The clock is ticking.

It just struck me tonight that I have 2 more months before I return to Hawaii. Tentatively, at least. If I slip up again, we can make that 6.

What this means, though, is that I have been here for half a semester extra (everyone would be doing midterms and I get to do whatever) and only have the other half to go.

I remember when I had 2 more months before I was supposed to have returned to Hawaii. Mark reminded me about that. I thought, two months: I can handle that. After all, I’d already been home for four.

Those two months were filled with anxiety and plans. Two months and I would be back with Mark. Two more months and I wouldn’t have to long for someone to hold me. I thought those were the two longest months of my life.

Well, here I am today, two months away from leaving home – again – something I have been looking forward to doing from the moment I arrived here. Yet, I have to admit how anti-climatic this is. I am looking forward to it, but there is no excitement. I see it there but I am not going to run towards it in excitement only to find it was just a mirage all along. I just keep walking, with the same pace and let it come to me.

I have no expectations whatsoever. As much as I am longing to see Mark again, I know that I want much more than just to see him and I refuse to let myself fantasize about our reunion for fear that we may play it out in real life or that I will be disappointed if we don’t. I don’t know which one I fear more. I miss having someone to return to.

I was watching American idol a couple of nights ago and they were auditioning in Hawaii. It made me so terribly homesick. I miss the place, the school and the people.

When I leave, I would have been here for as long as I was in Hawaii for. As much as the time has crawled, it feels so much shorter than all the college life I’ve had because I had done so much in those 10 months. I haven’t done anything with my time here. Sure, I have a job – sort of. I go visiting teaching, I work with my mom in the Young Women and have made a few friends– it’s all great, but I am not going forward with my life. I’m stuck in this inter phase. I’m just waiting. I don’t know for what anymore.

I really worried about returning to school in the Spring. Last Spring was terrible. All my friends had gone home for the summer, Jared just broke up with me and I was lonely. Thank goodness I had theatre to keep me busy and excited. I had to wait till the last 2 weeks of school till I met Mark. *sigh*

As a consolation, I tell myself that I already have few friends here and far less things to keep me busy. If I can take this, Spring will be the best part of my year so far. However, I realize that I have been blessed this whole time. I haven’t really been alone: I have my family.

My family members are my built-in friends. They love me no matter what and are always here to keep me company. I have done nothing but complain about them the entire time I’ve been home but this time around, I know I’m really, really going to miss them. I’ve gotten so used to the idea that home is always here. It will be so hard to leave again.

But I’m not going to say my goodbyes yet. I already did that twice.

The entire time I have been home, I have spent most of my life staring at a screen (computer or TV), sleeping (usually in the day), burying my nose in a book (mostly the ones my father has shoved at me) or sitting behind the wheel in the car. Every once in a while – at dinner – I get reminded to eat.

I noticed, however, that I have sought out a lot of knowledge since I’ve been home, or in this past 2 months, at least. I now know quite a great deal of ASL (I bought 2 computer programs to teach me to sign and have a few websites I visit to increase my vocabulary), I’ve been refreshing my memory on my psychology, I know a lot more HTML (and USE a lot more HTML) than I ever have before (thanks to this blog) and am currently working on learning how to write Java programs.

It feels good to say that I’ve been improving myself. I need to buck up so that I won’t feel like I’ve wasted my life away in the last year of my teen life. *gasp*

Maybe I’ll pick up my violin again tomorrow. And perhaps I should clean up the room that I will be able to call mine and mine alone (for the first and last time in my life, I have my own room) for just 2 months more.

I’ve gotten so used to being home, I’m almost hoping that I don’t have to leave just yet. It terrifies me to know that I feel that way.

I need a change.