Over compensating?

Once again, I apologize for not keeping you up to date and will try to rectify that by writing a really long blog post now.

Not that the friendships I have made or had maintained through this blog don't matter anymore. The truth is that the internet has always been a replacement for real friendships in my life.

But you folks still mean so much to me. So I'm trying to find a happy medium. The problem is that I still am trying to write to please. Keeping my readers interested strangely still matters to me and it keeps me from simply keeping a log of things that go on in my life everyday.

How interested are you in my life anyway?

I know I need to keep it up either way though because at least Mom reads this to keep up with my life. I know she's not the only one either.

Right now, I've gotten to a point where I haven't blogged in so long, there is so much to write about, that just the thought of blogging is demotivating. The feeling resembles that of not having anything interesting to say.

It's not that I don't have anything to write about - it's just that I don't know how to make it interesting or humorous for you readers.

In some ways, I feel like I've lost a part of me - almost as if I left it back home in Malaysia. I don't know what it is, but it was the ingredient that drove me to constantly work on this place and keeping it alive.

Loneliness and boredom? Hmm...

As much as I don't miss that aspect of it, I certainly feel like a different person. With all that time on my hands, there was plenty of room for contemplation. I really had to try to look for the funny things in life.

Also, unhappiness breeds deep thoughts. growth, maturity, good movies, good writing and good blogs. Since I'm mostly on cloud #9, I have no deep thoughts to offer you. All my energy is put into living that I've none left for thought. That's why I feel shallow and immature.

I guess this post is a good start to becoming contemplative again.

I was just thinking about how I made myself the center of my life through my blog while back home. I gave myself plenty of "me" time and put myself in the spotlight. I gave myself a place where I could feel sorry for myself and celebrate my own happiness. Whether or not I had friends and family to do that with me.

I haven't had alot of me time since I've been here. Mostly because I don't want any! You should have seen how hard it was for me to say goodnight to Mark today. I still have time to cry and to rejoice over successes - the only difference is that I know do it with a real live person. Instead of sharing it here, I can share it with Mark. He has become the center of my universe.

Wonderful as it is, it seems to have dampened my creative energy and this blog has been put into a coma. I know I still have a sense of humor around somewhere but because I don't get to use it here much anymore, it feels non-existent. I'd like to think I use it everyday with my friends, but I'm not sure.

It's not a new challenge though. I've always felt inferior here. This is America the land of wit and humor and my friends (who happen to be mostly Americans) are all funnier. I try to match them with comebacks but I usually make people laugh because I did something silly or pronounced some word funny. I've never been very funny anyway.

I try not to let it keep me from being cool though. I guess having a sense of humor isn't just being able to crack jokes or funnt retorts but also being able to appreciate good ones, react appropriately or simply being able to take life lightly enough to have a good laugh every once in a while.

I think I do ok. I don't care to be remembered as funny. Cute will do. And happy. I try to always be seen with a smile. Being a tourguide, it's a good quality to have. I don't exactly know what my guests think of me yet. I've gotten compliments from them and such, but I want to hear the complaints. I hand surveys to the guests after each tour and the results get read to us at the end of each month. Since I'm new, I haven't heard anything yet. I think I do pretty good. Some tours have been better than others, but I like to think that I have a personality warm and cheery enough that the guests will like having me as their guide. Come to think of it, I've actually been getting pretty good at getting my guests to laugh. The jokes are repeated of course, and not always original ( it also depends on the group - some really have no sense of humor, or maybe I just told it wrong) but it sure is an ego booster when it works, helps my guests open up more and helps me give a tour more confidently.

Oh, I figured it out. I don't need to be funny. Although some wit would be nice, I just want to be fun. I don't want to be quiet, serious or boring. Or someone who TRIES to crack jokes but just creates awkward silences. Sure it'd be nice to be the center of attention by being funny, but really, I'd settle for being fun enough that people will think to call me when they're doing something. I don't care what it is about me, I just want people to enjoy my company. And even if it's just because I'm so easy to make fun of (which I am) so be it.

I really care to much about being liked.

Socially, things have been picking up for Mark and I. It was depressing for the both of us at first, not really having many friends of our own nor belonging to any social group (since many of our friends are home for spring and summer). We weren't really invited to do things. I've never felt like that much of an outcast in this school before and it was hard. Part of the problem was that my best friend was and sort of still is Jared (next to Mark and Su anyway) and as much as we have a good time together, he wouldn't think to invite me to anything he's up to because Mark will be there - and he'd never do that to himself by choice.

A week or two ago (I don't remember) they were planning to go camping and I wasn't invited. Not that I really cared to go to that particular trip, but I was planning on camping with J-BO and his friends before leaving Malaysia. It never materialized because that one time, I had to be in school early the next morning and since then have started dating Mark again. I was just feeling really left out. No biggie. (Though I have to admit that I was just a little happy when they had to cancel the trip because of the rain). As long as I have Mark everything's ok, right?

I feel guilty sometimes because I know it's harder to make friends due to the fact that I'm dating Mark. Not that it has to do with Mark himself or anything (unless of course, it's Jared we're taking about) but well, it's just easier to make friends with other single people when you're single. Ideally, I would be able to just let Mark be in charge of the social aspect of things. Like start hanging out with HIS friends. Only he doesn't have very many. His best friend Scott hangs out with us all the time, and it's nice. But he only knew Scott through me. It's funny. We play counter strike in the Hub on weekends with his co-workers from the School of Computing. So I've gotten hooked up with a bunch of computer nerds who are mostly guys with wives waiting for them to go home to them after gaming.

Heheh. I'm not being sarcastic. I really have fun and it's cool, but it's not a social group outside of playing counter strike. I wouldn't classify them as friends. Not yet anyway.

I try to get Su to hang out with us. It's tough though. Su and I work the same job but opposite shifts so she's always busy when I'm not. Also, she feels awkward when she joins us, I'm sure and we can't offer much to her socially. She's been having a hard time. Still dealing with her breakup and I feel bad for rubbing it in her face by forcing her to look at Mark and I together.

But things are picking up. We've made a few more friends now. We have people to call (who willingly join us) if we have something in mind to do - like play Taboo. I haven't touched that game in a while though. Been busy and we spent WAAAAAAAAY too much time doing that before it had gotten old. Plus, when you get to a point where it's no longer a challenge, it just becomes dull.

I can't complain. I would choose to stick with Mark even if it meant that I would have no other friends. He is my best friend and we really have a good time when we're together. At the same time, we don't want to become too wrapped up into each other and lose contact with the outside world (no, that happens closer to midnight during our alone time before saying goodnight).

By the way, I am typing this from the rental computer ON MY DESK!!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my very own computer! Sort of. Mark was so afraid he would never see me again.

I had been on the waitlist since the beginning of the semester and was told that it was about a semester long so this was a nice surprise. I got it last Friday but the internet port wasn't connected yet so basically it was of no use to me and I left it on my floor till Sunday when I hooked it up. The power outlet is a ways away from my computer and the cord barely reaches. I am using 2 power strips both of them are lifed 2 inches from the ground!!! I need an extention cord BADLY. It usually takes 3-5 business days to get the port activated but by some miracle, it was ready to go by MONDAY. Later that night, Mark helped me make my own cat5 network cable. It's really very simple, but somehow I am just really proud of myself. So now, I have my own computer - no need to use my roommates - and I am connected to the internet. This is the most I have used it so far. It may not be worth renting. I don't know. $20 a month including internet. We'll see.

First night of filming was yesterday. One simple scene. Glenn knows that I'm new to this acting stuff so he has been really helpful with guidelines. He gives me alot of encouragement and it's nice but I really wonder, you know. I really am nervous about ruining his movie with my bad acting. I won't know until I see the end result in the Fall. What a wait!

There are so many things I wish I could be good at. Swing dancing is one other thing. Mark and I joined the swing club this term. I've always loved dancing but Mark's not very confident. We both just have a blast dancing together though. We often start dancing in the hallways and such. We look goofy, I'm sure but (here's the best part) I don't care!!!

I missed swing club last week because I was filming. Just experimental stuff so Glenn could test his new camera. Today, we missed it again because I got sucked into watching the last episode of American Idol. I'm glad Fantasia won. (Oops, you Malaysians weren't supposed to find out till 2 weeks from now huh? lol.) She deserved it. But looking back, it wasn't worth missing swing club for. It felt like we were watching commercials with a break for American Idol every once in a while.

After that, we rushed to the nearby theater to catch Shrek 2. Heheh. One word - RANDOM! It was funny. I have to admit that I am somewhat disappointed. There was so much hype but I wasn't blown away like I expected to be. Maybe I was just expecting too much. It was a good laugh but it lacked something. I can't put my finger on it. It could be just me though. I might not have been in the right frame of mind. I don't know.

Hmmm... what else do I need to update on? Oh. Last week, I "discovered" Jared's private blog which I had known about for a while know but didn't have the URL for. Actually, I got him to change his template so that I could see his profile - since I knew his other blog would be listed there too. Don't bother, I helped him remove the link since. Anyhow, Jared didn't try too hard to stop me. I've read most of what he's written now and I am mentioned in every other post. It's interesting to read because I get to see what really was going on and some past events were related from a different point of view.

I also realized that Jared was really hoping or anticipating the possiblity of being able to date me again when I got back as much as he denied it before. I guess I had an inkling but had no idea how serious it was. I seem to have misled him into thinking that it was a possibility too.

He says it's really over now. I hope so. That's what he said before.

I like Jared alot. He's a really neat guy and we get along really well too, but honestly, I have been over him for a long time now. Since before I started this blog. I had Mark to distract me, so I was lucky. The thought of dating Jared again had barely crossed my mind. I did think of the possibility but I had long since lost the desire. With Mark, I didn't let myself entertain the possibility of returning to him but there was certainly plenty of desire.

I hope Jared's honestly over me. It seems like it from what he's written lately. I've been assuming that he has been this whole time and it would be nice if the feelings were truly mutual. I'm tired of hurting him. I feel bad because I can't return his affection (for lack of a better word). I know alot of what he's done for me since I've been back has stemmed from that and I don't want to be using him. There's only so much I can do back.

Still, things are going well between us. We're still great friends. I know I can count on him if I need anything and I hope he knows he can count on me. It's such a comfortable position to be just friends with someone. I feel rather guilty being the only person to enjoy that luxury in our relationship since the breakup. We'll get there. As soon as he hooks up with the next girl, things will change and maybe then we can both let go of our close friendship.

It's been a year. What a long time. Amazing how little and yet how much has changed since then.