A glimpse into the past.

I know I shouldn't post this, but I felt like sharing.

I just got this in my e-mail and some of you might be interested to read it. It's from my first ex-boyfriend, Matthew.

Fei Min,

I didn’t know whether to send you this or not. I decided I would; forgive me if my weakness causes you pain.

I haven’t heard from you in a while. I’m not sure what’s going on with you or your family, I can only hope you are well and happy.

On Sunday morning I report for Marine Officer Candidate School in Quantico, Virginia where I begin my initial training prior to receiving my commission as a Lieutenant. I will not be able to check email very often if at all and will have very infrequent phone use. I can really only be reached by mail.

If you were to choose to write me, the address would be:

[BLEEP]

I can only get letters, nothing else. I can’t imagine what they would do if I got a box with some of the stuff you’ve sent me in the past. I give you the address in case you need anything of me.

This is also an excuse to tell you I love you, only you, and am not afraid of anything. I don’t know if I’ll hear from you ever again or how you react to me telling you this. It may register with you as it would if I said it to a perfect stranger. I will never again share in love with a woman, and I don’t care.

You are the most beautiful woman – in all time and space – in all metaphysical conceptions. And for a time you were mine, and I will always be yours.

Wah Ay Ni,
Matthew

The last time I communicated with Matthew was... hmmm... at least 4 months ago. I don't remember. Even then, it was a quick hello, not much more. It's strange how I no longer have any real desire to contact him. Each encounter inflicts hurt -if not on him, on myself.

It's just strange to feel so indifferent to such a letter. Where something like that would bring tears to my eyes before, I barely am capable of feeling sorry for him right now. I feel pity, as always, but I feel much more cold and aloof than I've ever been. It's good to know that I am liberated - that his emotions are no longer tied to mine - but I feel heartless because of it. It could be that in my happiness, I have lost some empathy. I'm not sure I want such a trade off.

I probably won't write him back. I've stopped crying for him. It's just such a strange feeling. I feel mean. It's sort of like being approached by a starving child on the street who follows you around and is begging you for substance. And you ignore them because what little you have needs to be given to your own child. You know what you're doing is right, but you can't help feeling guilty.

The best I can do now is pray that he'll find someone else so that he can move on and help him by not reminding him of me.

I never thought I could wish to erase myself from someone's past. I guess I am growing some.