I gave in.

In a way, I was planning on it. *sigh*

Just as soon as it hit 9pm his time (free weekends!) I picked the phone up and dialed his number.

He picked up on the second ring. That was quick - I was half hoping he wouldn't. The conversation was well, awkward. I ask him how he is, and he asks me back, but really, I'm just looking for signs that he isn't doing so well. He never cracked once.

Said he doesn't read my blogs because it can be difficult to. Ok. Good. I guess. He has a point. But I still don't like this disconnecting process. I don't understand how he is just so dang strong.

I've heard that real love is unselfish. I must not have it then. Instead of wishing for him to move on and learn to be happy without me (I'm not sure if he wasn't at this point) I find myself wishing that he would ask for me to take him back.

It's probably just as well he doesn't because I would. I would.

I'm just tired of hearing about how much he loves me from other people. I've never figured out what he wants. It's always based on what's actually possible. What goes into accordance with what I want. Or what I tell him I want.

He's going to be doing a final when I get back to Hawaii. I know I'll be looking out for him when I get back to campus. I'm nervous. I don't know what I'll do when I finally run into him. It's not a very large campus. I spent my first six months here dreaming of finally reuniting with him again. Returning into the arms of the one I love.

Where do dreams like these go?

We'll probably hug. But it will be very, very painful.

It was his idea for us to not talk now because he wants us to really move on so that it won't be awkward between us when I get back. It's sound logic but I doubt that 6 weeks of missing him terribly is going to help.

He tells me it'll help if we break it off formally, but he won't tell me not call. WHAT DOES HE WANT?!

He wants me to open up to him but won't do it back. It's lonely feeling like the only one who's hurting - or at least the only one admitting it. I wish I could be all together like he is.

I know I haven't lost him yet. He's still mine. It's time to let him go but oh gosh it's hard. I always encourage my ex's to date other women right after we breakup. I know it hurts because it feels like I'm pushing them away. I do it for 2 reasons. One, to hear him say that he doesn't want to date anyone else but me (I'm messed up that way) and two, in hope that he will move on and I will be forced to as well.

I want him to be free of me and be happy. At the same time I just want to drag him down so I don't have to miserable alone since I can't seem to find the strength - nor the desire to pick myself up and get back on my feet.

All these conflicting emotions are taking its toll on me.

I'm tired of feeling lonely every night. I had a great day but they always end in blogging to block out the emptiness. Or at least to help me deal with it. Sleep is the better option, I guess. But I really don't want to lie in bed clutching my pillow and crying, wishing I could be held and tremble in his arms while waiting to fall asleep.

Was he really here all that months ago? That can't be the same couch we snuggled together on. It seems like a million lifetimes away. All I have left is a faint memory of being incredibly happy.

I'll find reason to be happy again in the morning. I miss him and it hurts.

I'm sorry for being human.