My public life.

I am beginning to feel the strain of writing a public journal.

I really don't care what side of me my friends and parents see from reading this anymore. In fact, they end up seeing alot of good, surprisingly. Either way, it's not me that I'm worried about.

The problem with people I know reading this is that I can't post anything that will change the way they think about someone they know - in a negative way. I don't want this to turn into a place for gossip or back-biting. *sigh* What if it's true and I need to talk about it?

I suppose I do a good deal of complaining about my parents. I hope that I do enough to make up for that. I don't want anyone to decide that I have lousy parents from what I say about them, because I don't. Sure they're flawed, but they are the best parents for me and I don't ask for more.

No, this is a bigger issue. But I can't talk about it here. I don't want any of my friends to have to go through this ordeal of having to decide what to think and how to act around someone and trying hard not to pass judgement.

As an outlet, I tell people who are too far away to be involved. It's not the same though. They will naturally be on my side and not bother to protect the person I am conflicted about feeling anger towards. I don't want people on my side. I just want to be told what to think and how to feel by someone who sees both sides of the story like I do. Why is it that I am even so afraid of even FEELING the wrong thing?

I really wish I was capable of malice; that I could hate and not feel guilty about it. I can't and it's torturous. It would be so much simpler to hate someone with or without a valid reason.

In the end, I am fighting myself and questioning my every emotion. I have become my worst enemy.