Be still.

I nearly ruined my Sunday today.

Woke up too late to do my hair or makeup, drove home to get my lesson manual and to see if maybe mom needed a ride to church (bad move), used the ATM, pumped gas (I know, on a Sunday) went to church, rehearsal for an impromptu musical presentation, rushed to Jennifer's to pick her up. Got to church while they were saying the opening prayer (Bro. Cragun had filled in for me on the piano, bless him) and sat through the entire Sacrament meeting in a very bad mood.

I took out a lot of it mentally on Jennifer, blaming her for making me pick her up when I already had a million things to do. She's just an investigator and I hope she gets baptized but today I was wishing that she would just stop coming to church so I wouldn't have to pick her up anymore. It wasn't the poor girls fault though. She did tell me to let her know if I couldn't pick her up. I just don't have her number. It's such a small sacrifice, picking someone up for church (hey, the fact that she wants to be there is a big deal) but there I was complaining about it.

Tiffany one of my girls from YW gave a talk. I feel terrible now for not remembering what it was about. Elder Snow gave a good talk on parents teaching by example. The musical number went well, they sang a beautiful song, but I just wasn't feeling it. Jenny Lo spoke next. Oh my. When she started rambling about why she changed her mind and would accept polygamy under certain circumstances, I just about died. Laughing of course. Jenny is just a trip. She based the rest of her talk on a pamphlet. When she held it up, mom and I looked at each other: "the Divorce bug!" Her talk ended up being short, which was surprising. She didn't even mention her 3 Dalmatians once. Wow.

There was time left over and Bro. Andrews who was conducting read from somewhere some counsel about celestial marriages or something. He was the one who put the program together that way. I think that he had our family in mind. For some reason, I resent that. Mostly because I know that both Mom and that were thinking "See, that's your problem!" during those talks. Or maybe it's just me.

I went into Sunday school late because I was in the bathroom doing my makeup and hair so I would feel that I was somewhat prepared for Church. The lesson was on the allegory of the olive tree (Jacob 5) in Sunday school. Generally, I LOVE deciphering symbols and stuff but today my mind was wandering. I was stressing about the lesson I was going to give that I didn't prepare for and analyzing why I was in such a foul mood.

I had a good weekend. The trip to the park wasn't all I had hoped it would be, but it wasn't bad. Mom didn't do so well, and I feel really bad about that - but that's another story. I got a job, the party was a blast, my cake turned out well (yay for Duncan Hines), Jasmine is the greatest. But I was still in a bad mood at church (church, of all places - I love church!) when I could have felt really uplifted.

I think that I was just drained, both physically and emotionally. I had been kept busy with things non-stop since Friday and all that stress had built up. I have nothing against being busy, it's great. I am usually bored, so having stuff to do is a good thing.

You know how when you're facing emotionally trying times, you try to fight off depression by doing a million things at once so you won't have to deal with the pain. That's what I did this weekend. Not intentionally, but I did it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work. Not for me at least. I guess living out here instead of at home doesn't help either. I really feel now like I was trying to shove all the problems aside and leave them at home.

There have been a lot of issues that I've been needing to deal with but didn't have the time to sit down and sort out. Blogging is one of the ways I do that - hence this post. But I haven't had time for truly introspective blogs. Mom has been going through some stuff too, and I haven't talked to her about it. I don't know what the deal is now. One day, they announce that they are separating, and they confirm that the whole thing is over, another day they talk things out and end up going out for supper (that's their version of a date, I think), and then now Mom is back to being ready to give up.

I haven't talked to Mom about anything for a while now. That might be the problem. I didn't want to before, but it helped when we did. I feel that I'm missing out on some important details because Mom is trying to protect me from the truth, (the same way I am not posting every aspect of this whole ordeal here) and if that was the case, I'm not sure if I'm grateful or if I'd rather be told.

Whatever it is, I feel guilty that I am not home right now. I used to love being in college and away from home because I was free of all these problems. I am not home now, but I am in no way free. I suppress it, but I still carry it with me wherever I go.

To add to the confusion, I don't know what my standings are as far as BYUH is concerned. I don't know who does the parenting, I don't know what BYU H thinks. I don't know if I could get back to Hawaii in the Fall even if Dad finally let me go. Do I need to send them another application? The deadline was in February.

Ever since this separation (I say separation because I am so confused as to whether the term divorce is still appropriate) began, I have completely turned my focus to my family, worrying for my siblings and my mom so I wouldn't have to worry for me. In the course of trying to lose myself in the worry for others, I left my emotional welfare somewhat neglected. I need to thank those who checked up on me. It made me feel very pampered and I needed that more than I care to admit.

The issue here is that I forgot that I was dealing with a breakup at the same time. I had realized that I'd stopped thinking about calling Mark all the time and haven't even bothered to reply the last email he sent me. I figured it was a good thing because maybe I'm finally getting over this. I don't know if I am. I just know that I don't want to be over Mark yet. I want to have a name and a face to my longing for companionship and emotional support.

In all honesty, it's not hard to be over him. And I think I really might be. I've merely been afraid to admit it aloud for fear that it would hurt him. I am still lonely and I want more than ever to have someone to love. The difference is the realization that intimacy is what I long for, not him. He is wonderful and amazing and there will always be a void he left behind that no one can replace. However, it has been so long since I've been with him and a little while since we've last talked. I don't sit down on my couch recalling what it was like having him there with me anymore. I don't think of Mark sitting next to me in the car when I drive. I don't spend my whole day thinking about him anymore. I used to do that. I could just sit for hours thinking about the things we did. Now, I simply don't remember what it was like and I am beginning to forget what he is like.

I want to talk to him now, to remind myself, so I can continue to love him - I am so afraid of letting go.

Whether I am ultimately missing Mark or just the relationship is immaterial. I can't do anything to fix it either way. In the end, I just miss something, whatever it is, and the feeling of loneliness is no different.

In the end, I'm just looking for someplace to invest my affection and something to hope for. I used to dream about returning to Mark and building my future around him. That changed. Then, I looked forward to returning to Hawaii, if not to see him, just to date again, go to school and move on with my life. I can't afford to look forward to that anymore. Just not worth the sense of loss I feel every time I get held back. I'd like to date here, but nothing's happening. Nothing will for a while. Putting dreams of my future aside, what happened to the dreams of my family’s future? I don’t know what to treasure anymore. I feel robbed, in a way. I’ve never thought to complain about my trials being unfair – others have gone through it long before I have, and more. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I have lost everything precious to me.

I know I haven’t REALLY lost it all. I realize that I still have my family – not the way I imagined I would, but I still have them (and who knows, maybe things WILL turn around – but I’m not holding my breath). My education is put on hold, not cancelled. As soon as I get to a place with enough LDS guys, I will be back to liking (and with my track record, and if I don’t become too jaded, dating) a million of them at once again.

Unfortunately, emotions have little to do with the reality of the situation. When I finally stop to feel, this is what I get and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to keep busy and focus on the happy things, but it still isn’t working. I can push it aside for a week, but it doesn’t go away. It just keeps building up and, on days like today, comes crashing down on me.

My Sunday ended on a better note. The lesson on patriarchal blessings didn’t go as bad as I had anticipated. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I gave a good lesson. I should have been prepared and it was irresponsible of me to have done that. However, the spirit was definitely there today and I needed that. We only had Tiffany in there today. I don’t know what she got out of the lesson, but it doesn’t matter much. That lesson was for me.

I was reminded of the bigger plan today. There’s something for me that I can’t see yet, I’m on the inside of the maze staring at these tall hedges. Right now, I’m not really at a place where I have/get to make any choices. No junctions yet. I just follow the course my past decisions led me to, trusting that whoever made this maze didn’t just create a whole bunch of dead ends (and anyway, hedges can be cut through when desperate). I can’t give up now, without seeing where this thing leads to. I have to trust that there’s something good at the end of this.

In a way, I’m lucky that I’m not faced with a whole lot of choices. The only decision I have to make now is what kind of experience I want this to be.