Online Romance and Attraction: Can it really work?

Ok, so I couldn't decide if I should post this here, or on The Cafeteria Chronicle, since each has a slightly different audience. In the end, I struck a compromise with myself and decided to do both! If you're one of those uber cool people who read both blogs, don't fret about where to commment. I will duplicate all relevant comments myself so both blogs will receive the same ammount of attention. I can't choose between my two babies, now can I? Anyway, if you're anything close to awesome, you'll read every word I wrote because I actually lost sleep writing this thing.



Long distance relationships have become a growing trend in this era of information technology. By eliminating boundaries and making the world a smaller place, the Internet has expanded our “dating” pool and it is becoming more and more of an accepted way to meet your future spouse.

While not everyone has been or ever intend to get involved in a relationship with someone they met over the Internet, many who spend ample time on it have "met" people who they feel they could really be attracted to. I have been in a couple of Internet-based relationships myself, and can understand why it is prevalent today. Yet, I also see the potential for danger.

Here is Kelsey’s take on "dating" a boy you've never seen:

It might be smarter than what most of the world chooses, I mean think about it. You are attracted almost purley to his intellect, his mind, the part that doesn't decay with age but only becomes stronger thru trials. That kind of attraction has the potential to last forever whereas those who start with physical attraction because they have physically met have a greater chance of dying off.

I believe that she does have a good point in mentioning that intellect is what goes the distance vs. physical attraction. However, I'm not so sure about it being the smarter thing.

There are 2 possibilities that I can think of in which this scenario could go terribly wrong.

1) But are you REALLY compatible?

People aren't the same over the Internet as they are in real life. Some people would argue that the Internet allows them to be MORE of themselves than real social interaction does because social barriers become non-existent when talking in text. People with social anxiety can come out of their shell easily and show the funny, intelligent side of themselves that they are usually too afraid to express. You also have more time to respond because chat is less than instant. The lag allows for more thought put into what we say, and as a result, we may come across as wittier, more intelligent sounding, funnier, nicer etc. than we would in “real life”.

My argument is that that’s not being who you really are; that’s being someone else. I may truly be the me I am in my head online, but who I am in my head is not who I am to the people around me – and that’s what matters where social relations are concerned. The fact is that “real life” as we call it, requires actual physical interaction. When you’re married, you don’t communicate with each other solely through chat. At least I hope nobody does that!

The inconsistency between personality in text and personality in person becomes apparent when observing the difference between writing and speaking. Of course, there are the exceptions. Some people have no developed writing style and write exactly the way they talk. Others are so advanced that their writing style transfers into speech. (We usually make fun of those people – they’re usually pretty dorky). Of course, chatting is less formal than writing is and sometimes I find chat even more annoying than speech (it’s hard to misspell words when you’re talking or have really off-putting lack of punctuation).

All I’m saying is that while intellect may become the base of your relationship, and that is an important thing, you may not be able to relate to each other the same way in real life because the intellect has a different way of surfacing.

On a near-completely unrelated note, if you’re picky like me, while being able to interact well on a person-to-person level, I almost require that he also writes well in order for me to be completely attracted. So I guess the two go hand-in-hand for me.

There is also the possibility of someone being a really good liar, telling you all the things you want to hear and being someone they really aren’t just to attract you, then turn out to be completely different in real life. I’ve read of pedophiles who lure young teenage girls that way.

It is also important to note that a great part of really knowing someone and being attracted to them is based on how they interact with other people, or how they perform in other social contexts and functions. Let’s take some things I think are important as examples: how good someone is with kids and animals, how they interact with their family members (I’ve been told more than once to watch how the men treat their mothers because that’s how they will treat you. I believe it), how they interact with their friends, the elderly, the mentally handicapped – how they interact, period. What kind of student they are in school, how confident they are in public speaking, how developed their musical talents are. Can they cook? There are lots of things you can talk about. You can talk about your love for children, or animals, but it says very little about capability. I can say I enjoy cooking and be truthful, but I could also be really, really bad at it. There is just no way to gauge these things from such a distance.

Some major cultural differences also don’t become apparent till later. They’re hardly apparent even while dating in person and many receive a huge “culture shock” after they’ve tied the knot. But you all already know how I am against inter-cultural marriages. That’s a different topic altogether. Either way, relationships that are long distance always come with some sort of cultural difference and you lose out on understanding an essential part of someone’s personality when you don’t share the same background, or present environment.

I just think that we need to be cautious of what we allow ourselves to be attracted to, especially through the Internet. (I am trying to take my own advice.) It is true that there is that chance of that special someone who fits you exactly being only miles and miles away and the Internet was a medium in which you found him/her. Just like BYU is the medium in which people from all over the world gather and shop for their spouses. What we are in danger of is being attracted to people who are far away because we only see a little bit of them. The good part. Perhaps if you had met the person in real life, you would have found them butt ugly and annoying and would have never even considered being attracted to them. Then again, there’s the argument that it’s fate that you met through the Internet because that’s the only way you would have given each other a chance to get to know each other? Honestly, I think that’s kind of sad. I would like to think that it is a reversible process.

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake. Perhaps we may be looking too far away for something that exists right where we are.
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2) What about physical attraction?

Ok, enough about compatibility. Let’s say that the situation is ideal and what you “see” or read about is what you get. Intellectually, socially, emotionally, culturally, he/she is everything you are looking for. No inconsistencies exists. You get along both in text, and in speech (say through phone conversations). Basically, you match. There is still no way to get past the importance of physical attraction.

One of the worse case scenarios I have read about involved 2 people who got along great. She had high hopes. Marriage in mind. So they decided to meet. Turns out he was 4’5. Was she “the bad guy” for not being able to go through with it? They get along great, she loved him. Was she discriminatory in not being able to be attracted to a midget?

How about this other story, about a girl who met someone online. He told her he had aids but she was ok with never having sex (whoah, we complain about being celibate till marriage – now that would be something to blog about!). They got married. Only a while later, she finds out that he was actually a she. What happens then?

Take something we could relate to instead. What if the person wore clothes that really embarrassed you. Or if they had intolerable bad breath. Or teeth that made you lose focus on what they were saying because you’d be staring at their mouth. Or trying not to look. I have a hard time getting past certain accents. Can your relationship really be based solely on intellect that you will be able to see past all that?

I don’t know. I don’t want to have to close my eyes or every time I make love to my husband. Is that why people do it with the lights off?

I think we all have a right to physical attraction. We should not have to force ourselves to like something that we naturally struggle to even tolerate. However, it is true that these physical things don’t last, therefore relationships built around the initial attraction don’t go the distance. They need to be backed up by common interests, good communication and all those important things. Yet, physical appearance isn’t the only thing that deteriorates. Personality changes with time too. People don’t turn out the way you imagine they would when you married them. It takes a little something more than just physical and psychological attraction. Those two go hand in hand, but there is something that transcends it all. Something we all hope to find. Maybe some day I’ll understand it.

I know that there have been instances where emotional attraction transferred over to physical attraction. Maybe that is what happens.

I can’t help but mention homosexuality here. That came into mind as soon as I mentioned about believing in the right to physical attraction. Where exactly do they fit in all this? A train of thought I will have to save for another time to pursue. Perhaps you can fill in the blanks for me. Also, case in point: physical attraction can never be ruled out completely from the equation. If it could be, then we would all be bisexual.

Well, I’ve moved from talking about long distance relationships to attraction and homosexuality. There are just too many interrelated topics to cover them on in one night, so I better work on a conclusion here.
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All in all, it is unrealistic to conclude that just because 2 people get along and are attracted to each other in one module of interaction that it is automatically transferable to all aspects. I would still rather be physically attracted to a person first and then discover that we get along. I, do, however, use the term loosely. Physical attraction to me has less to do with looks and more to do with countenance, posture or the way they carry themselves, dress and grooming and speech.

What are some of your thoughts on the matter? Do you have success stories to share? Horror stories? What does it take to make a long distance relationship work -or any relationship for that matter?

In the end, attraction cannot be put into a scientific formula or a mathematical equation. I believe in magic, and I’m not above letting it work on me.