The Same Page.

I thought the last personality test I took (see results below) to be a rather well written test. If the answers were a little obvious, I felt that the questions addressed important aspects of the relationship and if you were willing to put some honest thought into the answers, you could learn a lot about where you stand in your relationship.

There was one question that I was particularly hesitant in answering.

22. Would you say that you and your significant other have each other's backs, that you are a unified front against the rest of the world, that no matter what you can depend on them to be on your side?

We have each other's backs, and fronts, and bottoms, and tops, too!!
Yes, I can honestly say that my significant other would stand by me through thick and thin.
I know they would as long as they agreed with me or felt I was in the right.
Well, as long as it isn't too inconvenient….

My hesitance troubled me. Where I usually feel confident that I am familiar with and understand Matthew's personality and how it complements mine in our relationship, this time, I wasn't sure. I wanted to answer that my significant other would stand by me through thick and thin no matter what, but it wouldn't have been honest. I just didn't know that for sure. Instead, I put that I knew he'd be on my side as long as he agreed with me or felt I was in the right. At least I know that much.

In Spanglish, a movie that we both love, there is a scene in which the son goes up to the father and asks, "Are you as mad at me as Mom about what happened?"

Gently and reassuringly, Adam Sandler shakes his head. "No."

"Are you mad?"

Pause. "No."

His wife, of course, is furious when she hears this. "We need to be on the same page, John, the same page!!!!" She then goes on to say something about how she's read many books on parenting. "You see," points to him "Good guy," points to herself "Bad guy."

My love for this movie is largely due to the reality of the situations and the empathy which the writer displays for his characters. There was this conflict for me, while watching the movie, in trying to decide who the "bad guy" was, for there was no obvious evil person. The mother came the closest. It wasn't that she was evil, but that she was the source of conflict within the family. Although well intentioned, everything she did just came out wrong. She simply wasn't being what the relationship needed; what the family needed.

Unity and harmony is the ultimate goal of every marriage, but two people will never be completely aligned in everything. What happens then? In a conflict involving a third party, should you remain fiercely loyal to your spouse and fulfil his/her emotional need with presence and unwavering support- even if they are in the wrong? Or does the obligation to truth and what is right take precedence? Which is the greater good? Where should your allegiance lie?

I think I recall hearing once or twice in a fireside setting, that a man's obligation was first, to his wife, then to his children, and then to the Church. Is that true? If so, what does that imply?

D&C 42:22 reads, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else."

President Spencer W. Kimball explained:

"The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse" (The Miracle of Forgiveness [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969], p.250).

I can't help but think of the early apostle Thomas B. Marsh and the disagreement involving the Church, his wife and some milk and cream. The desperate need to defend his wife's character caused him to leave the church. They returned, eventually, but at a great cost. What was he supposed to do?

I think it is from my parents that I have learned the importance of loyalty and support. They tried hard to be on the same page. Even if I felt, at times, that one parent was over-reacting, and would look to the other for mercy, they would always stand firm in support. Only on few occasions did the other parent step in. That led to a great deal of my frustration during the huge crisis nearly a year and a half ago now, when I was grounded - on a sudden whim, it felt like - from college, just a couple of days before I was to leave. I felt that incredibly unfair. You can't both be serious, I thought. I'd plead with Mom, but she wouldn't budge either. I remember feeling betrayed. Aren't you the merciful one, Mom? How could you agree to such brutality?

I remember feeling overwhelmed, like the whole world was against me without a person on my side. Mom and Dad both agreed that I needed to stay home. I now understand why, but it was hard then. Almost mean.

What Mom and Dad didn't agree on, however, was whether or not I should still work for Dad while I was home. Mom took the role of advocate for me when I most needed it, but in the end, she would support Dad's decision. If not, I would have been the cause of much discord in their marriage. The only consolation I could get was that she empathized. But she still wasn't on my side. I don't think I'd ever felt more alone than I did then.

Strangely timed was the big drama of my parents' separation and near-divorce. Imagine how nice it was for me to have Mom detach herself from Dad, no longer needing to be on the same page. Then, it was alright to disagree, to disapprove. We became allies. I was her support and she was mine. Together, we would comiserate the harshness of a stern father and husband.

My parents worked things out between them and I am back in college. I imagine they are back to being "one flesh". Or at least trying to be. I remember when I was younger, my mother told me of how other families were different. How some mothers even complained to their children about their father. Weird. I did not understand that at all. I saw the functionality of my parents' decision to be one body, united at the front.

Because it is what I am familiar with, it has become what I expect. I wonder what my relationship would be like. Would Matthew be able to promise such security? Is that even really what is best and what I want?

I do know that I would feel betrayed if my husband, whom I'd consider my strongest ally, turned against me in a situation when I involved him hoping to get his support. Would I eventually appreciate the humbling experience of being put in my place by the person who knows me best- strenghts and weaknesses, or would the hurt affect our relationship in the long run?

Perfectly timed, Matthew came online just as I was pondering that question. We got to talk about it a little so I now have an idea of how he would react and what to expect. Our discussion was purely hypothetical though, we don't know how things will pan out yet, but I am confident that whatever differences we bring can be worked out through communication.

Do I dare expect, even demand such support from a spouse? Can I offer that same loyalty? I find myself constantly defending people. I think I have the capacity to be fiercely loyal, until it comes in conflict with an ethic or moral I hold central to my existence. But on the petty little things, I think I can promise to defend my spouse's cause and if I disagree, it can be dealt with privately. I'm sure there will be plenty of tongue-biting involved and many long talks afterwards. I just wonder: is it right?

What if one of us isn't being what the family or the relationship needs? What happens if we grow apart and are no longer on the same page - or even the same book? Do the same rules of loyalty apply? What happens if it comes into conflict with your religion? I imagine that when the situation involves harming somebody else, lines are crossed and your loyalty to, say, your chilren will take priority. The hard part is deciding where that line is. When does your relationship take priority above everything else? What are the exceptions?

Loyalty is a tricky issue. I suppose citizens are faced with the same dilemma. Do you go to war, even if you don't agree with the cause of your nation? I suppose it is different with everyone. A personal decision.

I don't yet know how best to balance devotion to your spouse with duty to conscience and truth, I just know that it's important that I find out where I stand on this so that I can be sure, at least on this matter, that my spouse and I are on the same page.