Abnormal normality.

You would have thought that everything was just fine at home today. I stayed at the office for as long as I could (since Dad wasn’t there) so I wouldn’t have to come home and face reality. I was relieved to find that things had cheered up some. Except for the fact that we had to talk about the dreadful D word when we finally called Su to tell her about it and we sang “I am a Child of God” instead of “Love at Home” like we ALWAYS do for the opening hymn at family home evening, a casual observer would not have noticed that anything was amiss. Dad was in a jovial mood. Kids were playing together as usual (more than usual in fact: I love the holidays!) Mom’s eyes were still red and puffy though. They will be for a while.

It was strange saying family prayer too. I usually give thanks for being able to gather as a family and ask for peace to abide in our home… I could still say that – probably should more than ever – but it’s just awkward. We’re still discovering what this decision means.

It’s probably a good thing to be aware of the subtle changes that are happening in the home. Ignoring it completely would be denial and a bigger blow will hurt us more. It’s healthy to acknowledge it, I suppose, however painful.

In the meantime, I am laughing a lot. I mentioned this before, but I think it got worse today. I don’t mean a good kind of laugh. I’m finding more and more things hysterically funny to the point where it’s become difficult to control my laughter. It’s the sort of laughter that is meant to be disrespectful and an outlet for my severe bitterness. It scares me. I am afraid of coming out of this whole episode cold, unfeeling and cynical.

I must resist. This will affect every member of our family in everyway. I cannot let it affect me like this. Pain is infintely better than resentment.