A Cry for Help: The D word.

I just returned from nearly an hour of meeting with Armi today. It was what I would consider to be my first experience in therapy. It was easier than I thought it would be. Overall, I left feeling good.

The first time I heard the D word suggested was a week and a half ago by Dr. Bradford who teaches 3 of my classes - all the music ones. He wanted to know what was wrong.

First, he suggested a sleeping disorder. Then, depression.

Me, depressed?! I was scornful.

I'm not crying all the time. I have no reason to be sad, and I'm not! I don't cry any more than I usually do. Definitely not suicidal. My level of self-confidence hasn't decreased any. It's still easy to smile at my guests at the PCC and be the happy tourguide. Psh. Depressed. Whatever.

Hah. Denial, that's another D word.

2 days ago, I finally said the word myself in a conversation with Matthew. Armi had me take an assessment today. 10 points on the test means I'm at the halfway mark.

The fact is, whether or not I use depression as an excuse, things haven't been in its optimal state this semester. I finally had to admit that something was wrong. That is so much harder than it sounds.

My appetite has been really bad. I've been skipping way too many meals. My sleeping pattern has been out of whack. Don't want to go to bed, don't want to get up. Personal hygiene has become a chore. My room has been neglected. Laundry has been piling up. All I do is sit at my computer wasting time when I should be asleep and then sleeping when I should be awake. Hmmm. Sounds familiar. Oh, wait. Isn't that the same reason my parents grounded me from college?

What makes the difference though, has been my lack of motivation. It's not that I've been out having too much fun with my friends, neglecting what I need to be doing. It's that I haven't even wanted to go out with them much. I force myself to now and then, but mostly, I just want to stay in my room. Having labelled myself as an extrovert, that is very, very scary.

More than feeling depressed, I am concerned about my lack of productivity this semester. It's seriously affecting my school. I'm tired of this continuous under-achivement I am getting used to semester after semester. I LOVED my psychotherapy class. LOVED. I dropped it. What the heck?! Even the financial aid board is concerned and my internship to China thing may not be approved because of grades.

So I've finally decided that I'm going to DO something about it. That is the biggest problem with my life. I'm always thinking, never doing. I need less talk and more action. That was the first step. It was a big step for me to just admit that I need a little help. To leave my room to get something done? What an achievement.

There's a lot I want to change, but I know that I have to take baby steps. Just one load of laundry, at least, this week. I can do that. I was afraid I'd have to do something drastic like turn in my computer. I'm not ready for that kind of change. A matter of priorities, I guess. Maybe at some point, if it is important enough to me, and necessary, I will have to.

I'm frustrated at myself for not having dealt with all these tiny bad habits earlier. Now I feel this incredible pressure to just FIX everything. Becuase I want to get married soon. But I can't make it a happy home if I can't even control my own life. I'm afraid of the possibility of having to wait till I'm prepared. Patience is not something I've been good at. I want things, and I want it NOW. I guess this will be a good time to learn.

So, Mom and Dad, academic wise this semester will be somewhat of a failure. But I'm doing something about it now so that it won't happen again. And if it gets out of control, I will be the first one to step down and quit wasting money on an education I am not fully utilizing.

Oh, I learn a lot. I especially appreciated the therapist (who is currently working on her graduate degree) because of the class I took. I am observing and taking mental notes. It is kind of fun.

So I've blogged about it. It goes down in history... but this is my way of being honest with myself. Perhaps putting it on a public blog is uneccessarily truthful and open, but I feel that this is my way of intergrating this with reality. It's reassuring for me to know that I am not afraid of being looked at differently. For that, I have my friends to thank.

Here's to a brand new semester!