Another anniversay

President's Day last year, Monday 17th of February, 2003 was when Jared first told me he liked me over the phone. That's today or yesterday or the day before depending on which time zone you're looking at and whether you're doing President's Day as the anniversary, or the 17th.

This is so bizzare.

I remember that day really well. It was exactly a month after Jared and I had first officially met. Of course I didn't realize that then. I usually hated Public holidays because everyone would be off campus and I would be stranded in a dead town (sucks to have no car) in the middle of nowhere.

Jared went to Pearl Harbor that day, I think. With Wendy? And you guys got your pictures posted at Big Boy Burger? I don't know what I did all day, but we went to see the movie "The Testaments" at the IMAX theatre in the PCC that night. We had planned it for a while.

I remember Erika (I LOVE her!) joining us that evening (she had even got sort of dressed up and did something different with her hair) and Sharrie (my older friend with cerebral palsy) all on my invitation. We had a good night. Pushed Sharrie home. Spent some time with her. She would never let us go home and would always ask for a blessing from Jared before we left. He only went there to be with me. lol.

Well, later that night, I talked to Jared on the phone from my room as usual. (Yes, even though we only lived 2 tennis courts apart - maybe 4.) He brought up Erika giving him signs that she liked him. I could've told him that! I thought it was really cute. Erika's my friend, I have stepped out of the picture for my friends before and I was going to with her. She may even have sat between Jared and I in the movie, I don't know. I just remember Jared telling me later that he was not happy with the seating arrangement.

I think I was doing something to the effect of congratulating him, but then Jared excalimed in exasperation, "But I don't like Erika, I like YOU!"

I imagine there was an awkward silence after that. I might've told him that I liked him too. (This was before our first date) "So what now?" was the question. I think I did warn him that I wasn't ready for a relationship - I had just broken up with Matthew again and I don't know if us "breaking up" ever meant anything. I guess Jared must've been disappointed that nothing happened that night, but still hopeful. We had a date on Saturday. Anything could happen.

I was just telling Mark about this on Yahoo, and I commented on how I have been looking back alot lately. Ever since I've been home, I have been living in the past, and in the future. I don't live so much in the future anymore - because ever since I removed Mark from that picture, all I see is a blank.

I live everywhere except in the here and now. Isn't that the sign of an unhappy person? But I don't want to be unhappy! I've tried so hard to make this blogger more than just a place for self-pity. Everytime I think, you know, I'm not really an unhappy person, I get a day like today. Or night comes, and I feel lonely again and wish I was somewhere else.

I sleep in the day to avoid having to live and I stay awake at night to avoid going to sleep in an empty bed. What a pathetic person I am.

Maybe it's just my lack of sleep talking. I think I just need to put my contacts in. I feel prettier after, and 10 times more awake and alive.

Like Cinderlla's glass slipper. But wasn't Cinderella already a happy person?