Indispensible disruption.

I'm up watching the delayed telecast of the Oscars while searching for scripts to put on my blog. Dad comes by and asks me why I'm always staying up so late. "What is it that you're doing?"

I tell him I'm working on my website (this blog). "Why is it so important that it disrupts your life?" He goes on to give me some advice on getting my schedule right but nothing registers because I am answering his question in my head.

This is my biggest problem - has always been. I'm always letting something disrupt my life and have my priorities all topsy turvy. It almost always involves the internet. Or else, a man. Usually both.

No drugs, no alcohol. Just everything else.

In high school, I stayed up at night waiting for my parents to fall asleep then snuck online to chat with random strangers on ICQ. From among those random strangers came Matthew. Strange. They banned me from the internet because it was disrupting my life (there's that phrase again!) and it really didn't help at all.

In college, I stayed up alot with Jared. Not to the same degree as I had before. After I met Mark, we spent our night talking on Yahoo which quickly turned into trips to 7-11 and nights spent in his car. Then I came home. I spent every single minute I could spare talking to Mark.

Then I got grounded. Because I wasn't managing my life well. I was letting relationships "disrupt my life" said my parents. Well, they had a point.

So I broke up with Mark. We were bad for each other that way. It wasn't the reason I decided to do it but I wanted to prove to my parents that I wasn't emotionally dependant. Hah. The thought.

Well now I don't really chat anymore. Mark and I have cut communication - or at least have mostly cut it off. I'm still losing sleep and skipping meals. I'm not acting "normal" like my parents hoped I would. The worst part: I don't have an excuse now.

Before, my defense was that I didn't have friends. Well, the gang and I will be going for a movie on Saturday. We met last Saturday at Yong Seng's and at Valentine's here in my home. We see each other on Sundays for meetings (those dang meetings). I have friends. I don't see them everyday like I did with my buddies in college, but they are great friends.

It's not friends I'm looking for though. Life is SO much better with them. Likewise with my family. But it doesn't keep me from feeling lonely.

I spend most of my day working on this blog. If I'm not posting something, I'm learning about HTML or javascript or CSS files to put on my site. Other than that, I spend my time reading other blogs and writing lengthly replies to emails if and when I get them.

I was living Hawaiian time when I came home and that certainly hasn't changed. I guess I just got reminded of how much I long to be somewhere else. I don't like that. I didn't approve of the people who were homesick when they were in Hawaii, only the best place on earth and I certainly don't wish to be one who is unappreciative of all the good things that are happening NOW. Even though I know that is exactly what I am.

I've kept so busy this last few weeks. And in trying to keep from feeling lonely, I have been going from one activity to another. Yet, there's just something missing. There's a nagging emptiness that I spend my days trying to ignore.

I want love. I've longed for it all my life. But it's foolish and impractical to have my life revolve around it - or the lack of it thereof. I'm not the only one, I know. How does the rest of the world deal with it?

I blog. It keeps me going. It's my project; my distraction from misery; my life. However disruptive it is to a healthy lifestyle (I seriously doubt I've ever had one) I need it.

I also need to eat more. Or do something to work up an appetite at least.

But for now, I need sleep.

Thank you for reading. You make this all worthwhile.