There was just one problem: he was Catholic and I LDS. Somehow, I thought that this was a great opporutnity to do missionary work. I made him a deal, to read any 2 books he picked out for me if he would read one of mine. He sent me Ayn Rand's Fountainhead and later, Atlas Shrugged while I sent him the Book of Mormon. I read it cover-to-cover for the very first time, annotated it, put in quotes and cross referenced everything. The book was twice as thick as it first was when I sent it to him. I doubt he ever read it all, even till now.

To many of you, I know it sounds really absurd to get that attached to someone who I'd never met from 12,000 miles away, and someone much older than I was no less, but I never had any friends who I could open up to as easily before and no one had ever gotten as close to me as he had. As much as there was no physical presence to back it up, the emotional attatchment was real. Foolish, no doubt, but very, very real.

Then, one day, out of the blue, he told me over the internet that we couldn't "see each other" anymore. Our conversation was going just fine when I showed him a picture of my family. It triggered something in him and all of the sudden, that was it. He left little explanation, told me he would block me from his emails and on his chat and logged off. He left me crying at the cyber cafe where I was using the internet.

It was Valentine's day.

I didn't realize till then just how much I had grown to love him. I was angry, hurt and confused. I felt like I could not live without him (first signs of my emotional dependancy of which I am very much ashamed) and wished he would just tell me why he had to leave.

I went to sleep crying for a month. I couldn't understand it. I wrote him emails - set up different accounts so that they wouldn't get blocked and even found him on AIM (which we didn't use to talk on before). I was desperate and lonely. I lost a best friend, just like that, and I didn't know why. It was an infatuation I wasn't willing to let go of. I suppose it didn't help that I was alot more neurotic then and suicidal.

No one else knew about our "relationship" and I had no one to talk to about it. Ray was sleeping in my room then (he just started again!) and would be the one to hold me when I cried.

I talked to my half aunt about it once. I used to live with her at my grandparents when we were younger, so she's like a big sister to me. She told me that if it was meant to be, he would come back and everything would work out. I just kept hoping.

Finally, after a month of misery, I pulled myself back onto my feet and decided I was going to learn to be happy again. I saw the wisdom in his action. I wished often for him to falter, but I revered the strength he had displayed. I was determined to display that same sort of strength.

Life has a funny way of playing with us. Just as soon as I was ready to move on, I got an email from him telling me he couldn't live without me (yes, I realize to that it sounds really cheesy to you guys) and that he wanted me back if I could forgive him.

I remembered my aunt's advice and I thought: he came back, now he is mine. This is meant to be.

After he came back, we became closer than we ever had been before. Many times, in the future, I had looked back and been angry at him for returning and at myself for taking him back. Our entire relationship following that was a roller-coaster ride. We went back and forth between being together and not talking to each other anymore - but we had fallen in love. More than that, we hadn and breaking off from each other (although that was the right thing to do) felt worse than suicide.

Two years later, we met for the first time, after I had spent a semester at BYU-Hawaii. He was my first kiss. He was there with me for one week, but within 3 days, he broke up with me. Again. The 7th or 8th time we decided to split up total. I had lost count by then.

That was the last time we broke up. We didn't really cut it off till much later. Far too late really, I got involved with Jared before completely resolving my feelings for him. He was my best friend through all those years, my first. Instead of letting him go, I would keep him around for backup. It was Mark who helped me leave him behind.

His name was Matthew.



My first heartbreak was painful. I thought I'd never live through it nor feel anything as painful again. Boy was I wrong. You think you'd get numb after a while. The truth is, each separation adds to the pain of your last. Everytime you face a breakup, all the previous ones come tumbling down on you at once.

But each time, you learn something about yourself and about life. You mature a little however much you hate it. Some of us become jaded because of it. Some of us never get back on our feet. Others force themselves to move on yet never find room in their hearts to love again. I want to be one of the ones that come out stronger and better each time, with more capacity to ache, but much more capacity to love.

Zui just broke up with Su today.

He was the one to tell me about it. They could see it happening in the future and were prepared for it, but I am sure she is hurting right now. I haven't got to talk to her yet. I told mom, and we're all worried for her.

It's the first time she's had a boyfriend and the first time she's been that close to someone - and I think I know how it feels. It's hard not being able to be there for her now. Still, whether I am there or not, she is the one who needs to face those challenges. I can't do it for her.

I really think that it is love and heartbreak that turns a girl into a woman.