A blog about blogging - or the lack thereof.

The mental stress of having a million things to do is getting the better of me. I haven't actually been doing anything, but just the thought of all that I need to get done is overwhelming.

My way of dealing with stress has always been by NOT dealing with it. Instead of getting fired up and crossing things off my list, I get into this lapse where I spread everything thin and drag time out longer by dropping everything and not doing anything at all.

My attention span is getting shorter and shorter by the minute. I have about 4 different drafts for posts that you probably will never see. I also realize that I haven't really opened up here for a while. For that, I apologize.

I remember always knowing exactly what I would blog about next. I would spend my quiet time at night looking for music to suit my mood or to help me feel so I could figure out exactly how I was dealing with things. In those moments, I would meditate over my life and let those thoughts translate into words - words that I would later publish on here after letting them play in my head over and over again.

I haven't really done that lately. One of the biggest reasons is because I've been trying to keep that positive vibe going on my blog and have been worried about boring my readers with posts like these. It probably does, but it shouldn't be something that I need to worry about.

Another reason would be because so many things have been happening lately that I haven't been allowed to sort my feelings out on one thing before it does a 180 degree turn on me. Like all that goes on with my parents, for example - I've learned that everyday is a new day and that I just need to go on doing what I'm doing without letting it affect me too much. It's been tough enough keeping you posted on the events, imagine the challenge of having to keep up with my feelings. These past few weeks have been one roller coaster ride after another and I am still trying to catch my breath.

On the one hand, I am really, really happy. So much so that I would be perfectly content just staying right here and living this week over and over for the rest of my life. Not that I want to actually stay here forever without ever leaving for college, it's that I love where I am right now. My relationship with Mom is the best it's ever been (Bro. Cragun commented on how he loved seeing the two of us together at church - really, we almost look like a cute newlywed couple), things are getting alot better with me and Dad (we had a conversation about something besides work or school the other day, it was GREaT), they've eased up some, they called the separation off, I'm keeping myself busy with good things, I have the awesomest friends HERE who I am reluctant to leave, and I am getting past my breakup and overcoming (for the most part) the lonliness of being single.

It's more than all that though. What makes right here and right now such a good experience is the HOPE that underscores everything I do. I really lost it for a while and I didn't realize then what a devastating thing it was for me. Not that it's a terrible curse to stay here. I have so many good things going for me (I finally decided that I had to live here instead of somewhere else), and I don't want my amazing friends here to think that I'm asking for more than them (because they are absolutely the greatest). Yet somehow, I have associated moving to Hawaii with millions of possibilities for growth and getting on with my life (and yes, being able to date again plays a big part in this).

I feel terrible admitting that I feel would somewhat stranded if I were to stay here forever. I really don't want to come across as a snob who thinks she's too good to live here (I am afraid that I really am that). I really love it here now, I do, but it did take a while. At the same time, I know that I don't need to justify myself for wanting more. I know that I am not the only one who feels that way. Su felt that as she was waiting to leave for Hawaii. Just this week, Mom has expressed to me her longing for a change and I feel sorry that her obligations as a wife and a mother are holding her back.

Some people are blessed to be perfectly contented with what they have and are baffled by people who ask for more. And then there are others who look at everything as a stepping stone and are constantly on the lookout for more. I think I am learning that I fit in that second group. I wonder if I get it from my Mom.

I'm still not sure how to categorize myself. I know that I am quite adaptive and get comfortable easily (which is why it's so hard to leave here again) at the same I also get restless. After a couple of semeseters at BYU Hawaii even, *gulp* I started thinking about moving on to a bigger school where I wouldn't ever run of new people to meet. I guess I haven't lived life enough to figure that out yet.

What I do know is that I've spent my entire life trying to figure out where I belong. I never really fit in anywhere. There's the religion, and the sheltered environment which I had grown up in (I've always been the old-fashioned kid), and then throw in a little culture - which I am still trying to piece together - and you have one confused kid. I think most of it has to do with the way I view myself. I look at myself as someone who is unique so no matter what I do, and who I'm with, I will never feel like I fit in completely. Maybe I don't want to. I don't know yet.

I wonder how much of it was self-made, you know. For example, I wanted to be American and I've fooled myself into believing that it's who I am now. I've always disliked people who worship the white skin - you know the people who kiss the butts of every white person that comes by, but in the end, that's exactly what I do or did. I really don't know. (That will be ethed on my gravestone one day: "I don't know".)

It's a pride issue with me, I think. I always had a slight prejudice towards people who didn't speak English as well as I did (over here, English is like a gauge for social status and education). Well, then I guess the whole problem was me thinking that I was better than everyone else? As usual, I am battling myself trying to figure out what the RIGHT thing to think is. I wish someone would just tell me, you know. At the same time, I'm not sure if I'd listen if they did. In fact I'm sure that I wouldn't.

I mentioned before in an earlier blog about how I would always belong to my family - that still holds true and it's great to be here with them. Jared mentioned something about making our own families so we would belong somewhere. Sounds really scary if you ask me. Yet, I know that my constant search for that special someone is driven by the need to belong. I suppose it's easier to be accepted by one special person than it is to try to fit into a whole group of stereotypes, if you get what I mean. Also, there's something in the love that you develop in a romance that is all-encompassing. There are few feelings more wonderful than knowing that you belong to someone and that they belong to you. I have yet to experience that to a deeper extent but I am looking forward to it.

If anything, though, this break from school and being shuffled back and forth between countries / cultures has been a good learning experience for me. I didn't really understand how very Malaysian Chinese I was until I went to America. And then coming home, I've had to really figure out who I really am and to fit back into my own culture. I haven't completely let go of the American in me because, well, I'm proud of it.

Whenever we study works of literature or movies for school, we always have to analyze the underlying theme. Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen: this is what will underscores all the challenges I face in the future. Not sibbling rivalry, or my parents' marital affairs, nor my own relationships. Those come and go but my culture is and will be my challenge in life. Yet, the struggle to find out who and what we are as well as where we belong are challenges that all of us have to deal with at some point or another in our lives.

It's good to know that I'm not alone.

As the this blog was meant to be about blogging, I think I understand slightly better now why I love blogging so much. I've created a world of my own where I will always belong. And by reading this, you have become a big part of it.

Thank you.