Soul searching. Soul mate searching.

I was getting tired of my shallow "happy" posts and felt that I needed to deal with how I was really feeling tonight instead of pushing it aside like I do with ease in the days, so I searched for a movie to help me feel. Or in other words, I was looking for a movie to make me cry.

Jared’s “feel sad” movie is Romeo & Juliet or Moulin Rouge. I don’t have Romeo & Juliet, and the copy of Moulin Rouge that I have was filmed by a camcorder in a theatre so I had to pass. I dug up the VCD for a movie I had nearly forgotten about – the one I claim is my favorite even though the last time I watched it I was 15: What Dreams May Come.

It’s now my favorite again, more than ever this time. I can think of maybe 3 places in the entire movie where I wasn’t crying. I love to cry.

Oh if I could but have a love like that; someone who loved me enough to choose hell over heaven just to be with me.

Do I believe in soul mates? I did. I’m not sure there’s just one person for me out there now. Every time I fall in love, I am so sure that I’ve found him and then the next thing I know I’m spending the next part of my life trying to convince myself that it was all just make belief.

Kind of like college, you know. When I’m sure that it’s finally my turn to get what I’ve been waiting for, I receive this huge blow. Not, not for me. Not this time. Every time it happens after that, I find myself less surprised. I anticipate happiness with skepticism and doubt and I hold back a little more of myself each time, so less of me will get hurt. And the more time passes without my dream being fulfilled, the more I convince myself it’s only a fantasy that will never play itself out in reality.

I’m so afraid that I will become jaded and incapable of looking forward to something or falling completely in love with someone like I have done so easily before in the past. I fear that my wounds may scar me for life.

Who am I am to feel this way anyway. I’m only 19, there’s a whole lifetime left for me to go to college and in time find someone to love again. Most people don’t find love till much later in life. But I have had it before; I have had much more than just a taste. I have felt and given love in such intense amounts, going with out it is so very difficult. I don’t know where to put all those emotions now and I’m leaving a trail of it behind and tying much of it to Mark and Hawaii. Take those from me and I feel like a ship with no mast that has lost its anchor.

My time will come, I know. It’s just taking an awful long time to get there and I’m getting impatient and very, very lonely.

Maybe there is someone out there who is meant for me. I can’t understand how he could be more wonderful than anyone I’ve had to give up before. I suppose a little trust in this bigger plan is required. Still, I don’t want to have to love one man after another in my search for him.

If he really is out there, then I will have to learn to keep myself happy in the meantime and work on becoming the woman he could fall in love with.

I’d really like to convince myself that it’s ok to be lonely. I feel so ungrateful for complaining and wishing I were somewhere else even though I have so much going for me here and am surrounded by people who love me everyday.

I want to love it here, to love it so much that I’ll really be reluctant to return to Hawaii when the time comes– not just say that I am. But here I am, crying, crying over something or someone that I don’t have; something I don’t or can’t have yet, desperately fighting to keep the hope of ever obtaining it alive. It’s so hard to balance the present with my past and the future.

For now, I find love and happiness in my dreams. Maybe if I go to bed after this, Mr. Sandman will give me an unexpectedly beautiful one. Who knows what dreams may come?