Now I know why I never liked a banana split.

It wasn’t the banana part after all.

There’s just too much to say I don’t know how to get it across. I’ll do my best. It’s so sad that my first reaction is to type something on the computer.

I’m not deeply affected. I’m too numbed for it. I was prepared anyway. I was prepared from the time I was 16. I’m crying, but not as much as I thought I would. Mostly, I find every little thing funny. I must be over compensating.

Remember back when getting held back from school felt like the end of the world? I don’t know what could feel like that anymore. Nothing surprises me. My sensitivity for pain has decreased 100 fold since.

If you look back, you can always find those crucial moments like a switch in train tracks, when one turn leads to a whole new course. I’ve just had one of those days filled with millions of those crucial moments and the sum of them all will lead to different track and the pursuit of different dreams.

Last year, when Dad went to the US for business for 3 months straight, Mom was telling Su and I that she felt something big was going to happen. I trust mom’s “feelings”. She has this extremely scary accuracy rate when it comes to predicting things – bad things usually.

There were rumors being spread about my uncle selling the house we live in (he owns it) so we thought that we had to move. I guess not. We thought maybe Dad would make a huge break in the US and we had to move there. Hasn’t happened yet. I was terrified, imagining losing my Dad to some horrible plane crash or something. He is home now, safe and sound.

Dying in a plane crash would have been better. There would be less hurt involved.

Today after family scripture study, Dad announced that HE has made a decision. My parents are going to split up.

It didn’t come as a blow. Last night, I overheard their argument while replying Matt’s blog about friendships and relationships (how ironic, I talked mostly about marriage). As if that wasn’t enough, they came downstairs (Mom headed for the kitchen looking for a knife to stab herself with– so that’s where I get it from – and Dad rushing after to stop her) and I got to sit at the computer and be right in the middle of mom’s hysterical cries and dad's “calm, emotionless” replies which were progressively increasing in volume.

As soon as I was done with what I needed to do (preparing flyers for the church activity we’re organizing this Saturday) I up and went to my room, tired of being pulled into their argument.

I was awoken from my troubled sleep about an hour or so later (somewhere between 4-6 in the morning, I don’t remember) by my mom. She was crying because she had a huge bump on her head from being pushed to the floor by my Dad. He finally cracked. She told me later that it was when she was trying to get a hold of his cell phone. That would be too incriminating, I suppose. No can do.

Anyway, I got her and icepack and just cried with her for a while before tucking her into my bed and talking a little more. This has been a problem that has gone on for years now. I thought they had resolved it each time – so did they, I suppose – but they haven’t. It keeps resurfacing, getting worse and worse each time. This has been the worst ever.

Now I know why I’m not in college. I needed to be here.

I wish I were stronger and I wish I knew what to say. Mom needs someone, but I can’t be there for her because I am too emotionally involved. I am trying not to take sides. Just before my 16th birthday, my parents mentioned divorce to my sister and I for the very first time and my mom had pulled us in right in the middle of an argument to make us choose sides. I was for Dad. I thought mom was an emotional wreck and that she was just overreacting.

3 months of living with Dad while mom was away in Singapore and I changed my mind. My dad is a hard man. It’s fine for a dad, but terrible for a husband. I’ve felt sorry for my mom ever since I’ve learnt more about my Dad.

I don’t know what to think. The issue of my Dad’s infidelity was something I chose not to think about. I know now that it really DID happen in the past to a small degree, at least, but whether or not it did happen, I shut my eyes and my ears to it. I justified his questionable actions for him. If he was cheating on mom, I had a general idea who it would be (and I may have suspected correctly) but I didn’t let it bother me. It would be too hurtful to know.

My justification was that he was a good father and a good provider thus I have no right to judge him. That’s his justification to Mom too.

But, whatever he does affects Mom. He’s never been there for my mom emotionally. He gives her advice, lectures, like he does to me. But he puts himself on a higher level. He knows more than we all do about life and the mind because he’s read all these books and talked to all these people. And we know squat. Master of chat. Hah.

As far as I can tell, it’s never been a loving relationship. I never approved of how my parents don’t need each other. My dad “trained” mom to be independent of him – emotionally at least. That’s why he has a problem with me being so emotionally needy. For NEEDING Matthew; for NEEDING Jared and now needing Mark.

*Smiles* I remember just before grounding me from college the first time (December, last year) I had been talking a lot to Mark – every free moment I had. He asked me what happened if we broke up and he couldn’t be there for me anymore? In my irrationally emotional state, my hasty reply was “THEN I’LL JUST GET ANOTHER BOYFRIEND!!!”

See why I got grounded? I didn’t mean that. Don’t take it the wrong way. I really wish that Mark were really that replaceable.

(Parents working out the logistics now)
“I don’t have to think of you as a wife anymore”
“Then what?”
“I can treat you like a friend.”
“I don’t think you treat me as your friend, you treat me as someone you can talk down to”

Right on Mom.

Just a thought. Even now, they still call each other “dear”. They have called each other that my whole life. Are they really going to go back to using first names? That would be strange.

Mom was really conflicted last night about what to do next. She has held on to that marriage for so long just because she doesn’t want us children to have to go through a divorce. Bless her. I was so confused. I didn’t know what to tell her.

You see, if it had affected ME directly, I would know what I want. But I am not the issue now. I am not affected either way. I leave home again soon. So who am I to say that she should sacrifice herself for her children and be unhappy for the rest of her life or should I really tell her that my brothers’ happiness are more important than hers? I don’t know, I don’t know.

We were saved the trouble. Dad decided for all of us. As usual.

I guess I have chosen sides huh?

They decided – no DAD decided – to end the marriage so they wouldn’t have to put us through their fighting. That’s just a load of crap.

I am the first child born under the covenant. My parents were the first local couple to be married for all time and eternity in the temple. We will be the first children born under the covenant to go through a divorce.

Mom is Singaporean. She can live here because she’s married to Dad. What happens now?

When Dad broke the news to us, Ernie was the first one to cry, then Mom and I because of Ernie. And then Han, then Shuan. Ray… bless him. He still doesn’t get it. He laughed at us for crying. When he finally understands it will be too late.
What’s the big deal, everyone’s parents are already divorced. I shouldn’t be whining.

I said I didn’t care what happened. I just want to do something – SAY something – to have them change their mind.

I’m going to sleep now and hope that when I wake up tomorrow, I will find out it was just a bad, bad dream.

I wish Mark were here.