I need to talk.

I've been needing to talk for a long time now. The funny thing is I don't know who I want/need to talk to. Exactly why I like this blog. I can talk to everyone, yet no one at the same time.

Internet was out since Saturday and there was none over at the Hub where we usually hang out either. Gosh, I don't know how I survived.

There are alot of fun things that happen often, and I have plenty of reason to be happy and many things to be grateful for. I'm not always sad. I find reasons to smile throughout my day. Work, friends and kittens are wonderful for that. But that's not what I need to talk about. I don't want this blog to convey utter gloom and depression, but I need this outlet. I need to cry to someone and I don't know who to do it to.

I know that as soon as my friends and family read this, they will want to jump in and be there for me. I appreciate that. I've never really relied on friends for emotional support though. It's nice to have them to listen to me when I need to kavetch briefly. I love the fact that I can tell them that I'm not OK and they'll understand and not take me as whiney. At the same time, my friends to me, are there to help me keep the happy part of my life going. To make sure I stay busy and entertained and not be left with more time to feel lonely. That's all I ask of them. I know they want to give more, but really, I don't want to have to tell it to someone verbally. I don't want the pity. I just need a place where I can be completely honest with myself. To admit that I'm miserable. And to cry.

I've been hit with a very serious down period lately. I'm not sure what it is exactly. It could be a combination of everything. Mark and I haven't talk hardly at all in these past few days. He was driving down to Utah from Maryland and was roaming on his cellphone. When I did get a hold of him, it would be really brief.

And then there was the internet going down, leaving me feeling stranded. For some reason, our social group kind of died for the past couple of nights too. Today things picked up. Internet is back, Mark got a Utah number,things are looking towards the up and up.

I talked to Mark yesterday morning for much longer than I should've but not long enough. The time difference kills me. I really want to talk to him at night when I go home but he's fast alseep. They are 4 hours ahead of us. 3 hours after daylight savings ends. I want to stay up to talk to him, but it'd be too late for me. I've tried calling him in the morning after I wake up. It's strange for me to sleep in one mood and wake up in the same one. I've done that alot lately. Waking up with a lonely feeling isn't fun at all.

I had a couple of dreams in the past week where Mark and I were together again, physically. I want more of them. It feels so real in my sleep. It's the best I can get for now.

Anyway, about my conversation with Mark. He told me about the campus and how huge it was. He sounded so excited and happy, like things were actually going to work out fine. If I was unselfish, I'd be happy for him and be able to be at ease knowing that he's ok. But I'm not.

It tore me apart. Here I am pining for him and he's actually doing alright. That means that I can't count on him hating it and coming home after a semester. It hit me, suddenly, when he was telling me about the university, that he had applied to UTAH instead of the University of Hawaii. Makes me confused and somewhat angry. If it was really a good school that he wanted, he had many options. Tons of people graduate from here with a Pre-Med degree. Why'd he have to go all the way to Utah? I don't understand. Or maybe I just don't want to.

I'm not ready to lose him. I compare him with everyone I see around me. No one measures up. I don't know what to look forward to anymore. I am excited to go to town on the bus with my friends tomorrow for Dim Sum. But it's a temporary fix, at best. I know I look forward to getting an email from him,to seeing him online, or to having him call me. But all that has no promise. All I see in the future is having to stop talking to him. Having to hear that he's not planning on returning and going through this all over again.

I can't talk to Mark about how I feel, not only because I can't get a hold of him, but because I don't want him to worry for me. I don't want to hold him back from his dreams. I wish his dreams inculded me in it some. But there's little I can do about it now.

Not much more to say. I'm just going to repeat the same thing night after night. I have one last night with my kitties. I'm getting into big trouble for having them. I can't bear to let them go. They've been such a blessing. Filling up the spaces. Giving me a place to put my affection. I wish I could keep them.

In the meantime, I'll just sit here crying while Mai licks up the tears from my cheeks.