"Garlic" bread.

How do you bake that without garlic or an oven?
Lessons on cooking improvisation by Faye and Yong Seng.

1) Slice barguette into irregular oblong shapes.
2) Spread slices on both sides with an inconsistent mixture of butter (or margerine) and salt.
3) Look for foil. When you realize you bought seram wrap instead, send friends out to store to buy foil.
4) Join the bread slices back into a loaf - it's quite fun, actually, like a jigsaw puzzle. Wrap it up in the afore mentioned foil, not to be confused with seram wrap.
5) Turn on the fire on stove.
6) Very carefully balance the wrapped up bread on grill.
7) When you realize it's not really very smart, find one of those grill thingys you use to cool your cookies on and put that on top of the stove and voila! Your very on in-house barbeque grill!
8) Put the wrapped up loaves on that.
9) Leave it on the grill until your bread is SMOKING and your whole kitchen smells like an ashtray. Then, turn the heat down.
10) Wait 10 minutes for bread to get crunchy
11) After 10 minutes and the bread is still tough, remove from stove.
12) When you find that the bottom part of the loaf is charred to ashes, remove bread slices from foil and cut off the burnt parts.
13) Place the halved slices of bread that STILL aren't cruchy on the grill and barbeque them.
14) Poke them around with a fork so you look like you know what you're doing.
15) When they catch fire yell "Oh crap!" and Yong Seng will take care of it.
16) As soon as you think the bread is toasted enough, remove from grill.
17) Serve with Campbell's cream of mushroom soup.
18) Smack yourself in the forehead for not using a frying pan. Oh, no frying pan? A wok would do the trick! I think.

In the case of a vampire attack, do not attempt to use bread for protection. You are better off eating the charred remains of your barguette flambe.