A not-so-happy girl in the spotlight.

Ever watch movies about families? The ones with the Dad who's really busy and makes work a priority, always making promises he doesn't keep with his children. Then there's the little boy who looked out for Dad the entire baseball game and Dad doesn't show up, so he goes home dejected?

We've all seen them.

Well, that's kind of how I feel tonight, like that little boy.

I was spoiled growing up. Dad never missed a single thing that mattered. He was there to take pictures and video of my kindergarten concert when I was 6 (the day my mom gave birth to Han), I remember him surprising me by showing up at my story-telling competition when I was 11, and even my cheerleading routine for sports day when I was 16. I always had a cheer squad behind me no matter what I did. My family had an awesome way of making us feeling special.

I feel so stupid blogging about this.

Today was an awesome day. Stayed up all night playing Inspector Parker, filmed cheesy commercials for SIFE, slept till dinner and then performed our swing dance routine for culture night.

What's so sad then?

That I now have nothing to show for whatsoever. It kind of feels like I had danced in the dark. It's not performing when you don't have an audience.

I couldn't find Tyler, my dance partner, afterwards to take pictures. So I'm kind of disappointed about that. We did some cool moves. Most of my friends weren't interested in going to culture night ("Uh. Well, I meant to go" or "I sort of went" or "Oh, no. Why, did you dance?")

We had a camera person, Kelsey, to film the performance. I was really happy about that, but then I realized that it was Heather's camera. Kelsey sat on the corner where Heather was dancing and I was way on the other side. Oh well... no biggie, my friend Scott has a camera too - maybe he can film me. I tried to contact Scott who has a video camera but didn't get him in time. Crap!

Then, I ran into him afterwards and got so excited to find out that he had filmed the performanced but when he said that he didn't realize that I was dancing until towards the end, I was really crushed.

I was still ok until I watched what he had filmed - my pigtails appear in the corner for like half a second and most of it was of HEATHER! I love Heather, she's great, but she had her OWN camera. She didn't need more videos of herself! ARGHHH!

Scott felt really bad, and I feel terrible for not being able to pretend that it was fine. He apologized over and over. He got Su dancing in Hip-Hop club but didn't get her cool flip-stunt thingy. I'm mad about that too. Not his fault though, he didn't know when and it's a bonus that he got anything at all.

I need my own camera. And a photographer.

This is such a small deal. I'm disappointed that I can't see how I did, or have anything to remember it by, or that half my friends weren't there to see my performance, but really, I'm angry at myself for being so upset about it that I'm crying.

Stupid, stupid, immature, shallow - stupid. Aren't I supposed to outgrow these desires?

SO WHAT if no one saw, I danced and had fun and that's what matters most, right? At least I got to dance. Su's partner got appendecitis, Melanie's partner Ian didn't show up, a whole bunch of girls couldn't FIND partners. And here I am complaining that I didn't have friends to put the spotlight on me.

It doesn't happen very often, obviously. Like I said, I'm very spoiled. I'm used to getting attention. I guess I don't deal well without it.

After Culture night, everyone was gathering planning to go somewhere to do something. They were just chilling, but I had it in my head to go find Richie, since he was working all day and I hadn't stopped by there yet. So I left my friends, planning to invite Richie to come chill with us at a designated meeting spot. I went over there in the rain, saw the disappointing video, caught a glimpse of Richie, waited, cried, tried not to cry, cried some more, felt like an idiot, waited, and then decided to leave.

Friends weren't there. I didn't expect them to be since it was raining, so now I'm home and blogging.

No phone calls from anyone.

I'm in a pathetic mood, and I apologize for it. It's stupid to feel like this, and I'm trying not to, but I'm still crying. Maybe there's something more to this and I'm just using this as an outlet to be upset and to cry. I hope so. It's better than crying over not being noticed. That has no long-term consequence whatsoever.

I'd like to blog some more, but I better stop before I make myself sound any more pathetic. Brand new day tomorrow!