In the mood for drama.

Something's wrong with me. Things are going right and I just feel like crying. And because I have no excuse, I make things to cry about.

I DTRed with Mark yesterday. Defined the Relationship. We're both a little confused as to where this is all going. One thing Mark and I have figured out over this past year is how different we are - just as much as we are alike. He doesn't open up very easily and it's always a struggle for me to find out what's going on in that brain of his. Part of the struggle is that he doesn't know half the time.

As I've spent more and more time with him everyday, I find myself falling for him all over again. Cheesy yes. Sorry if I'm making you gag. But that's where it is. And really, I'm terrified. I talked to him yesterday because I needed some confirmation from him that it was ok to let myself. As much as I have gotten over my past relationships, in a way, I'm still scarred.

My problem is that I see every relationship I get into as leading to marriage. I expect it. I told Mark yesterday that I wasn't about to learn to need something that I was only on a 30-day free trial for that I couldn't afford to pay for long-term afterward.

1st boyfriend ever (yes, it was an online relationship but it was as real to me as it ever could be), he was Catholic, me LDS, doomed from the start. I ignored it anyway. We broke up a few times, him a few times, then me a few because we knew we had to do something. But in the end, that wasn't the reason we ended the relationship. We met once. He came to Hawaii to see me Dec 2002. I was thrilled. It was everything I had ever dreamed of for 2 years.

And then there was the pregancy scare.

That frightened him. And that was it. It was clear that marriage wasn't in the agenda. Not yet at least. We couldn't unless we worked out our religious issues. And we were deadlocked. I thought he loved me enough. He swears he still loves me today. I felt cheated in a way. Cheated of a fairy tale I had promised myself.

Jared and I didn't date for very long. 5 weeks. Towards the end, we were planning our breakup. Why? Gosh. If I had understood it then, it would have helped so much. I guess in alot of ways, I don't still. He prayed about our relationship (it's a Mormon thing, you may never get) and he was sure he needed to breakup with me. Looking back, it was probably for the best. I wasn't over Matthew yet and not ready to be in a relationship. But I didn't understand it then and that made it so hard. We were both thinking marriage. We found ourselves making plans. But then imagine finding out that you're not good enough for him. That he has to break up with you because God doesn't think you're up to par. That's not what the situation was, but it sure felt like it.

Anyway. I've been talking to Su some and trying to help her with her breakup. She mentioned being afraid to ever get involved again because it's just so difficult. For some reason, just these couple of days, I've been reminded of that feeling. Extreme loneliness and confusion. That's why I needed reassurance from Mark. I'm so afraid that I'm clinging on to him just because it's easier than breaking up. Or that something will happen and I'll have to. It's conflicting.

Mark has been wonderful. He seems to know exactly what to say when I need it. He tries so hard. We may be two very different people, but it's very comforting to observe the way we've talked everything out and worked together to straighten thoughts and feelings out.

Which brings me to mentioning the thing between Jared, Mark and I. Basically, Jared is the resident advisor in Mark's dorms. There is a curfew - 12am everyday but Fridays - 2am (yes, this is college believe it or not). Being out after curfew is fine, if you sign out. Or else, there is a $25 encumberance. Well, Jared fined Mark for not being in his room one night. Simple as that.

Stupid thing to get mad at Jared for? Of course. When I first heard that from Jared, I laughed. Mark is out with me every night and we weren't in the habit of signing out. We had it coming. But Mark felt that he was singled out and I didn't believe him. After doing some of his own research, and me checking with Jared, we got a few different versions of the story. No one else was checked. Just Mark. His door happened to be open, Jared looked in. No Mark. Oops. (Surprise, surprise) 25 dollar fine for you. Serves you right for being out with my ex girlfriend doing who knows what. *Evil laugh*

That's how I see it anyway.

Jared and I talked about it today. Finally. After me being angry for how long now? The only other person I remember being mad at for this long is my Dad. Which I still hold some bitter feelings towards.

He holds his stand. Swears they do random bedchecks like that all the time. Was he glad to encumber Mark? He gladly admits it. But you know what, he un-encumbered Mark anyway. A long time ago. And we didn't know about it.

I want to put this behind me, I say. But yet, I'm still mad.

Why'd he reverse it? Because of me. Is that fair? I certainly don't think so. But I've given up at this point. All I wanted was an apology. I can't get one. Instead, we'll keep the $25, and in turn, I've become the bad guy for overreacting and taking it personally and I made Mark look bad because according to Jared, he was hiding behind me.

No. No he wasn't. I approached Jared on my own accord. Because I feel like this stupid problem is my fault. It's true. Jared wouldn't dislike Mark if he had no connection with me whatsoever.

Why it hurts? Because Jared was my best friend. I love Mark. Alot. I'd like a little approval, please?

It's the whole holier than thou attitude that really gets to me.

Mark and Jared talked it out too today. So things are cool. On the surface. Mark will take Jared's word for it because he really doesn't want to be angry. And me. I'm just confused now. I'm angry. But more at myself. I'm angry for not having anything to be angry about anymore - if that makes any sense.

It was easier when I had to choose sides. When I could prove my loyalty to Mark by defending him and fighting on his behalf.

I don't know.

I still feel like this has changed things. I feel a hint of regret as I see Jared with his friends and I choose to be with Mark - because I don't want things to be awkward. I feel guilty for feeling like I'm missing out. Mark and I don't have many friends collectively. I can only think of two people. His computer geek friend and co-worker Scott and my sister Su. It's not that I want to be with Jared over Mark. It's not Jared specifically. It's friends. I want to have Mark and have friends. It hasn't been working out so far and I can't figure out why. It's never happened to me before.

Why I get so defensive and took the who $25 thing so personally? I just feel like the whole world is against me sometimes. Mark is the greatest source of happiness in my life right now. He makes me laugh always and pulls me up when I'm down. He's a wonderful companion. I'd like to share a little of my happiness with other people. Not happening. Scott's the only person all giggly over the two of us getting back together "I KNEW IT!" (but even that's questionable).

Anyway. I'm tired. Mark and I said goodnight early today because we had just gone running and a few consecutive nights of keeping each other out late has been catching up. It was pathetic how painful it was for me to say goodnight. At the same time, it's so wonderful when the person you cling to clings right back on to you.

I miss him right now. I've been crying. I don't know why. Even after writing a whole blog about it. I was playing music from home today. All my sad breakup songs. I like sad stories. I need to stop making this into another one.

Tomorrow will be another day of taking tours and procratinating and laundry. But there will be Mark. And Mark. And holding hands. And if I need to cry some more, it will be on his shoulder.

Tried to go for a while without touching each other today. Didn't even last a couple of hours.

On a totally random note, I watch a birthing video today for developmental psychology. Sure. As long as it's science, you can show anything in a church school!