Aloha Oe

I'm not sure what to write now exactly.

I'm crying, of course. The goodbye was tearful. I called in sick today to make sure that I could send him off properly. He gave me a box of sheets, a fan, a small pot of cacti, padlocks, a blanket, and his pillow. We exchanged pillows.

We left in a hurry. I was equipped with my blankie for comfort, and a box of tissues. Mark bought me that the night he told me of his decision. It's not going to last very long. Scott followed us down so he could drive the car back. Mark didn't remember to hug Reed goodbye till after we left campus, so he called him instead. That was when he first started crying. The drive down was hard, the both of us soaking up whatever we could trying to make movies in our head of our last moments together.

It was hard for him to walk away from his car. I had to say goodbye to the car today too. It's silly what a big part the rusty vehicle has to play in our relationship. We first held hands in there, after trips to 7-11 after midnight. First kiss. He broke the news to me about leaving in there. I'm not ready to give that up yet, but the car isn't mine. It won't be Mark's either soon.

I had another airport goodbye. I hate airports. Too many loved ones have been taken from me there. He blew me a couple of kisses before disappearing out of sight. I caught them and found myself clenching tightly on to them with my fist till I got into the car and put them in my bag.

I didn't cry all the way home, strangely. I managed to be strong, smile and laugh even. Scott was trying so hard to cheer me up. I fell asleep not long after. After getting back on campus, Scott, Reed, Many and I went to the Chop Suey and had good Chinese food for dinner, followed by watching "Paycheck" in the Hub.

It was fun, and I had a good time. I feel like I'm betraying Mark somehow. Like he should be there and that I have no right to have a good time without him. That is far from true, I know, but I'm so used to having him around.

I told Reed today that I think I'll actually be ok because I have friends. Bless their hearts, they are being so nice to me trying to make sure that I'm ok. I don't really want the attention. I don't need to be reminded of how I'm now missing my other half.

I didn't want to come home after the movie tonight. Depression hits the hardest when I'm here in my room. Noelle, a Tongan girl from Utah just moved into my room today till Friday when her room will be ready. She's out right now which is nice. That way I can cry without worrying her or having to talk to her about it.

Things aren't going to be HORRIFIC without Mark around. It'll just be different. I wondered out loud the other night why I felt like I was leaving instead of Mark. Reed said that because a big part of me was. Scott said that Mark was taking my heart with him to Utah. All too true. Already, I feel different.

I'm not looking forward to much right now. I have another day off tomorrow. I don't care if I do anything with it or not. I'm dreading going back to work because I know that when it gets time to go home, I'll forget and start looking out for Mark to pick me up. I'm going to be crushed all over again when I realize that he isn't there and will never be.

I keep looking out for him as it is, thinking that it's him when I see a similar silhouette. I am secretly hoping that he will walk up to me and surprise me anytime now, and tell me he just played a horrible, horrible joke on me. That maybe tomorrow he'll wake me up from outside my window and I can run out to meet him.

Part of me wants to replace him already, so I can look forward to something more realistic. But my heart can't and won't let go anytime soon. I am anticipating a bleak 4 months. Right now, I'm telling myself that he will be back after a semester to make this easier for me to deal with. To make this pain feel more temporary. When I find out that he will be staying in Utah, I will be able to go through this all over again.

I worry for his safety. It kills me not be able to be the one to take care of him now. I wonder what he's doing, if he's thinking about me. Being the masochist that I am, I've been looking through pictures of him and of us together. We look so happy. It's hard for me to understand the reason for this separation. One day I'll grasp it, but not tonight.

Too many emotions welling up. I won't get anywhere yet. It will be a while before I can escape this loneliness. Right now, I'm looking forward to having him call me as soon as he gets home. In the meantime, I hug his pillow hoping that maybe he can feel a little portion of my love for him even while miles away.