And yet...

As great a time as I had with my friends tonight, I would trade it all in to belong to someone this very moment. Even it means staying at home and talking to Mark who is 6000 miles away.

I went the whole day today without any contact with him. I sent him a couple of text messages on his cell, but nothing 2-way.

We've just been talking about cutting ties and didn't quite come up with a conclusion yet. So what now - have we started?

The very first time Matthew told me that we should cut ties, we weren't even dating yet. We had been talking online nearly everyday for 5 months(?) and we realized that our "relationship" was doomed (he being Catholic and I LDS). He decided all of a sudden that we should cease communication (I remember it was right after showing him pictures of my family) he disappeared for a whole month. It was Valentine's day when he left.

I remember crying so hard. I just couldn't understand it. If he didn't like me, he could just say so. I didn't know why he left. He just did. He said he was falling for me. So stay! I thought. Why leave me now? Sometimes I think back on then and I cry, like I cry in movies in a sad scene. I feel so sorry for that 16 year old girl who felt real hurt from a man she loved for the very first time.

Oh if I had known then, how much deeper the pain gets. What a simple thing to cry over. Yet, how painful it was.

He came back a month later and told me how he truly felt for me. While he was gone, I talked to my aunt about it. She told me that if it's meant to be, it will all work out. He came back. I thought it was meant to be. I guess not.

But right now, I miss Mark. I'm afraid when I think of going for just a few days without being able to talk to him. It has to happen at some point. I managed to not talk to Jared for a while. Or Matt. I can do it with Mark.

We lost a rabbit today. Dog got into the pen. Mom, Ernie and Ray were crying. I cried too. The first time I lost a pet, I was 12. I came home from a sleepover to an empty cage. My rabbit had died. I was devasted.

I cried today not because I miss the bunny (I felt sad and horrified at what the dog had done but I wasn't that attatched to them anyway). I cried because I realized today how familiar I am with loss. Death is not the only way to lose someone you love, Ernie.

I'm so tired of having to give up the people I love.

I had a great day. But I'm crying.

I wish I had my phonecard right now. I'm just going to blame it all on that tonight.

It's 3.20 am. I'm exhausted. But I don't want to go to bed because it just feels so empty. Trying hard not to think about what I'd be doing today if I was in Hawaii. At the same time, trying to fantasize hard enough so that it would become so real.

I wonder when I'll learn to stop missing Mark.