Sleepless nights and shattered dreams.

I apologize for not telling you more before. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk about it, it’s that I didn’t know how.

I have all these thoughts whirling in my mind. The confusion and hurt is just overwhelming. I should be in bed right now, but I need to write it all down before I forget.

I just figured out why I allow blogging to interfere with my sleeping pattern. I wait till everyone is asleep or safely in their rooms and I am left alone with my thoughts. After midnight: that’s when I figure out my feelings and my emotions.

There’s always the next morning when I’m alone in the office to write about it, but it’s a brand new day and I want to write about my feelings as there are – not in retrospect. Besides, I’ll be at work with reports to type and stuff to do.

So here I am writing my thoughts down tonight, trying to do it quick so I can actually get some sleep tonight.

Most of you are curious as to why I’m grounded again. It’s not being grounded again as much as it is continuing to be grounded. My parents simply see this: I was given a second chance, but I’m neither eating right nor sleeping right, I still haven’t ceased communication with the US like I was told to (the day I crashed their car, what a stupid excuse to punish me) my room is still a mess and I haven’t demonstrated responsibility – at all. My mom is also making a big deal out of me falling asleep before I take a shower. At least I slept.

I can’t argue with them, though. They’re right. I’m not pulling it all together. Yet, I still find it unfair.

I was told by my mom to clean up my room and was given a week or no Spring semester. Ok, so I stayed up all night on Sunday and started with that. Then Dad did it twice – I don’t remember what for now. It doesn’t matter. Just the next day, I get to go through losing my dream – again.

It’s ironic. I was just telling Mark the day before how I was thinking about not giving a darn about Hawaii anymore and just let them keep me here forever. I hate that they have that leverage over me.

When I first got the news (I was watching TV and Dad called on the phone from Singapore), I didn’t react. I wasn’t surprised. I just didn’t want to care. It worked for a while. But it’s hard to lose a dream. I don’t know what to feel, really. I know that last time the biggest part of me being crushed was not being able to see Mark after 5 months of planning.

Well, see, this is why I broke up with him. Because I can’t plan to return to him when I’m not sure that I ever will.

I don’t understand why I am so crushed again, as much as I refused to let it get to me. I’d like to think that it’s because I miss school and want to go somewhere with my life. I have to admit that I was really looking forward to a social life and dating again. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I really feel like my parents are overreacting sometimes. They’re great, I love them but I really feel that sometimes this whole dumb thing is being blown out of proportion. Maybe it’s just my reaction. I don’t know. Mom and I yelled/talked/cried it out last night (thank goodness Dad wasn’t there). I get that they’re trying to do the right thing. But I refuse to believe that I’m that much of a failure.

Something’s different from last time. I feel like I’m looking forward to going back to Hawaii for the right reasons now and I’m confident that I won’t screw my life up this time around – I couldn’t vouch for myself the last time. But it’s not enough. It’s because I don’t sleep enough. Every f**king thing has to do with my lack of sleep.

I’m thinking about getting involved with drugs and alcohol and screw around with men – and women – just to show them what bad really is. This whole drama is just so stupid. Which parents make their daughters call up ex-boyfriends at 6.30am their time to check if they really haven’t been communicating?!

I’m sorry. I told myself I would stay calm. I'll try harder.

I’m staying home indefinitely now. No time frame. Just whenever I’m ready. I’m hoping against hope for one month. They’re not letting me believe that. I don’t care. I will pack my bags like I did the last time and live out of my suitcase for a month after they tell me they have cancelled my ticket. The Nile really is just a river in Egypt.

At least I have more time to get used to the idea. 2 days’ notice was just really heartless.

The other day, I was just thinking how I hadn’t REALLY cried in a long time. I cry but more like a tear-trickling thing when I think about Mark. The last time I had sobbed uncontrollably was in December, the last time they told me they were holding me back.

Well, it has been more recent than that now. So much for not caring about Hawaii anymore.

The thought of moving out has crossed my mind repeatedly. But then I will REALLY have to give Hawaii up. I don’t know what it is about that place that I want to return to it so much. Not just to visit – to go to school. If it was an education I wanted, I could go to local colleges like everyone else. Dating? Well, there are about 6 guys I could choose from. I really wish I didn’t care about it. That way this would be so easy.

I’m just very tired of being left behind. My parents see me as a screw up – or a potential one when I thought I cleaned out the trash (that most of you are unaware of) pretty nicely and was trying so hard to do the mature thing by going through with this breakup.

I am wishing so hard to finally snap and go officially insane to make my parents pay. Make them live with the guilt of going too far and driving me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. And I wish that I was suicidal.

Unfortunately, I have gone insane with rage, but nothing stuck and I know I’m just going to have to live through this.

It’s not that bad. This will be my 3rd time around. My 3rd semester being home. As long as I deal with them one semester block at a time, I will be ok. In the meantime, I will continue to measure my life in semesters I am missing.

What’s hard to deal with is how my life just feels so empty and aimless now. I remember when I could see where I was going. I could see myself getting married and graduating and getting on with life. I felt like I was going somewhere. I’m just in eternal limbo now while other people just keep growing up without me.

People are moving on. Cori graduates in June – we started school together! Brian is getting married in July. Johnny just got his mission call to Fresno CA (Spanish speaking) and will leave in April. Chris already got married. Sarah left school. Su got her first boyfriend. And I’m still working for my dad stretching out this break up for as long as I can so I feel like I have some love in my life.

Oh gosh. Why am I crying? STOP IT, FEI. It’s no big deal. You’ve dealt with it before, it’s going to be easier this time. It’s not the end of the world.

It sure as heck feels like it sometimes. If only I were as numb as I thought I was.

I was fortunate to talk to Mark about it today. How stupid am I. Every time I grounded from/for talking to someone, I go running to that person to cry about it. My logic is just warped and twisted and I just don’t seem to learn. I’m glad I got to though. I really needed someone to be there for me.

He told me everything was going to be alright. I wish he didn’t. That’s what he said the last time. I guess maybe he’s trying to convince himself too. It was comforting though because he cried with me. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only disappointed one.

I say that I don’t want pity, but I know I do. When Dad comes back tomorrow, I will act like nothing has happened and just hold it in. I can’t show them that it hurts because all I’ll get is “you brought this on yourself” and “you’re stupid to be crying about this”.

Am I allowed to just feel a little sorry for myself, for once?

I remember last year, when Dad finally told all the people who were saying goodbye to me on what was supposed to be my last day at church before leaving for Hawaii that I was staying, Ruth, the mother of the Lydia and Isaac (the twins) and Amelia their sister who were in my nursery, gave me the most comfort. She just held me and cried for me. I broke down and just let my tears flow. I felt like she really understood. And that’s what I needed: people on my side. My bishop offered me a place to go if I needed to get away. Everyone was so supportive.

A month went by and I adjusted. I got tired of people asking if I was ok because I wasn’t. I was still angry, still hurt, but trying very hard to forget that and be happy. I didn’t tell anyone when I broke up with Mark. When I did tell them, I made it sound like it was nothing. “Oh Mark? Yeah, we broke up.”

I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to be miserable. But that’s exactly what I have been since I’ve been home. What kind of idiot lets her happiness depend on a plane ticket and a guy?

I want so badly to be above it all. I want to be content with the wonderful friends I’ve been bonding with lately. I don’t want to long to be in a relationship. That’s just shallow.

Mom held me and cried with me last night. It hurts her to do this, I know. I wish for parents who didn’t try so hard to do the right thing. Or for parents who know when to let go. All I could think of was how much I wished we were crying over a lost love or something people usually tell their moms about instead of that. The whole time, I wished that it was Mark who was holding me and stroking my hair and not my mom. It’s just sad that it has taken this for me to turn to her. I love my mom but I still feel anger and betrayal when I think about the decision she made. I want to hate them and withdraw from them; move away and never talk to them again.

I’m just so very tired of being a teenager. I’m much too old to be dealing with these issues now. Why do my parents feel like they have to be responsible for when I eat and sleep and how well I do in a job? There are things I need to learn, I know. There are a million things I could change to improve myself; I don’t deny it. But why do I have to learn it their way? My parents will just never trust me to be on my own. I just wish I didn’t feel that they are right. I don’t know who I’m angry at – them or myself.

I must be tired. I’m getting carried away with anger and self-pity now. Everything will be back to normal in the day. I will avoid having to look at my parents so I won’t be reminded that I am a failure, but I won’t let this news affect me. I can’t. I just can’t.

Why do these things have to be so important to me?

All the lessons I thought I learned through being here – trusting in the Lord’s timing and in His wisdom… I sure had myself fooled. Maybe tomorrow I will see the bigger picture once more.

But for now, I’m just going to have to get used to crying myself to sleep every night – again.