What this blog was intended for.

Finally, a night where I feel the need to blog. I'm suprised it took so long.

I don't know what it is really, but I'm kinda "off" tonight. It makes no sense. I should have had a great day. It was busy, but being occupied is usually desirable. I am rather angry at myself for not being able to enjoy myself like I usually would.

Work was really good today. I was kind of tired for some reason even though I got alot of sleep last night. The weather was kind of gloomy but my tour was excellent. It was a good work day. Anna, a cute vietnamese girl that I know through Jared gave me free ice-cream - TWICE. After that, choir auditions. I don't have a great singing voice so I still have no idea why I did that but it went fine. Next, Swing Club. It was really fun. Wasn't dancing the WHOLE time, but enough. I didn't feel left out much at all. Then, Mandy's birthday party.

It was quite the party and it was fun, but I spent most of it on the computer playing Text Twist. Yeah. Stupid, I know. I just didn't feel like being social. I wish I did because it really could've been a blast. It wasn't like it was terrible, it just wasn't as fun as I normally would've found it. It baffles me.

Part of it could have been that I didn't get to talk to Mark today. Weird. It doesn't always bother me. Especially when I am too busy to. Some of you haven't been updated with the fact that Mark and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. We've been talking less and less now. When we do, it has been brief, for the most part anyway. We don't know what to say to each other anymore. When we finally open up and have a heart to heart conversation, it just hurts. All the emotions come back and I miss him even more.

Mark and I are growing apart. That's scary. Not that I have to let go of him, but that I already am. The fact that I'm finding it relatively easy also terrifies me. I still don't want to lose him, but having admitted defeat a long time ago, I think I've stopped crying about that for a while now.

I'm fighting to move on. I have fun flirting and looking around and obsessing over/stalking hot guys that I don't want a relationship with. But it's all so shallow. I miss the intimacy I had with Mark. Today at the party, I was with my friends but for some reason I felt like I didn't belong. It's my fault for withdrawing from them, but whatever it is, I just feel like I've lost my place here. I've sought out Jared alot lately - I guess I feel like I belong there. We've been friends for a long time now and you could say that we are pretty "intimate". Jared's a great friend, but he's not filling all the empty places.

My new roommate Emily keeps me sane. She loves to talk - which is awesome - and we see eye to eye on alot of things so we have some great conversations. She's a blessing. I appreciate having her around. We talk about guys alot. And our exes. I've never been this close to a roommate before. It's nice. Emily suggested that I could be having my PMS today. She could be right.

What am I getting at by blogging? Nothing really. I just needed to cry tonight. And it has helped me to. I think I've spent so much time keeping busy and being happy that my loneliness needed to catch up with me. I can deal with one lonely night.

I think I've said all I was thinking and I still want to cry some more. I need a sad movie. I'm listening to Counting Crows right now, skipping to all their mellower songs. They aren't exactly what I would call "depressed music" but I listened to them alot when I was home in Malaysia, dealing with loneliness. That's the mood it brings back when I listen to it.

I wish Mark would wake up soon so I can pour my heart out to him and tell him how much I miss him and maybe hear about how he misses me too. I don't want to be the only lonely one. But it won't happen. And it shouldn't anyway.

I really should call home instead. Haven't spoken to my family in so long. I'm not sure what to say to them. Mom is worried about me of course. I've actually been doing really well but I didn't bother to update my blog when things were going well. I wonder what I'm trying to run away from by not calling my family. I just don't think of them very often. Maybe I'm afraid I'll start missing them terribly if I talk to them again. I need to stop being selfish. Maybe I should start replying the emails Mom writes me.

Home feels like a lifetime away. This is home for me now, and to think of my family back in Malaysia throws everything off-balance. I remember when I first came here, it was so automatic, to call home every week. I'm not happy with myself for being so bad about it. I love my family. I don't have a reason to not want to talk to them. I just don't. Perhaps it's that I'm afraid to intrude. They're used to not having me there - I don't want to throw their lives off-balance either.

But I miss them. I miss the person I was around them. I wish Ray was here right now to give me a hug. He must have grown up some by now. *sigh*

I feel like I should write a poem - but I don't have any specific I want to write about. Kind of like this blog. This is like a phone conversation with someone you like. You want to stick around as long as you can so you can be in their company but you're both out of things to say.

Kind of like Mark and I.

I'll leave now. Do something to cheer me up so I'm not emotional when I call home.

Or maybe I'll just cry a little more first.