Dingit, I need a REAL friend that’ll last me through a breakup!!!

Why hello again, you big blog you, I’ve had an interesting day. I got up at like 11am after snoozing for 40 minutes on 2 different alarm clocks. I wasn’t able to sleep the night before. I was sorta tired I guess but had no desire for sleep. I think it was mostly because I didn’t get to talk to Mark that night and it just felt incomplete.

If it wasn’t in the middle of the night, I would’ve got on the computer and blogged some – or A LOT. I had a lot on my mind. I just sat on my bed and cried. In between crying I just stared – my mind racing at 999,999,999 thoughts per minute. I’ve had better nights.

This morning went quite well. I wasn’t tired when I woke up (strange!). I snoozed for a long time, and it wasn’t cool getting up over and over to shut off two alarms - I was sleeping on my pullout and one of the alarm clocks was on the bedside table and I had to climb up the bed and shut it off over and over. HELLO FEI! Just turn it off or get up. I’m not that smart half asleep. Come to think of it, I’m not that smart half awake either. Oh wait…

It wasn’t so nice especially since it hurt my stomach to sit up (still hurts) on account of doing too many sit ups last night because I was bored (as many as I could do in one minute straight – and I went FAST). You know, get some workout equipment in my room and I’m going to have a HARD bod by Spring! Either that or I’ll be permanently sore all over!

I had plenty time to dress up and do my hair. It was nice. I looked quite nice, I think -one of my better looking days. We were 20 mins early for church too! Wow! When was the last time that happened? Sacrament meeting was… funny. It was fast and testimony meeting. Hehe. Yeah. Both my parents spoke. My mom can bear GREAT testimonies but both my parents often get off on a different tangent. Dad talked about his trip to UT and all the people he met. Talked about Pres. Groberg- yeah, the guy from “The Other Side of Heaven” how he met him and explained that since rats only eat dead things, it was the calluses on his feet – the dead skin – that they had eaten. And how he had cancer in his feet some years later. Great sacrament meeting material, no?

He even mentioned me. And how he appreciated me sacrificing my college to “help the family”. Yeah RIGHT! Said something about how sometimes we need to slow down and stop letting changes happen faster we can handle. Wise words no doubt, but I didn’t appreciate him saying it in front of the whole branch. I just looked over at Ray’s drawings and taught him how to draw me (he’s doing a dang good job too). When dad was done, he came and sat right next to me, put his arm around me and gave my shoulders a couple of squeezes. I stiffened and just sat forward for awhile. It was AWKWARD! He doesn’t even do that to mom!

Nursery was quiet. I only had 4 kids, compared to the 6 I usually get. It was weird. Lydi and Isaac insisted on pushing their chairs around AGAIN after snack time, but it wasn’t so bad. I got them to sit down for the lesson and we all sang “I Am A Child of God” – which was our lesson. It was one of the best lessons I’ve taught there. *happy sigh*

Also, I just off the phone with Jared. I think we talked for 2 hours. Wow. We could’ve kept going too (though it WAS 3am his time). It was very nice to talk to him again. Got to tell him some about what’s been going on with Mark and I. I don’t know what he thinks, but I’d really like him for a friend. Kinda like Jessica and Wendy have him for a friend. That and nothing more. I don’t think he puts me in that category though. Who knows what department he put me in – but I’m pretty sure I’m alone there!

He did point out that I don’t do “alone” very well. And it’s very true. That’s why I’m still here. My parents want me to stop being obsessed over one guy after another. Everyone needs at least one friend. And I’ve always had one. Ok, since I was 14 – they were penpals over the internet. Friends I made over LDS Friends and LDS Chat. And then I moved on to non-lds internet friends – the bane of my existence. And since I was 16, I had my internet boyfriend. And then even in college while dating other people, I still had him to fall back on. And then Jared and then Mark. And I’m still turning to them. I know I need a good GIRL friend. One that I can do stuff with and not have to stop relying on when she gets married or something. But I don’t open up to girls easy. They open up to me. I’m the one they turn to with their problems. At least that’s how it was all throughout middle – high school.

Who knows. Maybe with this blog thing, I’ll really be able to handle alone. But that’s just pathetic. Like Mark tells me I can turn to him if I need to talk. Well, the problem is, half the time, it’s not having something I need to say or hear from him. I just, well, want the company. But since we’re not dating anymore, I can’t say “I need to talk to someone right now about nothing, can you not go out with your real friends and stay here and talk to me?”

I guess at some point I’ll learn to adjust. The conversation with Jared was a nice reassurance that I still have SOME friends. In some ways, I still think of him as my best friend. I’m not sure he looks at it that way but, I can be selfish and think what I want :D

I asked him if he ever thought of us getting back together again. I don’t know in what way he took that – but he didn’t quite answer my question. I’ve gotten used to the idea of not ever doing that again for a LONG time now. Saves complications to just leave it as that. I’d really like to be slotted into his friend list though. Ya know, Wendy’s not there and he talks to her a lot. Think he can do that with me? I mean – like one of those clear cut “we’re NEVER ever dating” relationships? I could use one of those right now. Actually, I could’ve used one of those a long time ago. That’s why I need to go for a good GIRL friend. Hopefully, then no questions would arise about whether we should start getting romantically involved. Hmmmmmm….. Hehehehe.

But for now – can I ask you a personal question? Blogger thingy, what gender are you? Cause if you’re a girl and, you know, if I was happy and KISSED you, I wouldn’t want to excite all the men reading this…. But I can’t have another one of my “just friends” relationship with a guy. Since they’ve never turned out that way before. It’s ALL or NOTHING ya hear?!

Maybe I just need to start turning to my parents. AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAH AHAHAHHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAH AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAH AHAHAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAh hhaaaaaaaaa…

OOOoh- ouch – stomach muscles. Painful!

*sigh* That was a good one.