My bad side

Oh geez people, stop reminding me!

As inspiring as the council meeting was, it didn’t end so well for me. The last time I saw all the people in that room, I said bye to them, as I was supposed to be leaving for Hawaii.

I had to explain to so many people why I’m still not back to college.

“When are you going back?”
“Oh, you’ve lost weight!”
“How is Su doing?”
“Wait a minute, why aren’t you at BYU yet?”
“Oh dear, you’re so skinny!”
"Going to be here till April huh?"
"So, you like working?"
“Oh, that’s ok. Now you can stay here and eat all the local food”

Hello…. Put two and two together – I put on weight in Hawaii, I lost weight when I came home. As much as I LOVE the local food. I’d very much rather be eating in the Cafeteria! At least I actually ate while I was there…

Elder Hyer, bless his heart (I want him for my granddad!), kept talking to me about Hawaii. He’s so cheerful and optimistic. I think when finally my fake smile faltered (I think it was when I told him I broke up with Mark because he asked about him) and it was clear that I really wasn’t up to talking about it if I had to sound cheerful, his tone turned sympathetic. I hope I didn’t come out as trying to look for sympathy. I don’t LIKE sympathy.

Just the other day, Pres. Whitaker asked me how I was doing. And I told him that everything was great, that my attitude finally changed and I’m finally getting used to being home. I wasn’t lying either. For once.

I just finally decided I didn’t want to be miserable here anymore. Give in, have a good time, as much as I would like to make my parents suffer by making them see me miserable for the decision that they pulled on me.

I’ve been happy here. I’m not really unhappy now. It’s not like it’s just TERRIBLE here. It really isn’t. But if I had a choice, I wouldn’t be here right now. I love my family, and I will miss them when I go (although sometimes I think I won’t call home for a year when I get there out of spite – lol! Yeah right! I’ll probably call back in 2 weeks asking them to send me money or something) but I really miss having friends - and my own life. Doing what people my age are supposed to be doing. What my sister and everyone else are getting to do.

So, after the meeting, my parents were talking to 2 other couples whose children are in BYUH too. One of them left with Su, the other went while I was there. They started talking about all the stuff they were doing in college and I just had to look away.

When the whole ordeal of trying to smile was over and we went up the car to go home, I just lay down and cried all the way back.

I am incredibly, incredibly jealous. I hate that I am. It’s such a SMALL deal! I’m just here for another 4 months. So what?!

I think it’s just that I feel really left out. That’s MY school they are talking about. I did those things. I should know. You want to know what’s going on, talk to me. I was there long before any of them were.

It just feels so unfair that I have to sit out now and watch everyone else have a good time.

Like Dad says, it’s not permanent. There’s no rush.

True. At least there shouldn’t be.

I just hate that every time I think I’m finally ok and moving on past the fact that I’m still here when everyone else is not, it comes crashing down on me again.

I must just be having a bad day. I didn’t get to Mark all day today. Again.

Big deal. We broke up a whole month ago. I should be used to it by now.

One would like to think that huh?