Behind the silver lining.

I had a pretty crappy day today. The worst part: for no particular reason. I guess now would be an appropriate time to blame PMS.

I just had a really long day I guess, with much less reward at the end. I didn't have time for lunch as usual and since Mark was in class, I didn't get to see him in the morning. Work was alright. Not my best day, somewhat disorganized. I fixed that and made up for it later, but something was still "off" throughout. I hope my guests got the best of me.

I clocked out at 6.15, and was strangely really disappointed that Mark wasn't there to greet me. I had talked to him earlier and he had asked what time I was clocking out. We had made plans to maybe meet and he could walk me to play rehearsals which were at 6.30. It's tech week. Or "hell week", we call it. 6.30pm - 9.30pm everyday this week. Play runs Thrusday - Saturday. Before that, full dress rehearsals.

Mark called when I was back in my room between work and rehearsal. We worked out plans for dinner - me running out right after my part in the play (I'm in the first scene in the first play for only a minute) which starts at 7.30 before the caf closes at 8. But no plans to meet up before rehearsal. I was crushed.

Work sucks the life out of me. I absolutely love my job, but I have to be my very best all day, and I try so hard to be genuinely happy and nice throughout that I'm just so drained by the time I can go home. Not so much physically, like I thought it would be, but more emotionally. I wonder if that's what they mean by the spiritual/emotional exhaustion missionaries experience.

I was hungry and wanted to sit down at dinner with Mark like I usually do after work but because I knew I couldn't, it just dampened my spirits even more. I was already crushed that I had to walk home alone and basically trudged slowly home all the way, secretly hoping that every figure in the distance would be him (how pathetic can I get?)

You have to understand that I associate Mark with everything that's good in my life. And after a long day, I think of him when I'm in need of comfort. Imagine my disappointment when I found out that I wouldn't get to see him till later.

Well, he has a way with me. He stood just around the corner from the backstage entrance of the theater and surprised me when I got there. I don't think he understands just how much I needed that. We hugged for a minute but I was already late for rehearsal and he quickly escorted me to the makeup room.

In the confusion of apologizing to Jennie (director) about being late and trying to hop right into things, I don't think I said goodbye to Mark - or it sure didn't feel like it anyway. By the time I'd figured it out, he had slipped quietly away and it just left me with the most incomplete feeling throughout.

So, I got dressed, did my makeup. It could be just my frame of mind, but it was such a chore. I absolutely hate my outfit. It's this old pink blouse, worn thin with stains on it and a icky green skirt with a broken zipper, which is just a little too big around the waist for me and a big belt. I am an operator in a play set in the 50s, so it's supposed to be period, but I feel profoundly ugly in it and the heavy stage makeup and the bright red lipstick (again, very PERIOD) doesn't help.

Again, it could be my frame of mind, but I felt incredibly left out throughout. Nothing new though. I've never really belonged in the theater department and have never clicked easily with any one group of people who were already comfortable with each other. I should be used to being the oddball by now. You'd think so huh?

I don't know if anyone's noticed but I'm always doing something by myself. People are talking to each other, cracking jokes. I listen and laugh, but I have nothing interesting to add. They start singing something, but I don't know the words so I can't join in.

As if I wasn't already having a tough day, we started REALLY late and by the time I was done, it was 5 past 8pm. I missed dinner. I must have made it obvious that I wasn't having a good day by complaining about how hungry I was and how I didn't have time for dinner the entire time. Hopefully they know me well enough to know that I don't usually focus on the negative side of things and that I was just having a bad day.

So, well, I stayed for the entire play anyway for the notes after - not like anything is directed to me specifically, except "Everyone needs to be LOUDER especially Faye, Tiffany, Ellodie and Katie"

I do help with a couple of quick costume changes for Lisa in the 2nd play, but 2 other girls are there and much more on top of it.

Bascially, I spent the entire play rehearsal feeling hungry, tired, and really insignificant.

Two other girls have tiny parts like mine. I feel sorry for them too. There were a couple more at first, but they dropped out (WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!) and Jennie just double casted people.

What really bugs me is how she brought her whole family into the play. Her brother, Steve (he's acutally a student, so I'm fine with that), has 2 parts in one play, so does her sister Katie (17), and her Dad has one part in each play. Her mom sits through rehearsals and gives comments privately to the actresses and Bonnie (14) is our gopher.

I'm just really bothered that Katie who just graduated from highschool last week was given the parts of those people who had dropped out (and there were 3 total) when Jennie could've given it to someone else. If not me (because I can't act), Monica is a theater major and she only had 3 or 4 lines total.

Maybe I just don't like Katie. She does bug me some. I hate to admit dislike, (because it reveals my pride) but she is fresh out of highschool, her older sister is the director so she knows it all and because she's in a college play even though she just graduated, she is absolutely the COOLEST person in the world. *sarcasm*

I'm just jealous. I'm sure. Leave me be, I'll get over it. Mark said that I'd do it if it were my sister. He's right. It still sucks though.

I'm not getting any class credit for my participation. I joined the play for fun - but this isn't fun. I'm not growing any as an actress and the part I play does not justify the time I spend at rehearsals. I'm sure that if I quit right now, Jennie will put Katie in my spot.

I just don't feel very important when I'm there and I guess I'm used to that feeling. I'll get used to it. That's life.

After play rehearsals, I looked for Mark in the library. He had smuggled me a bagel from the caf. It was the most thoughtful gesture ever. We then went to the hub (a private computer lab that Mark has access to because of his job where we hang out frequently and play Counter Strike in on weekends) to do our reading for our online exercise class. By the time we had completed the chapter and the quiz, it was midnight.

Since Mark was so tired, I didn't press the issue of staying out longer too much. My intention was to be unselfish tonight (because I kept him out late the night before, hence his sleepiness today) but once again pulled the guilt trip on him as he was about to send me back to my dorm room.

I feel terrible. Supposedly when you love someone, you do everything in your power to keep them from getting hurt. I seem to find ways to hurt him as much as possible. If it's hard for me to go home, I make it hard for him to send me home too. Talk about issues.

I do it knowing that Mark is so unselfish that he would put what I want first. I take advantage of it mercilessly and I shouldn't.

It was hard saying goodnight to him today because I hadn't felt like I had spent enough time with him. Just a couple of hours doing reading on separate computers didn't feel like quality time.

We ended up saying goodnight relatively early, but not after I had made him feel selfish for leaving me early when in reality, I'm the selfish one.

So here I am in my room, on the computer - because that's what I do when I go home before I'm ready to. Mark wrote in his blog too. He started one recently.

It's been an issue between us this past couple of days. He let me read one, but started another private one for himself. I feel really hurt everytime it comes up because he won't let me read. I know I need to respect his need for space. At the same time, I don't understand it because I let everyone read my blogs. What makes it even more confusing is the fact that Jared lets me read HIS most private ones. I don't want to be closer to Jared than I am to Mark. It makes no sense to me.

Immaturity on my part, really. Me overracting. He said he gave up the blog - just not worth it, says he, but I still haven't gotten to read what little he wrote in it and he probably just continued to write it down on paper. I don't know why this is so important to me and why I can't just let him have his secrets. I just feel like such a stranger sometimes. He doesn't let me in easily and it makes me doubt my place in his life.

There are alot of differences Mark and I need to work out but there is so much love and trust binding us together beneath it all. He makes me want to be my best. I forget to do that sometimes, but he deserves the best of me.

I had a long day. I'm tired. But I don't want to sleep because I'm lonely. Yet, I don't want to be lonely because this is the right thing to do. I'm just longing for the time when I won't need to say goodbye to him at night anymore.

Till then, I'm just going to keep writing in here when I need him.