More time travel.

I am in the computer lab checking my mail with Mark and he was surprised on how much mail I kept in my inbox. I haven't deleted anything personalized. Just for fun, I found the very first email he sent me in that account.

It was cool to read - that was when I was in Arizona visiting Jared before going back to Malaysia. I was surprised by how much I told Mark in one email. That was before I blogged. Reading it, it sure felt like something I would put on one.

Markerena, =)

It's not like I won't call to talk to you soon anyway, but since I'm here in Mesa Community College while Jared is in class, and feeling very bored, I thought I should email you. Thank you for your virtual bouquet. I loved it.

Things have been going great here in Mesa. I am IN LOVE with Jared's family. They are just awesome. They seem to like me too. His dad, especially. loL! Jared's dad loves to travel and seems to be thrilled that I'm from Malaysia. He is so funny - Jared and I hang out downstairs alot where my bedroom and his is, and his dad seems to look for every excuse to come downstairs to talk to us. Maybe he's just checking on us, making sure we stay out of trouble. Not like he really needs to.

I've been making friends with Jared's cats and his bird, Einstein. I love 'em to death! He's just got the nicest house. His mom is an awesome interior decorator. He calls her "Mini Martha", it could well be true. She set up my bed so nicely, it felt so wrong to sleep on it. I guess I'm just not used to being spoiled like that as a guest in someone's house. I usually get the couch or a sleeping bag - not a whole queen sized bed to myself. (Never slept alone on a bed so big before)

There's so much Jared and I want to do that we don't have time for. *sigh* Wish I was staying just a little longer. He would have so much time on July 4th weekend, and I'm leaving JUST before then. His neices don't get home till then either!!! ARGH! If I knew I was going to fly home anyway, I would've stayed a little longer. Oh well. Too late.

Things have been a little weird between Jared and I. I have alot of thinking to do now. I found out in Vegas that Jared is still in love with me. That he had been hoping that as soon as I resolved my problems (with Matt), we would be able to get back together. That came as a shock, yet, I kind of felt like I knew it all along. I was forced to move on before because I thought he had. Now that I have, he's trying to pull me back. Now, I have even MORE problems to resolve. *sigh* I don't think I am in love with Jared anymore - as much as I still think of him as an AWESOME best friend and love him to peices... months of believing it was over kinda sunk in after a while. I am so much less physically attracted to him than I was before. After having dated you, it's hard to go back. On the bright side, he is not as big as I remember him to be - and I finally got him to shave his beard, the hideous thing. Since I am going home now, the solution is easy - just move on, don't wait. He believes that we were meant to be married but we screwed it up. (I feel I did, with my whole immorality issue). I give up thinking about it already. We are vey compatible, I feel, but entertaining the opportunity of getting back together with him just complicates things. I want to keep it simple. I don't need 3 guys wanting to get back together with me and having to divide my affection between them.

The biggest problem I am facing now is deciding what I want and how I feel about who. I am so confused. That's why I just want to say screw it all and forget the relationship thing. Let me be single and just have a good time. Although I know that being single is really not what I want, I am definitely not ready for considering marriage at all - I can't even decide who I am in love with. It's not like I am thinking asbout marrying Matt anymore. But I can't still feel about him the way I do without ruining my marriage. It just doesn't work. Going home is a good excuse to run away from everything and start fresh. Hopefully, feelings will fade when I am hope so I can have a clean start when I go back to a place where people actually date.

I hope you have been happy while I'm gone. I miss you alot too and think about you all the time. Poor Jared has to put up with ANOTHER ex-boyfriend. He always seems to be around me when I've just ended a relationship. Last time, I would talk about Matt all the time, now you. You had to put up with me talking about Jared. It's all a mess. I'm infamous for my ex-boyfriend issues. Exactly why I am not ready for anything close to a serious relationship. I don't let go easy.

Go find Jason and do something with him - let him know I miss him and have been telling Jared what a neat guy he is. I hope the passport thing clears through. Knowing that I can see you again soon makes it easier and helps me miss you less. I guess I got really, really attached to you. It's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Question - would you rather me call you more often or less? Is it easier if I don't talk to you at all (force you to move on, or whatever) or do you miss me more then? I want you to move on as much as you can and don't want to be holding you back by calling you and telling you I am thinking of you. You're not the only one who needs to let go. Let me know so I don't make things harder for you. If you need a friend, I am gladly here at your service.

Alright, Mark. Hope you have a good week. Good luck finding a job. Stay busy and get plenty of nutrition! Balanced meals!!! (It's so funny, Jared's parents ask me if Jared ate plenty of vegetables while in Hawaii. Thanks to me, he did!)

Missing you way too much,
Fei.

It's always so interesting to look back and remember what it was like. In some ways, I feel like it was a different person writing that letter. So much has happened since then, and my experiences have changed me in some ways. I'm not sure that's a good thing. I wonder how much of me I'll keep by the time I'm 40.

Growing up is quite the experience. Writing it down helps me retain a bit of the memory. The pain fades with time, but my goal is to write it down in such a way that by reading what my past self wrote, I will be able to relive it once more.

Why I want to remember pain is beyond me. But forgetting is my biggest fear.