Dearest Fei,

Just want you to know that I have read your blog only today after a long absence. This is so hard for you. I am sorry. I guess I’m just too tired of the whole roller coaster ride. I don’t want to further burden you. But I realize that there is a kind of influence that we feel around us that we don’t feel with our normal 5 senses. And you can feel things for me without me telling. So whether I say it or not, you will still feel the weight on my shoulder. And it does affect you. I think I owe it to you to explain myself.

My visit with President Larkin (our mission president) didn’t really make me feel overly excited about how this thing is going to end. He had mentioned many positive things about what he saw, but strangely, I didn’t feel excited at all. I spent most of the time listening to his counsel and advice. Many of which I already knew. I know with a surety now that what I expect of my husband is standard requirement for a righteous husband who holds the priesthood. I was told to be more resolute in my decision. I know I couldn’t live with less and there’s nothing that I can do to change him. The only thing I can change is myself. I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do in the past. But I was going the wrong direction. I tried to change my thinking, which I thought was what was wrong with me, according to dad. Dad made me believe that there’s something wrong with me. That what I expected of him does not exist. However, President Larkin’s short sermon on the purpose of life and how a natural man can never walk back to God, re-enforce my belief that I am doing the right thing. There should have been no reasons for me to doubt my husband had he not been doing what he did. I need not change my thinking. But I have to change my way of handling the problem. I was told to back up and let dad have his own room to think for himself. He had been reminded and warned by President Larkin of the adverse eternal consequences of making this separation final. He forewarned us (in separate meetings) that divorce would see its negative impact on the family 15 – 20 years down the road. He had seen enough to foretell the dooms. He assured me that dad knows in his own heart what needs to be done in order to keep his family together. Eventually, he will have to make that decision to walk that strait and narrow path himself. Nobody can make him change except himself. So you can see now why I didn’t feel very excited. How can one be when one sees dooms looming ahead? Our eternal destiny hangs on the choice that one man will make but I cannot help him choose. Dad cannot shun that responsibility he has over us. Teaching his family to find happiness, independent from him, is contrary to the Lord’s intention for eternal families. He has to lead with righteous example. Meanwhile, what do I do with the family? Am I to take the lead? I wish he was really out of our lives then I don’t have to worry that I am “holding the ark of the covenant” without authority.

Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is that whatever choices we make as an individual will have eternal consequences to the people around us, especially those with whom we have eternal relationships. We can only hide things away from mortal beings but the eternal laws that govern the universe will reveal them in its own time. “God is great, time will tell” is what your grandma used to say. And I believe that my choice to remain faithful to the sacred covenants that I have made in the Temple of the Lord will bring me the promises that He thinks are rightfully mine. In my limited knowledge, I find no eternal hope in divorce, especially when it involves a Celestial marriage with 6 children born under the covenants. However, I am not the one with the power to make a difference here. The free agency that brings us happiness in this life can also bring us eternal damnation. We cannot force another to choose the path that we think is right. He has to make that choice himself. And the Lord, who can see to it that both justice and mercy be met, in all His wisdom, will not disappoint the obedient. I was promised that the Lord would bless me as long as I remain faithful. This is mentioned both in my patriarchal blessing and by President Whitaker. We may not have a choice for what happen to us but we do have a choice of how to face the things that happen to us. And God is not leaving us alone to deal with that. If we trust Him, we would grow from this. We do not know what the future will hold for us. But this much I know—that it is for our own good that we are going through this.

I want to assure you that I know that this life is only a small part of our eternal existence. What we go through today is but a very short moment. If endured well, the eternal course that we choose to take will bring us back to where our Heavenly Father is. If we made it back together, it would be wonderful. If dad were not there, it would be his loss and not ours, as long as we have taken the only path—the strait and narrow path.

So Fei, my dearest, be of good cheer. Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Are you joining me?

With all my love,
Mom

p.s. As for Jennifer, she’s put in this whole complicated picture to divert your attention. Have you wondered what had happened to her that made her who she is? What about her father? Perhaps there’s another life lesson to be learned from her story. I think what you are going through now is preparing you to become the woman whom your patriarchal blessing foretells—one whose decision will affect the lives of many women. You are no ordinary person, Fei, the Lord is preparing you.