Long day.

Work from 11 to 7 and then beach party with our department from then till midnight. *sigh*

It's been a series of up and downs today. The beach party went off to a rather bad start. Mandy and I kind of got ditched by the people we planned to walk to the beach with. I called Jared to invite him because I couldn't get a hold of Su and didn't want to go alone. It so happened that he was already invited along with JD by someone else.

So, I met up with them. Mandy was there with them as well as a couple of other people. We were waiting for Su, I thought, but then the group that had invited JD and J-Bo got up and left, along with them and left Mandy and I waiting for Su - who we didn't find till later at the beach - and feeling kinda angry.

We ended up getting a ride there because we weren't up to walking there by ourselves in the rain. I'm not really angry anymore, I understand it wasn't really Jared's fault, and JD is too lovestruck to notice. It just felt really weird to be left out like that. I feel guilty too, though, for being so demanding of my friends. I just expected that we all go as a group and it didn't happen.

Party was a disappointment at the beginning. Not alot of people were there, and most of them were the Japanese tourguides. Don't know them very well. Jared and J-D were with the girls they went with so Mandy and I kept each other company and sat on the beach together.

After a while, I just wandered off by myself, thinking how it was strange to not have anyone notice that I was gone. I just felt really lonely. After having someone there for me 24-7, it's really different to be alone, with no one to miss me. I cried for a minute or two. I didn't get to talk to him today. He's travelling, driving from Maryland to Utah. The time difference and the roaming charges on his cellphone doesn't help.

I really wanted to go home and be alone at that point. I am always happy and smiling at work: I have to be. I didn't really want to be there because I had to continue my act at the party around my colleagues.

I miss just being able to be myself. To say what's on my mind and to be my very worst, without worrying about what the person is going to think of me. Mark, my best friend is gone. I've opened up to a couple of people since, but I still hold back,trying not to hold a self-centered "poor me" conversation. I can't even open up completely to Mark anymore. We can't afford to drag each other down. At some point, we will do even more pretending and fake being ok till we really are. Perhaps this is why I long to be here in my room more than ever and just be sad. I don't have him here to hold me while I cry anymore, but it's ok, I'll get used to it.

People keep making references to Mark. When you've been dating for a while, people just link one person to the other. I had to repeat a few times today, what's going on between Mark and I. It sucks. People see me as happy, and I don't know how to tell people what happened. I say it like it's no big deal because I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want their pity. They ask me what's going to happen. Good question. I wish I had an answer.

It sounds so silly to say. He transfered schools because he felt that the University of Utah is a better school for his career. If anything, I thought that it would be easier to graduate from BYU-H. I told that to a Bio-Chemistry major here and felt really stupid. I don't know what it sounds like, but to tell people that your boyfriend left you for good to go to a "better" school just sounds really dumb. Most people can't believe that he just left me here. Then again, these were the same people that would keep asking us when we were getting married.

I find myself looking forward to him returning. I kick myself everytime. Mark said that false hope was better than no hope at all, though. I don't know. Right now, I just focus on looking forward to hearing from him again.

Everything reminds me of him. After work, I check the gate to see if he's waiting for me. I pick up the phone and the first thing I do is to dial his number, unintentional everytime. The sky was beautiful at sunset and I thought of how he would just watch the sky with me. I still look for him in crowds and my heart always skips a beat when I see someone with a similar silhouette.

I miss him so much. Reality is starting to sink in. In the next two weeks, I will finally realize that he never will be coming back. Denial is wonderful.

Mandy had planned to go see Alien Vs. Predator and left halfway through the party so I decided to walk her to the theater. Dawn, a co-worker from Mongolia came with us so that I didn't have to be alone walking back. On the way there, Dawn found out about Mark and I and on the way back, we talked about relationships some. Dawn just broke up a couple of months ago with her first boyfriend. Su is alot closer to her than I am and was always trying to pick her up then. They're both still struggling with it some. Nobody deserves to experience a break up. *sigh*

The party picked up when we returned. We got together and played games, and after that the food was ready. We had cooked polynesian food in an underground oven with hot rocks. It was cool, especially since we all work at the polynesian cultural center and about half of us were polynesians away from home. I had neglected to take pictures.

I wish my other friends could have been there. I don't usually get to complain about being alone, they do a good job at making sure that I'm alright. I tried tonight to be a friend and stretch myself a little by walking Mandy to the theater, only to have someone do the same with me.

So many people are trying to reach out to me. I hope that while I'm going through this that I won't forget to be a friend to others as well and remember to give of myself to those who need me instead of simply being on the receiving end.

*sigh* I don't have anything more to say, but I don't want to go to bed yet. I remember that while in Malaysia, I'd stay up really late because I felt so incomplete without talking to Mark before bed. I'm going to have to get used to that feeling, I think.

I know things will work out ok. Whether or not Mark and I do end up together in the end. I know that it's possible to be happy without his presence in my life. It's not the ultimate ending that I really care about. It's tonight, and tomorrow, and every day that it will hurt that I'm worried about.

My bed is beckoning. But so is one more game of Dynomite. This is sad. Mark is gone, and I'm trying to replace him with a game on zone.com.