Blog Therapy.

I was about to swear off emotional posts for a while because I really don't like the light they portray me in, and while I realize that I can play Dynamite until I go numb or sleep it away and that things will be completely different tomorrow morning, I will lose out on so much self-discovery if I don't take the time to understand what I am feeling and why by blog therapy.

The last thing I need right now is to be afraid to be me. I don't want to have to hide from my feelings so if you don't like reading this kind of thing, DON'T! You'd rather I blog about something else? Tough! This is my blog and I'll do whatever I darn well please with it. *makes a face at you*

Alot and nothing has been going on in my life at the same time and it has been a whirlwind of ups and downs that have happened too fast for my brain to catch up with. In essence, I simply don't know what's going on in my life and how I am really doing. The truth is, I'm not sure I want to know for fear that I might not be doing as well as I'd like to be.

Let's start with today. Today was an interesting day. I didn't sleep all night because I was working on my paper for biopsychology, I took an easy test in conducting class, worked on my paper somemore,and then went to work very, very tired.

Work, however, turned out to be exceptionally good. I must have given one of my best tours ever. Once again, Heavenly Father answered my prayer. I knew I needed a good day at work today and I got one. Everyone in my group was over 50, I'm pretty sure, but they were very fun and kept up with everything - even with 2 people in wheelchairs (and that's usually like a double-whammy-bad-day setup). There were 13 people in my group total. They all got along, they all loved me to pieces. I got tipped a total of $70 today because they refused to take no for an answer. Man today would have been a good day to be dishonest.

It's ok. Like I said, I owe the good day to Heavenly Father anyway.

The highlight of my day was quite unexpected. One of the women on my tour, Patty from Tennessee decided to sit out of the IMAX movie because she had a drink she couldn't bring in. I was exhausted, I had a musubi in my pocket I was scheduling to eat that and maybe an ice-cream before taking a nap during that 45 minute break. At times like these, any guide would naturally think "Oh great - what now?" I did that too, but my conscience got the better of me and I sat down with her to keep her company anyway.

Well, the 45 minutes flew by so quickly as she told me about her life. It started when I asked her how she met her husband. I found out about how they met in college - love at first sight - and how they only had $60 between them when they first got married and that they lived in a trailer. I learned of her divorced daughter (and her 13 year old daughter and 12 year old son) and her musician son who had a 3-year-old with Autism. I found out that she had been involved in nursery at her church (I believe they were Methodist, because she told me she went to a methodist college)and how she had a child with Autism in her nursery then which helped her recognize that there was something amiss in her grandson. I heard of how she helped her husband through architectural school, how he got drafted into the war, how they met the friends they were travelling with 35 years ago, when their daughter was 1. How they finally became neighbors. She told me about being the maid of honor for her daughter in law when their son remarried. I know that she was a music major in college and met her husband through choir. I also know that she can't sing anymore because of surgery - like Julie Andrews. I heard of how her son became a very popular guitarist at age 15 and would give out chewed guitar picks to the girls. She told me that her marriage had been mostly smooth - her husband made it easy, she said.

When I asked her what the highlight of her life was, she couldn't decide. She mentioned many things, like the birth of her children, her grandchildren, but what struck me was that she mentioned had him. Larry, her husband. There were problems, she said, but as long as he was there, they were easy.

She told me how he had said to her that he had said to her on this vacation "You know, I love going on vacation with you - you're so much fun!" They've been married 45 years. Her advice to me was just to always have fun and laugh a lot with my companion.

*sigh*

That 45 minutes was not long enough. I know it sounds like she talked alot. She did, but I did too. We found that we had alot in common and I could relate to stories about her children with my sibblings and I. It was strange. It was just like we were old friends.

That conversation left me in such awe and wonder. I told her it was interesting to learn about how her life turned out because I don't see that far ahead. I wonder which friends I'll keep till then. Where I'll live, what I'll be doing, and it was a comfort to know that things could work out so wonderfully well, even after a gazillion problems and challenges. I just needed to know, today, that much joy lies ahead.

Oh I had a great day at work.

I left work all high and happy but something happened when I left. I don't know what exactly or when. Maybe my tiredness caught up with me. I had helped Glen film his movie again today. He actually let film one small part today. Wow. I went to Hale 4 where Richie was working today because he had asked me to visit him if I had time earlier today.

Well, I went and visited him and made small-talk with him while I was there really not knowing what I was doing there. When it was time for the girls to leave, I still hadn't really talked to Richie but I was ready to say goodnight to him and go home. Only he asked if I could wait a little longer. He wanted to "cruise". Sure. I told him I'd come back at midnight.

I went home with this strange sinking feeling inside me. I don't know how, when, or why I but I remember realizing sometime today that something's missing. I've been feeling empty and aimless. Not a state I enjoy being in. I really wasn't anxious to go back out to see Richie, for some reason I didn't anticipate something good.

Back tracking just a little bit, I need to say that the emptiness is very much legitimate. Over a week ago and again yesterday, I sort of re-broke-up with Jared. *sigh* I hadn't meant to blog about it, but I think I might need to. Get it out. Tell someone. How about everyone?

I've always suspected that Jared wasn't as over me as he claimed. I would ask sometimes, but he'd lie about it. I didn't want to push the issue because I preffered playing ignorant and wanted to believe that if I ignored it, it wouldn't exist.

Everytime I am single, Jared goes through this "Hmmm, maybe now I can date Fei again" phase. It happened after Mark left. I have to say that I relied on him alot for a friend and we hung out alot. JD, in true RM style, pointed our "non-relationship" and said that it was kind of unfair of me to be keeping him around like that. Unknown to me then, he also warned Jared about it and gave him the advice of locking his heart, just like a missionary, to prevent himself from getting hurt. Jared then wrote this wonderful blog about being free from me. I couldn't be more pleased.

Almost immediately after that, Anna and Jared started dating. Quietly at first. I saw less and less of him and figured it was the whole locking his heart thing but finally realized that there was more to it. It was hard for me in a way, because of how heavily I relied on him for a friend, and learning to deal with being put in second place, but I wasn't about to complain. As much as I strongly disapproved of the two of them dating, (no offense to Anna, because I think she can be a wonderful person, but they are simply not compatible and it was doomed from the start), at that point, I would have rejoiced if he told me he was gay and found his life-partner if it meant that I would no longer have to worry about him carrying over his past feelings for me.

Still, losing a best friend to a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is hard on anyone. I didn't want it to be a problem and miraculously managed to distract myself with Richie. I was ok. *sigh* I wish I didn't hop from one male to another like that.

Richie. That's another story. We'll get back to that in a minute - or 45.

Well, the Anna relationship was short-lived, like we all foresaw. I became his friend again then. (This was very recent, actually) We would hang out alot and stay up talking at night. Back to the non-relationship.

I saw the warning signs of him getting too attatched to me, and little hints that he and I did not see our relationship the same way. I remember the one night we stayed up talking on the bench in the McKay Hallway (oh boy the DTRs I've had there) telling him to stop doing so much for me because I didn't know what to do back and he made me feel obligated to do something big that I couldn't give. I pointed out that if I had asked him to bend backwards for me that he would've and I didn't like that. To emphasize my point, I tried using the exaggerated example of an obsessed guy doing everything and anytning for a girl he liked without wanting anything in return except to be in her presence. Kind of stalkerish, kind of scary. I didn't know how close to reality that was.

Until he chose to confess his feelings to me over Yahoo the next night. It wasn't a shock, but it wasn't welcome news either. I cried. I didn't react quite optimally, I have to admit, but the confession came at a point where I was already thinking about saying something to stop it from happening. I was thinking about seeing him less if neccessary, just like Mark and I had agreed to cut communication during the weekdays so we could get over each other, leaving the weekends so we didn't sink into utter despair.

Well, I wasn't sure what to do and I basically avoided him for the next week. I was busy anyway, it wasn't too hard. I hadn't planned to start right then. I needed some time to adjust to the idea of losing a friend and the longer I didn't talk to him the more I didn't want to talk about it again so I simply didn't return his calls or his emails until he made an assumption of his own: that he had scared me away.

I figured it was a good way to start not talking. I knew I had to break it off because he would drag me down. I don't talk to Matt anymore because Matt is still in love with me. The same rule should apply to Jared.

I finally explained to him what was going on yesterday so now this is our decision. I have to say that I really don't appreciate how this whole thing is being dramatized. You should have heard the way he said "Goodbye" to me yesterday after our conversation.

Ok, I don't know what this is getting to but this is where it's at. I sat with him today at dinner. I don't know why. I've done alot of things without knowing why lately and my life is in a muddle.

Last week I was very conflicted about why I don't want to date Jared again. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid of being hurt again? Am I just being picky? Jared and I get along so well and yes, we could make it work, but I've long since lost the vision of being married to him. Maybe I've gotten too used to the idea of finding that other special someone. I don't know why, I just long for a fresh start. I want the butterflies, the excitement. I want to fall in love with a NEW guy. I don't know what it's like to be friends first then fall in love. I think that's the problem. Really. I prefer love at first sight, or at least I want my future spouse to immediately recognize what a wonderful person I am.

I talked to Richie about it a little bit because I didn't know who else to turn to. He reminded me that I was entitled to be attracted to whomever I was attracted to. And for whatever reason I am not interested in dating Jared again, the fact is that I am not. Just leave it at that and act accordingly.

Ok. Now, back to Richie. He had something he wanted to talk about today. I was not thrilled to be asked to go back out there because I've been anxious to put this crush thing behind me but it's not been easy. I keep getting what I think are mixed signals and I want to be able to "be cool" with him and just be friends but I still too emotionally attactched that I interpret everything the wrong way and allow myself to be vunerable and easily hurt.

Well, I think the reason we "cruised" today was so he could apologize to me. He apologized for leading me on when we first met. Just trying to be nice, he said. I made him uncomfortable or something. He just wants me to be careful. Doesn't want to see me get hurt by some guy. I let myself fall in love too fast. (gee, look who's talking?)

He keeps trying to pull this protective older brother crap on me. I HATE THAT. Stop trying to protect me and just freaking let me live my life!!! I know it's just me, but what I get when people tell me to be careful is that I am not mature enough to know what is good for me and that I am accident prone and need alot of protection and repeated warnings against foolishness because I am very foolish.

He seriously seems to think that I have bad taste in men or something. My track record is pretty good. It's not like I fling myself at every single guy available. I think I'm very picky about the people I like. Except for Joel. He was just for fun. That was pretty immature, I'll admit. But ONCE. Come on....

Ok. I'm just emotional now. But that's kind of how I was today on the bench Richie and I were sitting on, only I had to suppress it until I could figure out what I felt and thought. I think I was angry and hurt. I don't even want to know why and I apologize, Richie, for not telling you then, but only reacting to it now.

I don't know. I just need to get this all out. That's all that needs to be accomplished here. I can't even be bothered with sounding mature at this point. I just need to let myself feel tonight. Angry, frustrated, lonely, tired. Whatever.

I guess all the stress from homework isn't helping either.

I noticed yesterday that I was starting to feel loneliness creep in. It felt like I was reverting back to the time Mark had just left when I could feel his presence everywhere. I missed having him around so much that everything I did, I had a memory of him doing it with me. Yesterday kind of felt like that. I'm not sure if it was Mark I missed specifically or just having someone there. I just felt lonely. Haven't felt like that for a long time. I'm afriad that in the absence of a potential relationship, has left me regressing back to Mark again. My heart just wants so badly to love someone. I'm so tired of having to stop myself.

Talking to Patty today gave me hope for such a beautiful future full of love shared with a special someone, but at the same time, it reminded me of what I am missing out on. I am so impatient. I want everything NOW.

I'm sorry for raniting. I just see that something is wrong in my life tonight and I want it fixed. I haven't fixed anything by blogging about it, but it helped me cry and let it out. Now I feel better. Sort-of.

On a side note, I'm worried about Fall Ball for some stupid reason. I've never had to worry about being asked before. Fall Ball 2002 I was asked by 3 guys - one of which was the guy I broke up with. Went with a guy I was just getting to know but then decided that I didn't like that much. Winter Ball 2003 I was dating Jared. We were going to go and I had bought a dress and all that but then he felt prompted that we shouldn't go. We didn't but ended up having a good time anyway. Spring 03, Sadie Hawkins. I asked Shem. It was fun. Fall and Winter 04 I was home. No balls. Spring 04, Sadie Hawkins again. I went with Mark, of course. Wasn't a fancy dance, but it was a BLAST.

Then this year, when they had the smaller fall social "Serendipity", I didn't get asked. Su and many of my other friends went. People didn't know I was single or something. That was sucky. And now who's up for round two?

Girls don't get asked ALL the time. It's an experience I need to have without complaining about. Time to grow up. Welcome to the real world where not everyone gets to go to the ball. I know who I want to ask me. I also know that there is absolutely no way that's going to happen. Probably a good thing too. Imagine if it did. Oh my poor, delusional heart would like it too much.

I think what I'm more disappointed about isn't that I don't think anyone will ask me, it's that I can't think of anyone else I would be delighted to go with. That's kind of sad.

Su's going to go to this ball again. Probably without me- again. Small deal, but some stupid part of my brain links this to December when I got grounded from college and Su didn't.

Forget it. It's ok. Ice-cream and chick flicks in a pity party with Rachael and whoever else will be fun. Or at least comforting.

Time to sleep. I think I've ranted enough for one night. I hope I wasn't coherent enough for you to understand the immaturity of all that I had just blogged about.