Happy one-month Anniversary.

One month of blogging. One month since I broke up with Mark.

I read nearly all of my blogs last night and this morning. I sure have changed my tone lately. I'm glad I wrote alot of the things I did. I recaptured alot of feelings today.

Faith, what do you mean I have some "freakin s**t" going on in my life? :D I love how you sensored it for me! loL!

Sometimes it sure feels that way. But it really isn't - just me blowing it all out of proportion. I need to apologize for making my parents sound like the bad guys. It really has felt like that sometimes, but I've always known that it isn't true. So they aren't perfect. Sometimes, they DO react out of anger.

But the only reason why I resist so much is because I know they are right. If I don't make them the bad guys, then it would make ME the culprit. Not a cool thought. At some point, I'll transition over to their side. I'm getting there.

Things are looking brighter on the whole. That's great. Mark and I still talk as little as a I was complaining about before. Maybe less. I still miss him all the time and cry because of it probably just as much. But I am getting used to it. We managed to talk to things out and DTR (define the relationship) again.

I still think about how I would be in Hawaii and the classes I'd be taking.

I got to chat briefly with my old roomie, Carol, on MSN the other day. *sigh* I miss her. She's Tongan from New Zealand and the nicest person ever. She totally rocks. Do your friends and cousin still empty your refrigerator all the time? Hehe.

And then only the coolest person in Hawaii, Cori(!!!) called me. If it wasn't for Mark giving me some notice ahead of time, I would NEVER have believed it. Someone actually called ME from Hawaii. Besides Mark, of course. Wow. I can still hardly believe it.

Cori just made me miss her and Hawaii even more. By the sounds of things, people and social circles have really changed since I was there. No surprise, but still hard to swallow.

It's going to be strange when I return, having to start over, yet still having some of my anchors still there. Although she does graduate in the spring with her associates degree in Theatre. *sniffle* We started school together! People are really moving on without me.

It's ok. I've gotten used to it by now. First thing I do when I get back to campus is to find a friend who has longer to graduate than I do - or at least the same ammount of time - and will never transfer nor go home in the Spring and Summer and will not need to serve a mission. Or get a boyfriend or girlfriend or get married and ditch me as a friend.

I wish! The ideal of course, would be to find someone who would stick around for me even if he graduates and I'm still in school, and be my friend for as long as he's around. And cook me dinner if I have no time to make something for myself. And I will be worth it. He'll be a friend with benefits, too - and THEN some.

Yeah. Wouldn't a spouse be nice?

Is it too pathetic to wish to have one? I know I'm only 19 and it's scary. I turn twenty in June. TWENTY. My mom got married when she was 20! How much farther am I?

There was a time when I could just see my future in my minds eye. I worked for the utility maintenance for on-campus housing and frequently would enter the married housing: TVA: Temple View Apartments. I had it all planned out. Our home, our kitchen, our couch, our bed. I could see where exactly I would put things. I knew which block I wanted to live in.

Now when I think marriage, my mind just goes blank.

Then I think, what would it have been like, if I continued with Mark. What about with Jared. Matt? Can there really be something even better than all that waiting for me?

I don't know. I guess I'll never really be able to compare.

I'll just have to trust God. He better know what He's doing.