Square peg in a round hole.

Matt Laird and all his friends have been talking about this awesome party-of-the-century they just threw. In a way, I’m envious, yet at the same time I’m really glad that I went to BYUH (I never went to a single party there, never heard of any – crazy huh?) If I did hang with them, I would be so left out. I would have chosen not to go because of all the booze and sex and who knows what else. This is unnecessary speculation though. If I did go to Indiana U, I wouldn’t hang with them either. Not because I don’t approve of them or anything, just that I would be way too different for them to choose to hang with me.

I spent all my life being the odd one out in school, in Elementary school I was one of the few English-speakers in a Chinese immersion school. Secondary school (that’s what we call middle to high school here) was much better. I went to a local Malay school – St. Mary’s girl school – and sought out other people who spoke English as a first language. You find a lot more of them there than in a Chinese school. Most of my friends were Christians too (my best friends were Catholic) and we got along great. Unfortunately, the school was right in the middle of town and some rich company bought the land and our school moved FAR away. Most of the girls transferred to other schools. I was not excluded. After one year of my social peak, I moved to Bukit Nanas Convent. Another girls’ school (now you know why I went crazy at college and haven’t calmed down since). It was a good school, like my previous one, with the same kinds of people. The only difference was that it was much bigger and there wasn’t a group of people to welcome me into their circle of friends like they had in my other school. There was one group of girls that did invite me to have recess with them – Poh Yan, she’s awesome – but they were a group of Cantonese speaking Chinese girls. I label them as the “Chinesey Chinese” and since I don’t speak Cantonese very well and come from a totally different culture, I chose to spend my recess alone. Never having much of a social life before, I was fine with that. I had friends in class and that was good enough.

After a few months, I started noticing other people who were sitting alone and they soon became my friends. I still make friends (2 boyfriends thus far) in the cafeteria at college that way. My social life picked up and I wasn’t lonely in school. Still, I was always different. I certainly felt that something was missing. My “American side” was developing so my humor was a lot different from my friends (till today, I’m not sure my sense of humor even exists), I thought about deep moral subjects like the purpose of life and stuff like that while other kids were talking about what happened last night on Charmed

There was one person who had the most in common with me: Azlynne. She was just as geeky as I was. Her glasses was nearly as thick as mine, she didn’t know anything about the Backstreet Boys or the Moffats (she actually met them at the airport when they were here, of all people – made the whole clases super envious!) and would sing all the 80s hits with me (Go Roxette!). We were in the chess club together, recommended books to each other (she was a school librarian so she got me hooked up), we were in the debate team together and got 2nd place (go us!), put our entire heart and soul into the Literary, Debate and Drama society in school (the club for Englishers like us) and had a good number of discussions on religion and beliefs – her father is a Chinese but her mother is a Malay – that makes her a Muslim. She was on the Internet before I got started and eventually we were both computer geeks and Internet addicts and I’m positive that she got banned from the Internet too. She even struggled with homework as much as I did making us BOTH social outcasts. We even got the same results in our first government exam (6 A’s and a B). It was great.

Unfortunately in our junior year, all our classes got scrambled up and we (our entire grade) were forced to make new friends. I was on the science stream taking classes like chemistry, biology and physics while she did economics, accounting and stuff like that. We hardly saw each other after that. I got contacts and started listening to the radio and watching the popular TV shows just so I could have something to talk to my friends about. I made friends with the more popular kids and till today, she must feel like I’ve changed a lot, and in many ways left her behind.

So I conformed (I’ve been known to do that) but I was still the odd one out. Maybe everyone feels like the odd one out. Who knows. I never let it bother me too much though– I was always closer to my family than my friends anyway. Maybe that’s what made me different. My friends would see each other outside of school a lot – I hung out with my family and had fun.

The only place where I felt like I really belonged was at church. Where in school I was the quiet kid, in church, I was popular if anything. I suppose I still am in some ways. Adults and children knew me and I knew everything about everyone. I answered questions in class (still do) and was actively involved in planning and attending activities. I really think the language had a lot to do with it.

College was PERFECT for me. With all the classes in English, I was able to excel in classes. I wasn’t afraid to ask questions anymore and making friends was so easy. The fact that BYUH is a church school made the entire campus one big church environment. And since I am most social at church that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I made the most amazing friends. Most everyone is friendly and open to meeting new people at BYUH. I could hand out chocolate hugs and kisses to random people on Valentines day and wouldn’t get weird stares for it. It was just humongous hecka awesome. I still found myself different though. While my friends didn’t care for the Backstreet Boys (thank GOODNESS) not talk about any kind of music a lot, I hadn’t watched American TV before so I didn’t get all the jokes about the ads they had watched. I never watched half the movies they did – just the Disney ones. Being Asian and a minority (yes, even in BYUH) especially since I pick out white American friends, I will never be able to blend in completely.

I have my own unique culture, a mixture of Chinese, Malaysian, American and LDS. The only place I will truly belong is with my family. Thank goodness for that.

You know though, being different all my life, I’ve really learned to embrace it. I want to be special: simply me. That’s what makes me completely irreplaceable.



“The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).