Delving deep down into the past.

Found this on my flash drive. Thought maybe some of you just might like to read it. It's long. You don't have to, I will have to forgive you eventually....

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Faye: Hey =)
Jared: hi
Faye: Still awake I see
Jared: no… i should be asleep but i cant deny you
Faye: That means I can say anything I want and you won't remember? Cool
Jared: actually, i was replying to your email
Jared: wont remember what? oh, that? ya, it will stick with me.

(…some incoherent nonsense – we were doodling, I think…)

Jared: whats the deal with your cam? it keeps comming off all the time
Faye: I keep trying to type while the thing is on "disconnect"
Jared: that logs the cam off? oh, thanks!
Faye: For what?
Jared: disconnecting me. Is that some hint?
Faye: No. I did it by accident you lolo. What were you doing?
Jared: replying to your email
Faye: It was a short one (I wrote him a SHORT email?!)
Jared: it is so long, and i wont send it till we are done here.
Faye: It wasn't a "write me back" EMAIL
Jared: I know, but i went off.

(More doodling nonsense “Hey nice drawing” “Thanks. But the fork…” “Yeah That needs some work…”

Jared: it's a super long email
Faye: I like long things – uh,,, I mean emails
Jared: dont read it infront of your roomate.
Faye: ok. The joke o the day was hilarious! (heck if I remember what it was!)
Jared: thanks. true, huh?
Faye: well no, but funny
Jared: i dont know, we in america have it all figured out...
Faye: Like why Mexicans don't have barbeques?
Jared: the beans fall thru the grill?
Faye: yep
Jared: hey, i'm good...
Faye: I told you that one before
Jared: why dont mexico have a good olympic team? and no, ive heard it before...i live in arizona, remember!
Faye: Because all the Mexicans who can run jump and swim are already across the border. I know
Jared: uh, no. because of malnutrition...duh!
Faye: Funny
Jared: thanks?
Faye: Welcome? So, did you take the test? (personality test www.match.com)
Jared: yes. i didnt take the test yet. i mean yes. i didnt read the results yet.
Faye: Oh, why not?
Jared: nice hair
Faye: Sheez
Jared: been busy
Faye: Oh I give up
Jared: you ruined you hair. just cant get ir right huh? it's getting late and i do have to wake up early. I have to go to my lonely cozy waterbed and pretend that someone is sharing it with me now...*sigh*
Faye: Poor baby. At least you have Buska (his cat)
Jared: when we log off, i will send my email
Faye: You mean when YOU log off
Jared: and no, buska cant even be there. since mike is so alergic, we have to keep them out while he is here. (Brother in Law)
Faye: oh
Jared: mike is laceys husband
Faye: Yeah, gotcha
Jared: this sucks!
Faye: what does?
Jared: ever want to start things over? like life?
Faye: No
Jared: oh, thats good. i do
Faye: It took so long to get here. I'm not going through Chinese school AGAIN
Jared: maybe not that exact same life.
Faye: I'd like to change some things. Ok, well, a lot but I like where I am
Jared: me too
Faye: or where I'm going anyway.
Jared: where are you going?
Faye: To be married.

(Man, I almost remember actually BELIEVING that)

Jared: soon? to whom? when?
Faye: No. But I like who I am. There are some major flaws I need to fix but I'm on my way to becoming exactly what I'd like to be
Jared: I like your personality too. its a keeper (big compliment. Will be a while till I get one worth that much again)
Faye: Thank you.
Jared: i think you can get there
Faye: It'll take a long time but I am happy with my progress.

(Yeah Faye, you took like 999 steps backwards. What progress?! A long time, you say?!)

Jared: i get long winded and preachy on what i feel like you need to do to get there. i hate that i am sending this but i feel like its stuff you need someone to tell you
Faye: It's ok. Today is a new day from yesterday (what kind of English is that?) I feel like I have a brand new life. (I really did. What happened to that I wonder) Talk to me in a few more days and make sure I still say the same thing
Jared: good. why does it have to be me *sigh*
Faye: Why DOES it have to be you?
Jared: i hope i wont even have to, it'll be that good. to answer your question about the why me...because who else knows what i know that has a gospel perspective? who else do you have in a situation. just me .
Faye: What do you mean?
Jared: a simialr situation, who knows all of this about you and is as close to you as i am? besides matt!
Faye: No one. But I have my parents. It's not your responsibility, Jared.
Jared: i know
Faye: He's the problem. He doesn't count (I think we’re referring to Matt)
Jared: but it affects me
Faye: It shouldn't
Jared: you know that he's the problem?
Faye: Of course I know that he's the problem. I’ve always known.
Jared: yet you sure don’t cut your ties with him! why?
Faye: That's the problem
Jared: i deal with that in my email a lot

(The email got cleared in my inbox. *sigh* It’s just as well. Now I can’t dig up too much more of the past)

Faye: that it's a really hard thing to do and I'm not trying hard enough.
Jared: ya! i agree. why not?
Faye: I'm sorry you're frustrated. Feel like I should have kept the thing retracted.
Jared: its ok. i was already thinking it anyway
Faye: Look, it’s not your problem anymore I appreciate your concern
Jared: look, i love you. and that makes your problems matter alot to me
Faye: but if it's bringing you down like that
Jared: should it? no, but it does, because i do.
Faye: You can't.
Jared: if i am getting annoying, just let me know
Faye: Oh, I do.
Jared: i think i am starting to bug you (I think he’s STILL afraid that he’s bugging me. It’s cool now, he did start to bug me towards the end. We stopped talking big time then.)
Faye: No, you're starting to worry me
Jared: how?
Faye: That my problem is such a big problem to you. My parents being worried, I understand but you should be free of my burdens and my mistakes should only affect me.
Jared: maybe its since i have no life of my own to worry about.
Faye: Probably. Argh!!! Flying cockroach! (Don’t you just love the dorms?)
Jared: Fei, dont be naïve (he spelled it nieve but I just had to correct it. I might just go back put in the caps too), you cant really think that your mistakes will only affect you. it doesn’t happen like that.
Faye: I know
Faye: It's just unfair
Jared: i agree. it is. but that is the way it is
Faye: What would it change though, if I fix my problems for you?
Jared: i could stop worrying about you, maybe.
Faye: It would change alot for me, that's for sure.
Jared: i admit, i do love you. i shouldnt, maybe, but i do. (Ouch.) for that reason, you matter to me. it's that simple
Faye: You can stop worrying. Jared, I'm not really that stupid - I know what I need to do. Some days, doing it is easier than others. (Yeah, the stupid part is that you don’t do it girl!) But I'm on the right track.

(Oh really?)

Jared: i know you are smart. but i see things that worry me. (I don’t know what exactly they were at that point, but there’s always something to worry for Faye about – I switched those words around a few times. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PHRASE IT BETTER)
Faye: Well, I think you love me for the wrong reasons then. Someone better deserves that love. That's why we broke up. My problem isn't yours anymore.
Jared: yes, i know. i'll say it. I dont want to love you anymore. I wish i could rid myself of it. (Double OUCH) I would be easier. but it's not that way. i know why matt cant let go of you. but i will be stronger than him. I want you to marry. I do. And not me. someone better. i want whats best for you, and that isnt me now.
Faye: Oh, don't say that. What's best for me now is to be on my own to figure things out. (Man, I must have been so numb I actually stayed calm! I think I cried though or I wouldn’t have saved this)
Jared: ya, i mean in the long run
Faye: I can't get back into another relationship until I really feel like I deserve one. (Oh just watch, I started dating Mark a month after that?) I don't know if you aren't. But it doesn't matter.
Jared: ya it does. it determines the roll i will play
Faye: role.
Jared: ya, i was about to fix it, but i knew you would (loL! I actually fixed it and then saw that my past self already corrected his mistake. I’ve stopped doing that since I started talking to Mark. Just too many. And some people take it more personal than others)
Faye: No it doesn't. How does it determine the role you'll play?
Jared: if i'm still it, the one, i need to be around when your ready and i dont think i will be
Faye: You don't get it, do you. Once you've broken up, that's it. Your lives are separate. And one really doesn't play a role in the other except in shaping the person they've become. I don’t know.

(I look back on relationships and talk about exs a lot, but I really don’t wait around to get back with them. It’s my thing where I figure if I don’t hope, I won’t get disappointed. So, when I broke up, I figured, that was it. No hoping to get back with Jared. Which would explain why I jumped right in with Mark - little knowing how crushed Jared would be after. I thought he had accepted that too.)

Jared: or if i am there, i wont be there emotionally for that. this is the first time i have felt this way about anyone. i dont want to lose it but i have to and i really dont know how to act with these feeling or what do do about it
Faye: I know how you feel, believe it or not.
Jared: i always thought that once i felt this way, all i had to do was ask her to marry me and it would be all Osmond from there. well, it isnt that way. so i am confused and dazed a bit. im an emotional deer in headlights.
Faye: Well, do something about it before you get hit
Jared: i dont know when it will be too late, or if it is.
Faye: It's not too late
Jared: we'll see
Faye: I'm beginning to not see you in my future. I guess that's a good thing. I definitely don't see Matt anymore. And that's a HUGE step
Jared: i like to tell myself that i will feel not only this way, but better, happier, more in love. but i wonder.
Faye: You will defnitely be happier
Jared: i dont see you in my future anymore and that is what hurts the most (it sure does, doesn’t it)
Faye: So? What are you sticking around for? It's not that you can't let go, it's that you're afraid to: because you don't know if it can happen again.

(Wait a minute – wasn’t I the clingy one?!)

Jared: the one person i can say i have and do love, and i cant even see her in my future. And I'm not hopeless?
Faye: If you can't then it's time to end it.
Jared: i know and where does that leave you?
Faye: Doesn't change a thing for me (Bull s***!!!)
Jared: you have to lose two guys at once, matt and me.
Faye: I think that's how it had to happen.
Jared: i dont want to leave you alone
Faye: I don't want you to either but, I think it's ok.
Jared: but i will, if i have to. do I?
Faye: Be a little selfish for once.
Jared: but thats not what i want! i want you!the you i thought i was getting! (Ooooh STAB at me will you?!)
Faye: She doesn't exist
Jared: the you that isn’t there (Oh do that again will you!)it is there, just deep and needs some polishing
Faye: Jared, you're not in love with me. You're in love with being in love.

(So am I, but I still think that I was in that relationship for mostly the right reasons. Hadn’t happened before nor do I think it has happened since.)

Jared: i dont know. i suck at this love thing. I never have been good at relationships. how will i ever have a good one? ugh.
Faye: You will. I see it happening you deserve nothing less than the best (and Su is in Hawaii now!)
Jared: well the way things have gone so far, i wonder (loL! You would still hold to that wouldn’t you?)
Faye: And until I become worth loving, I don't deserve the best
Jared: you are worth loving, but not ready to be loved
Faye: Thank you. Hebrews 10:36 "For ye have need of patience that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise"
Jared: good thought for the day. i get tired of waiting how much longer aleady!? my bro in law was married 6 mo after his mission. i'm jealous
Faye: I'm glad you didn’t. Verse 35 “Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward
Jared: confidence in me or God?
Faye: A little bit of both. (how about A LOT of both?)
Jared: i have no confidnece in me anymore. its all a show
Faye: Jared - that's not a compliment to me to say that
Jared: that wasnt the angle i was going for
Faye: =) (*sigh* Those smileys. Haven’t used them in forever)
Jared: i got lucky with you, i did. (Not the only yo.) lightning dont strike twice... (didn’t you watch “Sweet Home Alabama” with me?)
Faye: I think it's more than luck Heh. Seen "Sweet Home Alabama"? (Hey, I really haven’t changed much! loL! I don’t think that was that great of a movie. Just perfect for context)
Jared: i really think that we were supposed to meet.
Faye: me too
Jared: i also think that we were supposed to married
Faye: I don't know about that. I refuse to think it because it just confuses me even more.

(I refuse to think period. I hurt myself either way. Less energy not to)

Jared: but i also think that it went wrong, and now we have to move on
Faye: that just bites
Jared: i know
Faye: And I'm going to be kicking myself for all that I could've had. Actually, I already am. Have been.
Jared: i think i'm in the dumps because i think i finally found the one, and when i did, it STILL couldn’t work. (you think you’re the only one?)
Faye: I was never "the one" You shouldn't believe that (I gave up believing in “The One” that would mean all I’ve dated were the WRONG ones.)
Jared: i do
Faye: And there's not only a one. I could've been
Jared: but there are other "the ones" around. I do belive that too
Faye: You are one.
Jared: but ya, you were one of them, i think that
Faye: were, could be; bottom line is: am not.
Jared: it sucks that i got to meet one, and now have to move on.
Faye: Well, maybe you need to turn it around. It should give you hope that maybe it can happen again.
Jared: ya hope of another 23 years to pass before i meet her! i cant wait anymore and not for that (referring to sex, I’ll assume), the relationship part.
Faye: You just need to go to bed (Ouch! I hated it when Matt did that to me! I think you need a new day to start and you'll be in a different frame of mind
Jared: maybe. im all emotional now
Faye: You are.*hug* You need one bad
Jared: your going to hate me after you read the email
Faye: Hate you?
Jared: ya
Faye: Couldn't ever. (Did for a while but not just because of one email, and only out of bitterness)
Jared: you'll see. thanks for the hug. i feel like i really need a big hug right now
Faye: I've skimmed through it. Seeping with frustration. (who, him or me??)
Jared: that was fast
Faye: SKIMMED. I need to read it again or actually read it
Jared: i thought about not sending it till we were done here but i gave up holding it in
Faye: It's ok
Jared: i think that i just needed to vent
Faye: I'm glad you sent it
Jared: i have no one to vent on, or to. it's you that gets it all (do I still? I don’t mind it at all you know)
Faye: Glad I could be here for that I guess
Jared: I'm going to leave you with my email now
Faye: I'd like to hear your side of the story every once in a while
Jared: it says the rest for me.
Faye: ok
Jared: bye...
Faye: Jared – wait – before you go
Jared: what?
Faye: Don't make it your problem. You forget I worry for you too and your problem is mine.
Jared: too late for that. i love you (don’t you hate it when it hurts to hear it or say it?)
Faye: as do I. Now go.
Jared: love you?
Faye: =) Yes, I do love you
Jared: bye
Faye: bye.

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Hope he doesn’t strangle me for publishing this. I don’t know why I did. But sometimes it’s nice to share memories. I love reading old emails and conversations. It’s better than searching for a sad sad movie to watch so I can cry some. There’s only so many time you can watch Moulin Rouge till your tear glands run dry to that movie.

The saddest part of this story is that there hasn’t been a happy ending yet. And we’ve moved on to a lot of other things, but we’re still dealing with the exact same issues.

His issue is finding someone. And mine, getting myself ready so I don’t miss the next chance.

Life can be full of regrets. However, if I let that weigh me down, I’ll never get on to the next phase. Of course I wish our story ended with a marriage. But it didn’t happen so we learn to let it go. Not all is lost. Somewhere in time there’s still a happy ending waiting for us. For me. For Jared. For Mark. For you. The only difference is that our story has now become separate. They intertwined for a while and it was great while it lasted.

Now we just have to go on and complete our own little movies and make the best of the film we have left.