My "perfect" family

Insight on my family life

Mom and Dad had an argument about what day Family Home Evening should be at lunch today.

They haven’t been doing so well these past couple of days. Like I said, Dad has been on a power trip lately. It emerged again today. Yesterday, he yelled back and mom and told her to be nice. In some ways, she did deserve that. Mom loves to nag and says things in a nastier tone – often when talking to Dad too. My sister and I picked that up when we were little and talking to him that way was what drove him over the edge and got us into big trouble – when we would try to tell him what to do and complain about his way of doing things. We’re Asian. My Dad LOVES to talk about how we Asians should respect our elders unlike those insolent Americans. (Not my opinion! I swear! I’m just quoting. For some reason, I always take those type of comments personally)

Dad was trying to fix the light in our living area and had taken the florescent tube from my brothers room.

“Why are you taking that?!”
“I’m fixing the light”
“But that means the boys won’t have a light!!!”
“I’M JUST TESTING IT! TO SEE IF IT’S JUST THE STARTER BROKEN. YOU THINK I’M STUPID?!”
Muttering “You could’ve just changed the starter.”

Dad went on lecturing about mom not being able to talk nicely… blah blah blah… as he fixed the light. Mom just kept quiet after that.

*Sigh* I don’t usually side with Dad anymore. But mom did deserve that one. She focuses a lot on the negative when she forgets to try. She just likes to pick on people’s faults. I love her to death – but it is one of her weaknesses. She is only human. I think she took that the right way. Good for her.

Dad could’ve responded differently though, and not embarrass her in front of her children. I don’t want my brothers to learn to treat their wife that way.

Then today, Dad talked about going to meet a friend for business this evening.

“But it’s Sunday! Don’t do business on Sunday!” (I would’ve said the exact same thing to him in the same tone)
“YEAH I KNOW. YOU THINK I WOULDN’T DO IT ON ANOTHER DAY IF I COULD?! HE’S ALWAYS OUT OF TOWN!”

*Pause* Deep breath.

“How are we going to do family home evening tonight?”
“I thought we changed it to Monday.”

Then they went in raised voices about how it never works on Sunday or how mom hasn’t tried enough to make it work on Monday. And then how Dad doesn’t make it home on Monday (it’s true he doesn’t seem to make the effort to be home early.)
“YOU THINK I’M NOT TRYING! TWO WEEKS THAT’S JUST AN EXCEPTION!”
“WE COULDN’T MAKE IT WORK BEFORE BECAUSE YOU’RE NEVER HOME THAT’S WHY WE CHANGED IT TO SUNDAY!” (Mom was right)
“THE PROBLEM WITH YOU IS THAT YOU GIVE UP TOO EARLY!”

Blah blah… Dad loves to tell people what is wrong with them. Mom gets very defensive. It’s not nice of Dad at all. Once when having a religious/philosophical conversation with 2 Muslim men at my uncle’s house, one of them wasn’t quite up to Dad’s intellectual level and became defensive in the discussion. (My dad loves logic and hates emotion) He would talk to the Muslim guy #2 (who was really an intellectual) about how he couldn’t talk to defensive Muslim guy #1 because he was getting all emotional. Just like that. In a mocking way. Really mean.

Dad didn’t know guy #2 was Muslim at first so he was talking about how #1 was too close minded to have a discussion with… etc… and then at the end, he found out that #2 really wasn’t in for an open discussion either “Muhammad is the last prophet. There can be no more revelation!”

It wasn’t going that great anyway… Dad thinks he talks about religion objectively… he loves to challenge people’s beliefs to make them think for themselves. He’s really open about what they say in return too – if they can prove their point with good arguments. But it doesn’t come across quite that way. He often makes people feel that he is imposing his beliefs on them… and that he is picking their religion apart for faults trying to prove that his view is right. People who aren’t quite like him or humble enough to just say “you’re right” get defensive. And Dad doesn’t deal with defensive well. He will mock you for it.

Worshippers of logic. If you can’t defend yourself with logic from them, you are on the losing end.

That’s why Dad has so much trouble relating to women. He doesn’t get along with Su because she’s always so emotional. He laughs at my crappy logic when I am angry and trying to stand up for myself and tells mom that she’s getting too emotional. That and he doesn’t listen. *sigh*

“I’M THE HEAD OF THE HOME. JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT ON MONDAY.”
“So we’re going to go on without you every week? If I went ahead to do it without you, I’d do it on Sunday!”
“You expect me to get 9-5 job and pay for the bills?!”

I just got up and left at that point. Ernie was sitting between them eating his lunch the whole time.
They eventually moved on to some pretty silly things like “You started it” “You were the one who raised your voice first.”

The argument was just before church. It put everyone in an awkward mood.

If you go back and read the blog where I posted my conversation with Matt, that’s kind of how I feel mom is being treated. Dad really feels he’s superior sometimes. And he is in some aspects but you just can’t treat your wife like that. You compromise. There are nicer ways to get your point across. Dad and Matt would really hit off. It’s scary.

Dad’s not exactly “loving”. I feel sorry for mom a lot. I used to be on my Dad’s side when I was younger because I felt like he did: that mom overreacted to everything. Dad was my favorite parent until my parents were separated for a few months and went to live in Singapore. Mom wasn’t there to be a buffer between us anymore and Dad was hard and mean.

Some time before, during a severe argument, mom had pulled my sister and I in to tell us about how my dad was cheating on her and that they were going to get divorced and we had to choose between parents (Mom loved to dramatize things and involve a lot of people… you know, collecting people to be on her side. Women do that.) At that time, I had felt that she was just making a big drama out of nothing and told her that I would live with Dad.

Well, she left all of us, and then, in two weeks, I changed my mind. It could be that Dad was suffering too and took it out on us. I don’t know. But I remember him as being hard and heartless. He really can be.

It was at that point that I really grew close to my mom. I still have the letters she wrote me during that period in time. I learned how hurt she really was. Well, she converted me. Since then, I’ve been on her side more than Dad’s. I feel like I need to protect her from him. Maybe because I am a woman (or female, at least) and I understand her emotional needs. Su always did. I was Daddy’s little girl… I inherited a lot of his attributes. I was on his side for most of my life.

My dad’s pride got in the way at that time. I remember how he was telling their mediator, a close friend from church, that if she wanted a divorce, he’d give it to her. I don’t remember him trying to get her back. I wished he would. Just apologize and get it over with. That’s the kind of guy I want to marry.

The issue with the cheating eventually got resolved between my parents. I don’t know how, but we just moved on and pretended nothing had happened.

The problem emerged again a couple of years later. Till now, I don’t know what my Dad did, or if he did anything at all. He’s never confessed. He doesn’t care what people say or think, he says. He is what he is and people can believe whatever they want.

Mom has been better at not involving my sister and I in their problems like she did that one time. But she has turned to us for support and comfort which has drawn us closer together as a family.

There’s always the issue of trust that we have to battle with everyday. I want to trust my Dad, so I shut out every suspicion. My motto is “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.”

At least my dad has never physically abused any of us (for that I am very grateful) and he does great as a provider and doesn’t neglect our family. He’s a great dad. He fixes stuff around the house, landscapes our garden…disciplines us, plays with us. Whether or not he is a good husband is really none of my business. I really have no right to complain. I guess sometimes he feels mom doesn’t either.

Enough, enough.

I feel like a hypocrite now – talking about how dad is mean and loves to point out other people’s faults and use them for examples of what not to do. I mean, how ironic is it that I am doing that with him?

I love my parents. You should see them at their best. It is amazing. So, we’re human. We have our ups and downs. There’s no such thing as a fairy-tale marriage. What makes our family great is how we’ve overcome obstacle after obstacle and plan to be together for eternity. It’s only natural for me to be afraid for my marriage as I am afraid for my parents. I just hope I remember all that I observe now and not make the same mistakes in the future.

My parents’ failure or success in their marriage doesn’t have to affect mine. And at the end of the day, they cannot be held accountable for what I do with my relationship. That’s between me and whoever I end up with.

Till then, I hope I can work to becoming the kind of woman the guy of my dreams would want. I’m not giving up the perfect guy for my imperfections again.