When our paths diverge.

I am so frustrated I could cry.
 
Oh wait - I am already crying.
 
I typed out this whole blog about why and so carefully put my feelings into words. Perfect time to lose a good post.
 
I'm going to attempt to rewrite it.
 
Mark and I had a discussion on the benches in between the dorms tonight. He told me that he was applying to the University of Utah for admission in the Fall because it would be a better school to apply to medical school from. Though he was very careful and gentle in explaining that no decisions had been made yet, it still felt like a bomb being dropped on my lap.
 
I cried of course. I cried while typing up the last blog about it and I am still crying now.
 
The first thing that flashed through my mind was a time in my past where I heard something similar. It was from Jared when he told me that he was going to return home for the summer and had me entertain the thought of separating - at least for that time. Only later did we discuss truly breaking up, but I am now reminded of that particular time when I had to accept my place and not let my personal desires interfere with what was best for the other. We only dated 5 weeks total. Mark and I have loved each other for over a year now.  
 
I write this reluctantly because I am trying to feign strength in hopes that I really will be strong about it. I don't really want Mark to know that I am struggling as much as I am. He has an idea. I just don't want him to know the extent of my sadness for fear that it will affect his decision. But I owe it to him to be honest.
 
He let me cry on his shoulders earlier, even though I was trying to be strong about it, telling me that if I was going to cry to do it while he could hold me. How can you be willing to let such a man go?
 
I need to say for the record that I am very proud of Mark for taking his future into his own hands, for making that step to plan his career. At the same time, it is very difficult to accept my place in this decision.
 
Mark and I have not reached that point in relationships where we become each other's priority in life. I mean, on a daily scale, we put each other at top priority, but as far as life-changing decisions go, we cannot choose based on our relationship. In essence, our lives are still separate. Until we choose to take our relationship to the next level, we cannot make choices around each other nor allow the other to affect what we chose for our future.
 
What this means to me? That no matter how much I love him, I cannot have a hold over him.
 
I remember thinking as I cried earlier, how I didn't want to be left behind again, to have the one I love in pursuit of a future that I can have no part in. I want him to choose what is best, even if it means choosing it over me. It's been done before. And life went on. But I can't bear to have it happen to me again.
 
How can you tell someone you want to spend the rest of your life with to go ahead with his without you?
 
I could beg him to stay. If going with him was an option, I could ask him to take me along. It's hard enough to choose such a change with or without me in the picutre, I know that it isn't impossible to sway him into staying. But that is not my place. It is his life, his happiness - not mine. I hope Mark will be wise enough to choose what is right regardless.
 
I know everything is still uncertain. Moving may not even be an option for him. If he doesn't get accepted, or get the application in on time, then this was all for naught. However, I want to brace myself and be prepared to react appropriately to whatever happens.
 
What do I do now? I'll be reminded of how I might lose him everytime I'm with him. I want to cherish and make the best of every minute with spend together fom now and not waste whatever time I have left with him. At the same time, if I were to lose Mark, shouldn't I get used to the idea now?
 
I don't know what will happen at this point. No one really does. I just know that I will worry about losing him all the time now. I know that I will probably cry every night until something is final, and perhaps even long after that.
 
I'll get through this. You'd think I'd be used to ending relationships by now and that it would lose its sting.

On the bright side, I guess I can look forward to going back to naming this blog "Faye's Boyfriend Replacement" once again.