Just me and my shadow...

and the hundred million other creepy crawlies stuck on her. Ugh.

Jasmine (that's the dog I'm baby-sitting in this house) has ticks! I've been spending the last couple of evenings in ambitious attempts to hunt them all down and squish them.

"Jasmine, hold STILL!"
"Ooooh ohhh l, I got it!"

I don't know where to find any alcohol, so I pull them out, one by one, folding them into a piece of tissue paper then hammering my high heels onto them. *SQUISH* Blood everywhere.

Almost as fun as popping bubble wrap.

"Ughhhh.... I think I found a huge one!"

"Oh wait... heh, oops. That was just your nipple."

A humbling visit.

I went visiting teaching with the Reddishes again today. The last one on our list: Lily.

We always have to try extra hard to see her. We have to go just at the right time because she doesn't have a phone so we can't contact her to set an appointment beforehand, we just stop by sometime after 6 and hope that she's home from work. We also can't go when it's raining because that would mean that we would be ankle deep in water. It floods there whenever it rains. "It's ok, Sister," she always says. "We cannot complain, we have a roof over our heads. That is enough." Their little TV is the greatest luxury in their lives.

My brother Ray has been there and he knows her place as "the wooden house with no doors". She lives in the ghetto. Big time. I didn't know places like that still existed in the world - much less in my own city (ok, so we ARE a 3rd world country...) Her daughter Allisanne (I don't know how you spell it, but that's how it's pronounced) is as skinny as a stick and always sick with something. They take in stray dogs and have a million of those poor diseased and flea bitten mongrels. I got to meet the latest addiction today, a tiny black puppy about the length of my palm. They need to stop feeding those dogs. Then again, maybe they don't. They are just bone and skin and I swear they only look as big as they do because of all the fleas stuck on them.

Lily can't come to church because she lives too far away and the only form of transport she could use is a taxi: but that's too expensive. We used to have a small group meeting in her area on Sundays, for the express purpose of catering to people like her but the group kept shrinking and everyone moved away so we had to close it. *sigh*

Lily called me May again today. The first time I met her was nearly three years ago. Pre-Hawaii. I went out proselyting with the sisters alot in that area then. Lily called me May then, she calls me May still now. I didn't think she remembered me.

She was saying today about the sisters who are now home from their missions (I need to kick them and tell them to write her) that she just feels so much pain when someone you love leaves so much so that she doesn't want to love anyone like that again.

I told Lily that I might be leaving for Hawaii in 3 weeks. I felt so guilty, talking about college and travelling. She was so happy to talk about Hawaii and the "huge sumo-wrestler people" there... she talked about American girls and their blonde hair and blue eyes and how wearing contacts can turn you blind... and Elizabeth Taylor. One day when I'm rich, I will look her up and see if she still needs help to take a vacation to Hawaii. I told Allisanne to study hard so that she could get a scholarship and go to BYUH like me.

Sister Reddish shared the spiritual message. It was about feeling the love of the Lord through obedience. What can you teach someone who is teaching us so much? We just felt so inadequete. I was asked to say the closing prayer and I wanted to just demand that God pick them up and move them out of that place! They are developing the area and will demolish those squatters soon, moving the tenants to Government low-cost housing. Last time, they told us 2005, this time they said 2006. I'm so frustrated that I can't do anything about it!

I asked for Heavenly Father to watch over them and to bring them peace and comfort. I prayed that Lily would remember to turn to Him for strength in her time of need. I feel a little angry in a way that she has to go through all that while I'm here complaining that the air-conditioning is too cold.

We can't compare trials, I know. I just feel so weak in comparison. I admire her. I will never figure out how she does it.

I'm blessed because I will never have to experience such extreme poverty. If that's supposed to be a good thing, why don't I feel happy for me?

Visiting teaching. Who does the visiting, and who does the teaching?

A Freudian slip maybe?

I was just checking out my Live Journal user info (yes, I have an LJ account - but just so I can post comments without it showing up as "anonymous") and was looking through my interests list to see what I was telling people about me.

"...internet relationships, jazz, jetskiing, law and order, long-distance phonecalls, love making, friends, math..."

[does a double take]

"LOVE MAKING???!!!"

Then I realize it said "long-distance phonecalls, love, making friends, math..."

And for a minute there I thought that I had a wild side...

Happy (?) Anniversary to me.

Again.

I got an email from Jared today wishing me happy anniversary. We broke up a year ago, March 29 Sunday. A whole year since we officially pulled the plug. Of course, we didn't REALLY break up till much later.

Guess what though - I completely forgot!!! The last time I checked the calendar which was my journal last year was nearly 2 weeks ago. And that was after a long break too. I was worried that I had missed the anniversary and was relieved that I hadn't even gotten to my first hickey anniversary yet. I made a mental note to check back again so I wouldn't forget.

But I did! And I'm glad I did. It's a good sign, I think. At least I've gotten over ONE relationship. It's amazing how I don't even feel regretful after being reminded or really nostalgic or anything. Maybe I've just become numbed. Heck, I've been so wrapped up in all these issues around here lately, I've hardly had time to think about Mark.

You know, the end of the Jared Anniversaries bring the beginning of the Mark ones. Those only last for 3 weeks. It will be harder to miss those dates. Especially since they are all around my birthday. We hooked up ON my birthday in fact. But we'll talk about that, maybe, when the time comes.

I still can't believe it's been a whole year. I haven't even matured one bit but have taken 200 steps backwards instead. I'm single again and marriage is waaaaaaaaaaay in the future. And I live on the internet. Like I did when I was 16.

Way to grow.

Who needs me where?

I remember now that when I was planning to return to Hawaii for Spring, I had Su in mind because I know my sister would need me there. Zui and her are going to break off completely at some point and she was looking forward to having me there for her instead.

When I was told I couldn't go, the first thing I thought about, honestly, was my sister. The news about the separation and me being held back got to her at the same time. She was extremely disappointed.

Now there's Mom and there's Su. Where do I fit into all this?

This whole thing hasn't been about me for a while now. I've gotten used to disappearing from the picture and just fading into the background, pushing Hawaii into the distant future. Now that I have to make a choice (do I really?) I don't even know what I want anymore.

Boy, I can't wait for my mid-life crisis. *snicker*

All confooooosed

Dad asked me today when my flight to HI was supposed to be. April 18th, I told him.

He told me to get my visa and the visa application for my stopover in Japan ready.


O-K. *long pause*


If this is his way of telling me that I'm still going, I don't know what to think. Not that I ever do, but my reaction to this news is almost as if it's unwelcome.

Why did it have to wait till I started planning to be here for at least another 3 months, getting a job lined up for me and getting completely involved in the planning of the Single Adult Convention at the beginning of May?

I'm also afraid to believe that he means it, as usual. It's so easy to pull it back again. Like Jared's analogy with Charlie Brown going to kick the ball. (I think that's what it was, I forget) What about Mom? I can't just desert her when she needs me here.

I've wanted so badly to go back to Hawaii and I would like to leave, but I'm not sure if I should. It wouldn't hurt me to stay a little longer... will it make a huge difference? I want to go to Brian's wedding and see Cori before she transfers to Provo, see all my friends again before they leave for the summer... at the same time, I've gotten so comfortable I almost don't want to leave home again.

Now comes the fork in the maze. WHERE IS MY MAP? Someone, anyone, tell me what I should do now!

Dearest Fei,

Just want you to know that I have read your blog only today after a long absence. This is so hard for you. I am sorry. I guess I’m just too tired of the whole roller coaster ride. I don’t want to further burden you. But I realize that there is a kind of influence that we feel around us that we don’t feel with our normal 5 senses. And you can feel things for me without me telling. So whether I say it or not, you will still feel the weight on my shoulder. And it does affect you. I think I owe it to you to explain myself.

My visit with President Larkin (our mission president) didn’t really make me feel overly excited about how this thing is going to end. He had mentioned many positive things about what he saw, but strangely, I didn’t feel excited at all. I spent most of the time listening to his counsel and advice. Many of which I already knew. I know with a surety now that what I expect of my husband is standard requirement for a righteous husband who holds the priesthood. I was told to be more resolute in my decision. I know I couldn’t live with less and there’s nothing that I can do to change him. The only thing I can change is myself. I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do in the past. But I was going the wrong direction. I tried to change my thinking, which I thought was what was wrong with me, according to dad. Dad made me believe that there’s something wrong with me. That what I expected of him does not exist. However, President Larkin’s short sermon on the purpose of life and how a natural man can never walk back to God, re-enforce my belief that I am doing the right thing. There should have been no reasons for me to doubt my husband had he not been doing what he did. I need not change my thinking. But I have to change my way of handling the problem. I was told to back up and let dad have his own room to think for himself. He had been reminded and warned by President Larkin of the adverse eternal consequences of making this separation final. He forewarned us (in separate meetings) that divorce would see its negative impact on the family 15 – 20 years down the road. He had seen enough to foretell the dooms. He assured me that dad knows in his own heart what needs to be done in order to keep his family together. Eventually, he will have to make that decision to walk that strait and narrow path himself. Nobody can make him change except himself. So you can see now why I didn’t feel very excited. How can one be when one sees dooms looming ahead? Our eternal destiny hangs on the choice that one man will make but I cannot help him choose. Dad cannot shun that responsibility he has over us. Teaching his family to find happiness, independent from him, is contrary to the Lord’s intention for eternal families. He has to lead with righteous example. Meanwhile, what do I do with the family? Am I to take the lead? I wish he was really out of our lives then I don’t have to worry that I am “holding the ark of the covenant” without authority.

Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is that whatever choices we make as an individual will have eternal consequences to the people around us, especially those with whom we have eternal relationships. We can only hide things away from mortal beings but the eternal laws that govern the universe will reveal them in its own time. “God is great, time will tell” is what your grandma used to say. And I believe that my choice to remain faithful to the sacred covenants that I have made in the Temple of the Lord will bring me the promises that He thinks are rightfully mine. In my limited knowledge, I find no eternal hope in divorce, especially when it involves a Celestial marriage with 6 children born under the covenants. However, I am not the one with the power to make a difference here. The free agency that brings us happiness in this life can also bring us eternal damnation. We cannot force another to choose the path that we think is right. He has to make that choice himself. And the Lord, who can see to it that both justice and mercy be met, in all His wisdom, will not disappoint the obedient. I was promised that the Lord would bless me as long as I remain faithful. This is mentioned both in my patriarchal blessing and by President Whitaker. We may not have a choice for what happen to us but we do have a choice of how to face the things that happen to us. And God is not leaving us alone to deal with that. If we trust Him, we would grow from this. We do not know what the future will hold for us. But this much I know—that it is for our own good that we are going through this.

I want to assure you that I know that this life is only a small part of our eternal existence. What we go through today is but a very short moment. If endured well, the eternal course that we choose to take will bring us back to where our Heavenly Father is. If we made it back together, it would be wonderful. If dad were not there, it would be his loss and not ours, as long as we have taken the only path—the strait and narrow path.

So Fei, my dearest, be of good cheer. Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Are you joining me?

With all my love,
Mom

p.s. As for Jennifer, she’s put in this whole complicated picture to divert your attention. Have you wondered what had happened to her that made her who she is? What about her father? Perhaps there’s another life lesson to be learned from her story. I think what you are going through now is preparing you to become the woman whom your patriarchal blessing foretells—one whose decision will affect the lives of many women. You are no ordinary person, Fei, the Lord is preparing you.

My public life.

I am beginning to feel the strain of writing a public journal.

I really don't care what side of me my friends and parents see from reading this anymore. In fact, they end up seeing alot of good, surprisingly. Either way, it's not me that I'm worried about.

The problem with people I know reading this is that I can't post anything that will change the way they think about someone they know - in a negative way. I don't want this to turn into a place for gossip or back-biting. *sigh* What if it's true and I need to talk about it?

I suppose I do a good deal of complaining about my parents. I hope that I do enough to make up for that. I don't want anyone to decide that I have lousy parents from what I say about them, because I don't. Sure they're flawed, but they are the best parents for me and I don't ask for more.

No, this is a bigger issue. But I can't talk about it here. I don't want any of my friends to have to go through this ordeal of having to decide what to think and how to act around someone and trying hard not to pass judgement.

As an outlet, I tell people who are too far away to be involved. It's not the same though. They will naturally be on my side and not bother to protect the person I am conflicted about feeling anger towards. I don't want people on my side. I just want to be told what to think and how to feel by someone who sees both sides of the story like I do. Why is it that I am even so afraid of even FEELING the wrong thing?

I really wish I was capable of malice; that I could hate and not feel guilty about it. I can't and it's torturous. It would be so much simpler to hate someone with or without a valid reason.

In the end, I am fighting myself and questioning my every emotion. I have become my worst enemy.

Be still.

I nearly ruined my Sunday today.

Woke up too late to do my hair or makeup, drove home to get my lesson manual and to see if maybe mom needed a ride to church (bad move), used the ATM, pumped gas (I know, on a Sunday) went to church, rehearsal for an impromptu musical presentation, rushed to Jennifer's to pick her up. Got to church while they were saying the opening prayer (Bro. Cragun had filled in for me on the piano, bless him) and sat through the entire Sacrament meeting in a very bad mood.

I took out a lot of it mentally on Jennifer, blaming her for making me pick her up when I already had a million things to do. She's just an investigator and I hope she gets baptized but today I was wishing that she would just stop coming to church so I wouldn't have to pick her up anymore. It wasn't the poor girls fault though. She did tell me to let her know if I couldn't pick her up. I just don't have her number. It's such a small sacrifice, picking someone up for church (hey, the fact that she wants to be there is a big deal) but there I was complaining about it.

Tiffany one of my girls from YW gave a talk. I feel terrible now for not remembering what it was about. Elder Snow gave a good talk on parents teaching by example. The musical number went well, they sang a beautiful song, but I just wasn't feeling it. Jenny Lo spoke next. Oh my. When she started rambling about why she changed her mind and would accept polygamy under certain circumstances, I just about died. Laughing of course. Jenny is just a trip. She based the rest of her talk on a pamphlet. When she held it up, mom and I looked at each other: "the Divorce bug!" Her talk ended up being short, which was surprising. She didn't even mention her 3 Dalmatians once. Wow.

There was time left over and Bro. Andrews who was conducting read from somewhere some counsel about celestial marriages or something. He was the one who put the program together that way. I think that he had our family in mind. For some reason, I resent that. Mostly because I know that both Mom and that were thinking "See, that's your problem!" during those talks. Or maybe it's just me.

I went into Sunday school late because I was in the bathroom doing my makeup and hair so I would feel that I was somewhat prepared for Church. The lesson was on the allegory of the olive tree (Jacob 5) in Sunday school. Generally, I LOVE deciphering symbols and stuff but today my mind was wandering. I was stressing about the lesson I was going to give that I didn't prepare for and analyzing why I was in such a foul mood.

I had a good weekend. The trip to the park wasn't all I had hoped it would be, but it wasn't bad. Mom didn't do so well, and I feel really bad about that - but that's another story. I got a job, the party was a blast, my cake turned out well (yay for Duncan Hines), Jasmine is the greatest. But I was still in a bad mood at church (church, of all places - I love church!) when I could have felt really uplifted.

I think that I was just drained, both physically and emotionally. I had been kept busy with things non-stop since Friday and all that stress had built up. I have nothing against being busy, it's great. I am usually bored, so having stuff to do is a good thing.

You know how when you're facing emotionally trying times, you try to fight off depression by doing a million things at once so you won't have to deal with the pain. That's what I did this weekend. Not intentionally, but I did it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work. Not for me at least. I guess living out here instead of at home doesn't help either. I really feel now like I was trying to shove all the problems aside and leave them at home.

There have been a lot of issues that I've been needing to deal with but didn't have the time to sit down and sort out. Blogging is one of the ways I do that - hence this post. But I haven't had time for truly introspective blogs. Mom has been going through some stuff too, and I haven't talked to her about it. I don't know what the deal is now. One day, they announce that they are separating, and they confirm that the whole thing is over, another day they talk things out and end up going out for supper (that's their version of a date, I think), and then now Mom is back to being ready to give up.

I haven't talked to Mom about anything for a while now. That might be the problem. I didn't want to before, but it helped when we did. I feel that I'm missing out on some important details because Mom is trying to protect me from the truth, (the same way I am not posting every aspect of this whole ordeal here) and if that was the case, I'm not sure if I'm grateful or if I'd rather be told.

Whatever it is, I feel guilty that I am not home right now. I used to love being in college and away from home because I was free of all these problems. I am not home now, but I am in no way free. I suppress it, but I still carry it with me wherever I go.

To add to the confusion, I don't know what my standings are as far as BYUH is concerned. I don't know who does the parenting, I don't know what BYU H thinks. I don't know if I could get back to Hawaii in the Fall even if Dad finally let me go. Do I need to send them another application? The deadline was in February.

Ever since this separation (I say separation because I am so confused as to whether the term divorce is still appropriate) began, I have completely turned my focus to my family, worrying for my siblings and my mom so I wouldn't have to worry for me. In the course of trying to lose myself in the worry for others, I left my emotional welfare somewhat neglected. I need to thank those who checked up on me. It made me feel very pampered and I needed that more than I care to admit.

The issue here is that I forgot that I was dealing with a breakup at the same time. I had realized that I'd stopped thinking about calling Mark all the time and haven't even bothered to reply the last email he sent me. I figured it was a good thing because maybe I'm finally getting over this. I don't know if I am. I just know that I don't want to be over Mark yet. I want to have a name and a face to my longing for companionship and emotional support.

In all honesty, it's not hard to be over him. And I think I really might be. I've merely been afraid to admit it aloud for fear that it would hurt him. I am still lonely and I want more than ever to have someone to love. The difference is the realization that intimacy is what I long for, not him. He is wonderful and amazing and there will always be a void he left behind that no one can replace. However, it has been so long since I've been with him and a little while since we've last talked. I don't sit down on my couch recalling what it was like having him there with me anymore. I don't think of Mark sitting next to me in the car when I drive. I don't spend my whole day thinking about him anymore. I used to do that. I could just sit for hours thinking about the things we did. Now, I simply don't remember what it was like and I am beginning to forget what he is like.

I want to talk to him now, to remind myself, so I can continue to love him - I am so afraid of letting go.

Whether I am ultimately missing Mark or just the relationship is immaterial. I can't do anything to fix it either way. In the end, I just miss something, whatever it is, and the feeling of loneliness is no different.

In the end, I'm just looking for someplace to invest my affection and something to hope for. I used to dream about returning to Mark and building my future around him. That changed. Then, I looked forward to returning to Hawaii, if not to see him, just to date again, go to school and move on with my life. I can't afford to look forward to that anymore. Just not worth the sense of loss I feel every time I get held back. I'd like to date here, but nothing's happening. Nothing will for a while. Putting dreams of my future aside, what happened to the dreams of my family’s future? I don’t know what to treasure anymore. I feel robbed, in a way. I’ve never thought to complain about my trials being unfair – others have gone through it long before I have, and more. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I have lost everything precious to me.

I know I haven’t REALLY lost it all. I realize that I still have my family – not the way I imagined I would, but I still have them (and who knows, maybe things WILL turn around – but I’m not holding my breath). My education is put on hold, not cancelled. As soon as I get to a place with enough LDS guys, I will be back to liking (and with my track record, and if I don’t become too jaded, dating) a million of them at once again.

Unfortunately, emotions have little to do with the reality of the situation. When I finally stop to feel, this is what I get and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to keep busy and focus on the happy things, but it still isn’t working. I can push it aside for a week, but it doesn’t go away. It just keeps building up and, on days like today, comes crashing down on me.

My Sunday ended on a better note. The lesson on patriarchal blessings didn’t go as bad as I had anticipated. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I gave a good lesson. I should have been prepared and it was irresponsible of me to have done that. However, the spirit was definitely there today and I needed that. We only had Tiffany in there today. I don’t know what she got out of the lesson, but it doesn’t matter much. That lesson was for me.

I was reminded of the bigger plan today. There’s something for me that I can’t see yet, I’m on the inside of the maze staring at these tall hedges. Right now, I’m not really at a place where I have/get to make any choices. No junctions yet. I just follow the course my past decisions led me to, trusting that whoever made this maze didn’t just create a whole bunch of dead ends (and anyway, hedges can be cut through when desperate). I can’t give up now, without seeing where this thing leads to. I have to trust that there’s something good at the end of this.

In a way, I’m lucky that I’m not faced with a whole lot of choices. The only decision I have to make now is what kind of experience I want this to be.

Where were you Saturday night?

You just missed out on the party of the century!

So there was no sex, nor drugs nor booze, not even enough charcoal nor forks, spoons or knives,(though we did eventually fix that) We did however have mild cussing (Loh, I had no idea!) half naked guys and girls (I love my new swimsuit!), beef, chicken, lamb, sting ray, fish, hot dogs, and an absolute blast!!!

I also learned a few things:

1) Lyanne's place is "so bloody easy to find."
2) Yong Seng should quit his job and his school to become a chef and patent his marinate.
3) Tej not only is good at fanning the flames of the barbeque, he is also HOTT without his shirt on.
4) Loh makes the pool look like the one for the kids.
5) Kheng Saik has hollow legs and likes his steak medium rare.
6) Li Siah has never been home later than her curfew of 12am.
7) Jeffrey and Li Siah have identical cell phones
8) Heather needs a map next time.
9) Duncan Hines is the greatest!
10) 7up "Ice" is SO GOOD!
11) Lyanne and Kheng Saik totally rock at guitar
12) I don't know how to use a lighter and I can't harmonize.
13) All of us are a bunch of idiots who never remember to take pictures.

Welcome "home".

No dog poop or wet floor or even torn up furniture to greet me.

Just a mad dash, a whole lot of tail wagging and a gazillion slobbery kisses.

Mmmm. She's here chewing on her bone beside me now. This is how I always imagined my single life would be: just me, my dog and a computer. *happy sigh*

Poor Jasmine, I wonder if I'm giving her too little attention. She's been chewing on that bone all day. I think I'll sleep downstairs on the couch tonight to keep her company instead of locking her back up (it's a pretty large room, but I still feel bad) and going upstairs to Rachel's bed.

I felt sorry for not spending time to catch up with Mom and talk to her about her night out. That's what tomorrow is there for, I guess.

Upon seeing all the bags I had packed into the car as she was sending me off earlier, Mom asked "Are you running away?"

Hehe. No mom. I'm like a turtle, I carry my house with me wherever I go.

Time for bed. A million and one things await me tomorrow. But tonight, I get to fulfill my dream of falling asleep to the companionship of a canine friend.

It's not all bad.

Even though I'm feeling stressed and paranoid right now, I had a good day overall. I actually meant to post about it earlier today but didn't have time. I guess I should have instead of having to talk about good things in hindsight while I am in a less than optimal mood. I'm hoping it will change as we go.

1) Thank you guys for all the support you've been giving me in everything. In big things like the divorce... and little things like the comments. I had way too much fun leaving a gazillion comments in a number of different blogs today. Don't you just love it when you and your fellow bloggies are all on at the same time?

2) Last Saturday, I went to the mall to buy some groceries and stopped by the music school to buy books for Ray (I teach him piano). The owner of the school (I don't know if you call them owners but it is a franchise) was there (of course, I didn't know it then) and was helping me find the type of books I had in mind. She asked me if I was new to the field (of teaching, I guess) and I had a short conversation with her about my past teaching expreience. Well, it so happened that they were looking for teachers and I ended up getting a quick job interview for piano-teaching. Wow, I thought.

The interview went really well. It was really informal and I guess one of my strengths is that I'm friendly and talkative. I've always done really well in interviews (too well. Sometimes I oversell myself). Unfortunately, there was one hangup. Not that I don't have teacher certification, or my diploma in music nor that my college education and the bigger part of my working experience has little to do with a career in music, or that I don't teach on Sundays (because it's the Sabbath) or that I really only teach ONE person now (my brother, Ray). It was that I couldn't give them any sort of commitment because of my own confusion as to how long I'm going to be here for. Teaching is a long term deal, ya know. I was disappointed, but it wasn't unexpected. I went into that interview rather reluctantly because I knew that I couldn't tell them what they needed to hear.

We did exchange numbers and I told her that if she needed a teacher to fill in for someone to let me know. That's how I taught piano before, I substituted my old violin teacher for 3 months while she was on maternity leave.

Well, I got a phonecall today at work - they need a teacher! WHOAH! They have a teacher who is a student and has to attend this course for 3 months. They were so desperate they asked me to teach TODAY and tomorrow. I'm like uh - this weekend is just REALLY bad. You read my list! She asked if I could cancel... I guess technically I could, but it just wouldn't be right. I apologized but promised to clear my schedule for the weeks to come.

They will be needing me from 4.30pm-9.30pm Friday, and 9.30am - 6.30pm Saturday. Bye-bye weekend. I have to give up babysitting for this too. That's the most painful. I feel like a total traitor. *sigh* I'm also going to miss out on alot of activities with my buds from now on. The things we do for money.

I don't know how much they are going to pay me yet, but for just 1.5 days worth of work (and FUN work too, it's going to be mostly little kids) it'll be alot more than I make now. Maybe I will be able to buy the digital camera I want after all (maybe pay my Dad for his... hmmm). The laptop will still be out of the question. Sheesh, not even one day on the job yet and all I can think about is how to spend the extra cash.

I'm REALLY excited about this. I love teaching. This also helps me continue to push myself as far as music goes, now that my formal lessons are over.

It's really amazing how all this worked out. It's really a huge consolation for being held back from college. More than that even. It's what I'm afraid of: that I will get so caught up with the money-making (oh, it's so lucrative!) that I will postpone my college education by choice.

Fortunately for me, the education goes along with my social life (and to some extent the hope of ever getting married) so that will always be my priority.

3) My teeth are straightening out, FINALLY! I've had braces since I was 16 - that's nearly FOUR years now! Granted, I didn't go to the orthodontist for 6 months while at college because I didn't want to have to come up with the $100 per month. But it's still a freaking long time. Rightly so though, my mouth was just a mess.

My orthodontist uses colored elastic bands but sometimes forgets to ask me what color I want. Most people rather have them clear so she assumes that I prefer that too - HECK NO! Colored bands are what makes braces so fun. It's really very frustrating sometimes - in a funny way. Instead of asking me what color I'd like, she'd ask "Clear ok?" only it comes out as more of a statement than a question. Somehow she plans it so that I have the suction thingy in my mouth or something to keep my mouth open and unable to talk so I usually just nod my head or something because it's easier than disagreeing and trying to tell her what I would REALLY like.

Sometimes, she doesn't even ask and the assistant picks the color for me and just hands it to her. I have now learned to wear a shirt in the color I want my bands to be to every appointment. Hehehe. I forgot today, but I lucked out and got offered blue - which is a nice color. I should remember to just tell her what color I'd like. They've never done anything cool with it like mix colors or anything. That's no way to live!

The bad news is that (if I understood what she said correctly - she mutters and that mask doesn't help) my wisdom teeth are coming out or something and I will need to get them surgically removed soon. I'm terrified at the thought. I haven't experienced too much physical pain before, being the sissy kid, I've never had stitches and the worst injury I've had was a hairline fracture on a knuckle.

I like to think that I deal with pain pretty good when forced to. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I really haven't experienced alot of pain or that I just don't remember experiencing alot of pain. I have a very short-term memory when it comes to pain. Physical or emotional. That's why I keep screwing up over and over. Hard to learn from mistakes that way, ya know?

Maybe sometime I'll write about all the things I find amusing about a visit to the dentist. But today, I'll just say that it's pretty weird when you can hear your orthodontist's stomach growling right by your ear.

SWAMPED!

I'm sorry for not having posted anything yet today, I have a million things to do and I don't have much time.

So, for starters, how about a list of what I need get done from here on to Sunday?

1) Babysit brothers (Mom went out with a girl friend from church today)
2) Make sure brothers do homework
3) Put them to bed
4) Pack
5) Go to Whitakers house (I'm house sitting for them till Wednesday)
6) Check on Jasmine (the gorgeous spaniel)
7) Clean up after her if she did poop in the room she was locked up in since 3pm today since I am tied down here with babysitting till Mom comes home
8) Settle in
9) Burn music CDs for Loh and Kheng Saik whose birthday bash we are throwing tomorrow evening
10) Browse through recipes
11) Make a birthday cake (I'm so pressed for time, I think I won't try anything new this time)
12) Go to agricultural park with friends Sat morning

I'm in the comittee for planning the Single Adult camp thing for church which is in May and so are the rest of my friends. We're going there tomorrow morning to check the place out so we can plan our events. The Young Women's and Young Men's camp will be held at the same time and same place so a WHOLE bunch of people from every comittee will be going, including my mom. I'm really excited, it's almost going to be like camp itself since all my friends are going to be there!

13) Pick Mom up from home first
14) Sack lunch
15) Walk my legs tired at the park (I hope we don't end too late!)
16) Prepare salad for party
17) Buy and scrub potatoes for party
18) Not forget to take barbeque utensils and foil, fire starters and candles from home to use at Lyanne's apartment for the party
19) DO NOT forget to bring swimsuit to party (having my stuff in 2 houses is just confusing me, I have a million details to smoothen out. The houses aren't too far away, but still, I can't drive back and forth just for stuff!)
20) Figure out where exactly I'm going to bake that cake. Buy ingredients first, maybe?
21) Drive to and look for Lyanne's place.
22) Oh. Ask mom for recipe on marinating the chicken. Make sure I have all the ingredients.
23) Have an absolute BLAST at our poolside barbie.
24) Prepare lesson for Young Women at church. It's on Patriarchal Blessings. 25) Try to locate mine. *guilty look* I'm hoping Mom is the one who has it.
26) Pick Jennifer up for church.
27) Don't forget to bring music "Consider the Lilies" so I can rehearse it with the Craguns. (They want to sing it for Sacrament meeting sometime and I'm their pianist, of course)
28) Teach a good lesson, socialize and have a good Sunday service.
29) Send Jennifer home.

*sigh* That girl needs to be more independant. She can't expect me to take her to and from church every Sunday when everyone else can take the bus. I'm one of those people who always offer people rides when I can, even if it's not very convenient. Now she asks me, I don't even have to offer. I have bent over backwards a couple of times now to give her a ride. I don't know if she realizes that.

She called during the week to ask for a ride to church. I said that was fine. The she called to ask for a ride back. "Sure, no problem." I had totally forgotten that I would be living just a couple of blocks from church and would have to drive back in the opposite direction (she lives close to our home) to pick her up. And then, I'd have to drive back there to send her home. But I'll need to drive to PJ (another suburb of the capital, about 40 mins away with light congestion) to have a comittee meeting for the camp thingy. Maybe Mom will help me out on that one. Darn. I don't want Mom to have to fill in for me. I'm always doing stuff like that.

I feel bad. I should be charitable and not complain like this. It's hypocritical of me. I need to learn to say no. I'd like to think that I'm nice enough to just freely give of my time and not care so I give of my time, trying to do the right thing but turn around and complain. Argh. Do I have a right to complain? Or is this just me being selfish?

Anyway back to the list.

30) Attend comittee meeting.
31) Freaking update my blog.
32) Write about all the stuff I've been meaning to: the separation status and my breakup (I've been thinking about that alot lately but haven't been able to write it all down)
33) Reply email from "Samuel Clemmens"
34) Check up on all blogs.
35) Write a gazillion comments on everyone.
36) Reply to comments on my blog
37) Bug Faith and Brian relentlessly

Eating and sleeping goes in there somewhere. I don't know when though.

Phew. Ok, so maybe I have way less than a million things to do - but I think it's cool that I ended on a prime number.

I'm tired. I want mom to come home now so Jasmine won't tear up the furniture in the room. I'm so worried about that. Can't mess up on my first day! My stuff is all pack in the car now, I took a shower, and am in my PJs. I feel like I should be getting all that stuff done but I'm not. I feel like I can't yet, like I can't do anything without mom coming home first.

I was really annoyed that I had to babysit my brothers today since we do have live-in domestic help. They wouldn't co-operate with me when I asked them to do their homework but my edginess didn't help at all.

Ernie and I ended up getting into this HUGE fight. I went bezerk, especially after he locked himself in my room (his room doesn't have a bolt anymore, no one's allowed to lock themselves in, really). It was terrible. I feel like such a bad sister now and am so worried that I will abuse my kids.

I managed to calm Ernie down in between by taking him for a walk, but as soon as he came home, Shuan and Ray just kept getting on his nerves and that made ME go nuts... domino effect. I threatened to tell Mom and I preteneded to call her and rat on him. Big mistake. I lied and told him that Mom was giving him a warning and he would get grounded for a month if he didn't do his homework. But he took that as being as good as grounded and started throwing chairs around and flinging books everywhere. It was then when he locked himself in my room.

I finally got him to open it. Asking nicely didn't work. I banged on the door and yelled and threatened. I think I was more possessed than he was. *sigh* So totally immature. I thought I had mastered the parenting thing already. Blah.

I finally shoved him out the front door and told him he could stay there until he was calm enough to come back in. I helped the other kids with their homework (they were so frightened that they actually WERE doing their homework, tee hee) during that time. An hour or so later, I went out to find a subdued Ernie lying down on the bench on the porch.

Some talking, apologizing and hugging and he was back in doing his homework.

I acted immaturely today and I am still kicking myself for it. I usually don't pay too much attention when Ernie gets into one of his tantrums. He usually calms down by himself. Today, I guess I was just realy mad that I had to be home instead of at the Whitakers like I had planned and took it out on all of them, making Ernie even angrier and for MUCH longer too. I made it personal. Good parents never do.

That's one side of me I hope you guys never get to see. I haven't been that agitated for a long time. I hope I never will again.

In the meantime, I'm still impatiently waiting for mom to come back but she needs this break. I should be more considerate. I'm always pulling crap like that on my family making them do stuff for me and fulfill commitments I'd made whilst I run off to do something else.

I just hope that God doesn't choose to punish me tonight and that He helped Jasmine hold it in and not get too antsy. Cleaning up after her is fine. Poop and pee I can deal with. I just don't know what I'd do if all the furniture got torn up.

Sorry this post was long and boring and a big mess. I'm typing this in a hurry and just off the top of my head. I don't usually do that. I often think through what I want to say ahead of time and go back and edit my posts.

Not tonight. I'm posting this tonight just for the sake of posting.

My Hail Mary.

Think I will get more comments if I changed the complicated

"(0) signs of life
(1) person cares! and
Faye's blog. Population (#)"

thingy to simply "Comments (#)" like most everyone else?

I think that some people really have no clue. I know that when I first read Faith's blog, I only noticed that she had a place for comments because I wondered why the number in the parentheses to "when (#) pigs fly" kept changing then clicked on it and I found out that it was a link.

And in one case, with Matthew's blog, I was so totally oblivious to the fact that the words "shout out" that he had at the end of every post was a link to a place for feedback.

It was only after the link didn't work anymore and I had to stalk him down to his new LJ (traitor!) after having sent him half a dozen emails to an account of his which didn't work anymore either when Jared told me about that. I feel so stupid now.

So, to play it safe and to keep you from totally missing out on the good stuff like I did, in green fine-print at the bottom of every single post is a hyperlink to a place for comments.

Also, on the sidebar to your left below the archives and above the poll (which only a few people bothered to vote on! And I swear some of you voted twice) there's a thingy that looks like a chat window... that's my shoutbox. You can leave messages there too. It's not a copy of a chat session I had somewhere else, hehe.

If you couldn't be bothered to leave me comments before, hey, pretend that you had no clue, leave me a message (or two!) and all is forgiven. Hehee.

Craving for comments

I'm sorry, this has been an issue with me ever since I made this blog comment-friendly.

I remember getting a couple of messages from Lyanne and a million of them from Mark, only they were all disguised as "anonymous". It got me all excited for the future of my blog. I thought, now maybe this place will become HAPPENING like all the other blogs I love to read.

Haha. No, false alarm.

I check my blog for comments way too often. Blogging is almost like email to me. I don't get personlized email very often (but for the record, Nathan is an AWESOME correspondant. I just need to write back now) so I check my blogs and other people's blogs for something to read and reply to.

I feel so pathetic. I can't believe that I'm making this petty thing an issue.

It seems that more people are reading what I write than meets the eye, but hey - where are the comments? Maybe I just post too many empty "what do you say to that?!" type blogs. GOSH! When will I ever stop worrying about what people think of me. I think the only reason why I bring myself to say "to heck with what everyone else thinks!" is because people like that attitude better.

Faith and Nathan, kudos to you guys for being such faithful readers. I wish there were more people like you out there. There's been a number people who have stopped by and told me "Your blog is so cool!" or something but they don't ever seem to come back again. I know this is absolutely neurotic of me but I tend to take that as "It's cool, but not worth coming back and spending all that time to read."

I don't mean to be ungrateful, but I would like more still. I mean, like when Faith is down and out, this blog seems so empty. At some point, Nathan will get busy (too many movies and TV programs to watch maybe? Hehe) And that will leave me 0 motivation to post.

Normal people don't write in journals for other people to read. This is so confusing. It's my journal, which means that I should write about how I feel regardless if anyone is reading or not, but at the same it's also my webpage... and webpages aren't fun to do without having an audience. I really need to stop worrying if my posts are too long or too short.

I always get so envious of people with this whole network of fellow bloggers and friends who get scores of comments to every post - and not from the same 2 people either. Maybe the problem is that I don't belong to a community of any kind...

Not to flatter myself, but I wish I had a reader like me. Someone to hang around my blog and wait for me to post something then be extremely supportive and dedicated in leaving comments etc.

The solution to this whole thing is simple. I just need to stop expecting people to be like me. Just because I have no life doesn't mean that everyone else doesn't. Just because I love reading long posts with itty-bitty details doesn't mean that everyone else does.

What you give isn't always what you get back. That's probably a good thing too. Sometimes.

Anyway, I'm going to stop this whining. I really didn't mean to talk about it so that I could get "pity posts" from you guys. I just thought I should write down how I honestly feel, even if it means that I'm going to look back and shake my head at my shallow-ness in a couple of days.

On a different note, I've been working on changing the way this blog looks. I don't like how my blog is so hard to read what with all the scrolling I make you guys do. There are all these cool free templates I've been browsing through for a while now and at the same time (because I don't want to do something so easy that anyone else can do) I'm also working on designing and building my own.

The whole hangup is that I can't decide on what color scheme to use. I keep changing my mind on how I want my blog to look like depending on what mood I'm in. Should I use lotsa blue for serenity, or dark and broody black, grey and brown... maybe maroon even... or should I stick to bright colors like orange, yellow... girly powder pink, purple, blue and green (sort of like this one?) WHAT?!

I can't decide. So I'm thinking about making skins that I can switch easily. But that's so much work! I need to stop biting off more than I am willing to chew. At this rate, my blog will be stuck looking like this FOREVER!

But at least I'll have something to work on forever besides over-posting.

Yeehaw!

*BLEEEEP*

I can't find the parody I wrote to Edgar Allan Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado"!!! I am SO mad! I was so dang proud of that story and now I can't find it. I'd probably thrown out the hard copy too thinking that I had saved it on my USB flash drive. Shoot.

[insert mad frenzy here]

On the other hand, I found my debate notes for the small kine debate I did for Eng. 201 in the Spring. In the book "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold (A book I HIGHLY recommend), there was a character who commited adultery. The debate was on whether or not her act was justifiable.

I, trying to be the devil's advocate as usual, chose to argue that it was. We won, of course. It's always easier to win with the less obvious stance. I did such a good job at rationalizing it I nearly had myself convinced.

It was especially fun to debate on such an issue in a church school. I can't wait to go back there.

I love controversy.

Bean there, done that.

I wish that they had sold T-shirts; I would have gotten one.

How was Rachel's pantomime, "Jack and the Beanstalk", you ask? Ok, so maybe you didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

It was just absolutely, postitively a GIGANTIC bean-bag full of FUN . I must like slapstick alot more than I care to admit. Drat.

I was glad to have found the Whitakers and sat down next to them. Well. At the end of the row of their family, at least. When the show started, Ethan and Andrew their children got up to sit on the floor in between the chairs and the stage with all the other kids. That left me sitting there with a bunch of Philipina ladies (probably the domestic help of a few families with kids performing there than night) and a couple of empty seats away was Zach (he's 17). I caught him smiling a couple of times when I looked over at him during the funny parts... but for the most part, he was either expressionless or painfully embarassed by the silliness of the play.

I was completely enthralled. It was perfect. They had an all 5th grader cast of every color, flavor, accent (it's an International elementary school) and acting ability. The show began with a leggy American female in clowlike overalls saying in a serious tone, "My name is Jack Trot and today is going to be the longest day of my life."

Her mother, Dame trot was played by a short Chinese boy (I did database entry for the Boy Scouts last year and I felt like I had known these boys having typed in all sorts of information about them but only seeing their face for the first time last night) who had a bosom stuffed to be 3 times larger than mine (not that hard to do). There was, of course, Daisy the cow, played by 2 Korean boys, which yielded milk in cartons and split up to Tango when the ocassion required.

Silly Billy and Foolish Freddie, Jack's brothers' appeared on stage everytime with a "Howdy y'all" and we'd have to answer "Howdy Billy, howdy Freddie" EVERYTIME. The kids loved it.

There were veggie faries and fleshcreeps (whom we got to boo everytime they came on stage or said anything mean) and King Arthur's sword in the stone which Jack pulled out to sharpen a pencil with, a spoiled king and his princess daughter whose friends would squeel "A GIANT?!" and would feign passing out at every mention of the word, villagers who were punished to dance the Macarena by the fleshcreeps when they couldn't pay their taxes... and of couse, who could forget, the vertically challenged Giant Blunderbore!

Then of course, there was Rachel who was so excited to be performing on stage, she overexaggerated every single dance move, kicking up her so hard as she danced you could nearly see the shorts she was wearing under her long skirt. She said her only solo speaking part "You mean the catapult, the one to kill the giant with?" perfectly, making me a very proud pretend big sister.

The music was just awesome. I nearly got up and danced a few times in between. I noticed a boy and a girl who were about 4-5 years old dancing in a corner everytime there was music. It was just so cute. I wish I could have just stood up and danced like they did. Technically, since a pantomime is interactive, it would have been totally acceptable to do that, but I would have been the only one. EMBARASSING! I just bobbed my head up and down and swayed from left to right in my seat. Zach looked over at me like I was weird. Hey, you would've done it too when they played "Hey ya" and that Kungfu-fighting cats song...

*sigh* It was a delightful evening. It made me miss my theatre experience so much.

I wish I had pictures but I didn't want to do that flash-photography thing you know. Maybe Pres. Witaker took some or Rachel will have some pictures from a shoot or something. I'll definitely post them here for ya if I do get my hands on some.

I have decided that when my kids go to school, I will be one of those moms who have their hands in everything and get involved in the fun stuff. No, my kids are NOT going to be homeschooled!

What sound am I?

(Not how sound I am or if I am at all)


Babie's laughter: Warm, kind and loving; a baby's
laugh represents you. You are very innocent and
enjoy the simple things in life. You are
probably very good with children and have a
positive, happy soul.

What Sound Are You?(now w/ pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


Darn. It's flattering and all - quite true, even - but I was hoping for rain, like Nathan got. Hrmph. I should have rigged the quiz.

And here you thought that I'd never post pictures of half naked people on my blog...

Mahana, you ugly!

WAAAAUGH! Pictures from Han's camera have finally been developed. These go way back to before I had come home from Hawaii (that was in July 2003!)

This picture had long since been forgotten:



Go Tahitian Noni!

p.s. I miss my long hair. *sob*

Divorce Counselling

That's what my parents need.

I have given up all hope of this ever working out. Mom is already out of his life, Dad tells her. Of course. She already has been for years now.

Out of the blue, Dad just decided to come home this weekend. Now he's moving things out of the house to his new place. Mom feels violated and rightly so. What are we left with? A house that doesn't even belong to Dad? Stuff that belongs to him that he can decide to take away any time he wishes?
It's not about the material things or money, like Dad accuses Mom of being after. It's just that we can't figure out where we stand in his life and where he stands in ours. We are at his mercy. The lines and boundaries haven't been set. To Dad, this is still his house. To Mom, we're learning to build a life without him, but he isn't letting us. He has his privacy, but we have none.

Parents are now upstairs arguing.

Mom is getting emotional again. *sigh* Dad feeds off people's weaknesses. It's his weapon. As long as mom is angry, he has the advantage.

In some ways, there is a tug of war going between my parents, and I am the rope. Not with custody. That will never be an issue. Dad has never been around enough for the kids. I think he wouldn't want to be too tied down either. I'm already 19 anyway.

What they seem to be tugging at are my feelings. Subconciously, they are trying to win me over to their side. Mom has the tendency to do that. Of course, she needs emotional support and I am willing to give as much as I can to her. At the same time, I don't want to have to comletely be against Dad because regardless, I still love him very much.

I don't know why Dad wants me on his side but he will tell me about how Mom is always trying to accuse him and how I should never be like that etc.

Please don't make me choose sides.

I have grown so close to Mom. We had a good talk last night and it was nice to talk about how we both felt. I wish Dad would have listened in on all our conversations. He doesn't bring out the best in Mom (he doesn't want to) and he gets a completely different side of her so much so that she is never able to express herself around him. If he could just see the strength she has and how much she wants to do the right thing.

I also wish I could know what was going on in Dad's mind. That way, I could really know what to think, and not assume things. Really, I just want to have something positive to think about Dad.

Mom is trying hard to talk to Dad, but Dad doesn't want anymore nagging. I see it from Dad's point of view, too. She keeps bringing up the other woman (women) and problems that have contributed to this whole ordeal. But see, that's the exact reason why Dad decided to end the marriage, to escape having to deal with all of that. To end all the arguing. However, I understand Mom's need for closure. Mom wants something from Dad that he just can't/won't give. I'm not sure what it is. I think it's either a confession or an apology.

Mom still loves Dad so very much. I wonder when Dad stopped loving her.

There will always be finger-pointing, accusing and blaming from now on, no matter how far down in the future, someone, if not us, will hold one or the other responsible for the separation. And both are desperately trying to shed the blame.

I don't wish for my parents to get back together anymore. It gets more and more impossible everyday. I just want them to put the marriage behind them and move on. Truly. Even if that means that Dad will never be back here in this house again.

I shouldn't think about this too much. In the end, I am just an observer, powerless as to how this story ends.

It just seems so unfair that Dad is the only one in control.

The perfect word.

Muted. This whole situation is just muted.

And I have found an amazing way to turn the volume of my feelings off.

How do I feel?

I don't want to talk about it!

I'm just getting a little tired of being asked about how I'm doing. Oh no no no no. Before you feel bad about it, I appreciate your concern, I really do, don't let that stop you.

It's the hardest when Mom wants to talk to me about it. I'm telling everyone that I'm just great. And on the surface, I really am. I'm just trying hard to convince myself of that. As long as I don't address the problem, it won't exist in my world. How I wish that was true. I cursed in my blog. Ok, so it was minor but if that's not a sign that not all is just going great, I don't know what is.

This separation blurs in with my confusion about what's going to happen to me: when or if I will return to Hawaii. Mom and I talked for a little while yesterday and she commented that I am caught in this predicament. She pointed out that their problems began about the time mine surfaced and that instead of having to deal with it, they focused their attention on me (my internet problems and all them pedophiles). I don't really know what to make of that. I'm partly angry at myself for being an easy target (been a scapegoat all my life and rightfully so) at the same time, it was nice to have someone explain it to me. To have mom notice and to understand more about what's going on than I do is somewhat reassuring.

I talked to Matthew (ex-boyfriend) earlier this week because I needed to talk to someone about it. His parents had divorced not long after he had left for college in DC. Dad had been cheating on his mom for years. I thought that if anyone could understand, he would. I hadn't talked to him since November - didn't realize that it had been that long. I feel a little guilty for putting him through this all over again and for using him when it was convenient. He's still very much in love with me (I don't understand it!) and for me to talk to him and even have a good conversation (the first we've had in a year) then leave him again not knowing when or if he will ever hear from me again was just plain heartless. When will I learn to just let people heal?!

Anyway, back to what I was talking about. Matthew and I are different: he hasn't talked to his dad since. The issue with my parents began (or at least surfaced) just a few months before I met him. I would always struggle with understanding why he was so unwilling to forgive his own father. I saw things differently, and still do. I just refused to be hurt, I guess, and my way of doing that is just to forgive everyone. I don't know how that works yet. Still piecing it together.

Matthew mentioned something that struck me - which is why I brought him up in the first place. He said that the root of all the problems was the infidelity (of which either I don't have sufficient proof of, or am in complete denial of having proof of). I argued and said that with or without, there would still be trust issues and communication problems. I'm really not sure anymore.

But see, this is why I don't want to talk about it. Having to come to terms with the fact that my parents aren't all I make them to be is hard. The only consolation I have is that my parents have a valid reason to go through this. Not just some petty disagreement. This is something concrete. How sad it is to find comfot in that.

This evening when I tried to use the phone, I found that the line was being used for dialup. I was using the Internet downstairs the last night when Mom wanted to. She must've switched phone lines and not switch it back to the line we usually use for faxes and the internet.

That meant either Han was online (not something he does alot) or Mom had left it that way by accident. I tried to get into Mom's room where the computer is but the door was locked. When I finally got him to open the door, Han (13-year-old bro) denied being online. I checked the phone line and it was fine. Hmm, strange.

I made a quick phonecall, then on a hunch, dialed the regular internet line - busy. I thought as much. Went back to mom's room - door locked again.

*sigh* There are only 2 other people that use(d) the internet behind locked doors in this family and I being one of them, I think it's safe to say that it is NOT good.

I told confronted Han and told him that I was on to him. If he wanted to go on the internet (even though I am unsure of what the rules are regarding permission and such with mom - and incidentally, who do we ask for permission these days?) that I didn't care as long as he did it in a public area and NOT in the room alone with the door locked.

I worry so much. All major problems in this family have sprung from that. I wish he would get that. At the same time, I feel so hypocritical. I'm the worst example. I can't say too much because he will throw it right back at me and I will be left speechless. I don't even know how to tell mom - which is why I'm chickening out and doing it here. I'm not his parent so in essence I'm not the one having to deal with this. Thank goodness.

So how am I doing? I'm alright. There are great and terrible things going on at the same time but I've given up complaining and waiting for something better to happen. I'm just going to make the best of what I've got here.

When I'm willing to face my feelings, I feel just a little overwhelmed. I can deal fine with all that's going on now. I wish it wasn't so much at once sometimes, but there's alot of other stuff compensating for that.

The only thing that really scares me is the future. I'm only 19 and can expect to have a much longer time to live. People don't face their worst challenges in their teens. I mean they face alot and the confusion is just horrible, but the worst challenge ever is yet to come. That means that after I get through this, there will be more - worse trials - ahead. That's what overwhelms me.

I'm sorry. My thoughts have been scattered and my writing incoherent. It's late and I'm getting distracted by the TV. I can't be bothered to read what I just wrote so forgive me if I make no sense.

I'm not in the right frame of mind for this. I'm blogging about the thoughts and feelings I've had lately, not the feelings I have now because in all honesty, I'm back to feeling nothing. Again.

Progress!!!

I always spend about 20-30 mins talking to Rachel before tucking her in when I babysit every Friday night since she's 12 and bedtime is later for her. She mostly talks about the pantomime she's in. She always has ONE thing (and one thing only) that she talks about. Pantomime (or Panto for short, she reminds me) is the latest thing and has gone on for a couple of months now. Before that, it was recorder, before that was soccer, and before that was David Kono the guy she likes in school.

It's not always fun to listen to her talk about the same things over and over again but I'm getting really excited about the relationship we're developing because of it. Just last week, we sort of made a pact to be sisters to each other. She's the only girl in her family and wishes for an older sister. I've always wanted a little sister (ok, so I have one and she's just AWESOME but sometimes I feel like she's an older sister - being a year apart and all, ya know?) Plus, says Rachel, we're both Chinese and Mormon. Perfect. =)

Today, I helped her with her pimple cream (as if I know anything about getting rid of acne) and talked her into showing her teeth when she smiles because it's prettier. Her parents are getting her braces soon.

We also talked about her adoption a great deal. The Whitakers adopted her while they were in China (he works for the American Embassy) and well, I guess she's never addressed the issue around them. You know, stuff about her biological parents, why they "got rid" of her. I did my best explaining She expressed a desire to learn Chinese and I think that's just awesome. It'll be a great way for her to really discovering herself. She also wants to recycle. I hope she talks to her parents about all that. I've been meaning to talk to Sister Whitaker about stuff but I don't know how to get around to it. I've talked to her about some things but I don't want to come off as telling them how to do their job or something you know. They are great parents. It's just that with 5 other kids, some things fall through the cracks. I'll work up the nerve on Sunday.

Rachel will be performing in the patomime "Jack and the Beanstalk" as the villager on Monday and Tuesday. I just got my ticket for Tuesday today - I'm so excited! Would it be too much to get her a lei or a bouquet for her one line in the performance: "Do you mean the catapult?" (and for being in charge of 3 props: the daisy, the barrel and one other thing I can't remember). I don't want to embarass her or anything.

"You act like a parent," Rachel commented tonight, "You should be one." Wow. You think? Is it sad that I take that as a HUGE compliment?

And then one day, it clicked!

Nevermind all the other negative things I think about Dad everytime I have to be around him now. I will not acknowledge those thoughts here so as not to feed my anger and resentment towards him. I don't want to be ingrateful - nor turn into a lesbian that hates all men or something. No, the seperation has nothing to do with this.

Although, on a side note, Dad technically moves out today. He is at home packing his bags as I speak. I think he just found a room/apartment in this building. I don't know which I'm upset about more, that he is moving out and that we can't expect to have him come home at night anymore or that he will be so close to the office and will be able to stop by at unpredictable times.

This is conflicting. I am doing everything I can to avoid my Dad and at the same time wishing for him to stay home so we can see more of him. Well, at least I know I love him. Like is the next thing to work on.

Back to what I intended to post about: I finally figured out what it is that I've been struggling with lately. All these issues with my Dad and not wanting to work for him etc. This started way before this whole nightmare began and I just figured it out today. I realize now that I'm really only dealing with a generic teenager issue: I just really wish that my Dad would be proud of me.
Simply that he would see me as more than a failure, or a major repair project.

And I thought that I was going through unique problems this whole time.

The one good thing about this separation is that my parents no longer need to argue. No, no. Instead, my Dad yells at me.

All I know is that I need a Dad, not a boss. And Mom needs a husband, not a therapist.

*sings* I'm so vain...

...I even made this blog all about me.

This morning, I finally recalled that I had a drawer full of makeup and decided to use some to go to work, for a change. I usually only bother with makeup on Sundays for church because:

I don't need it.

Heh. No. The real reasons are:

1) I can't be bothered
2) I may look better with it on to start with, but it melts then it's all ooky and I look better without.
3) Makeup isn't kind to my skin. Breakouts. I hate them.

I had some extra time to get ready today since school is out and I don't really have to be out the door by a certain time and I think it's safe to say that I went crazy with the eyeliner and ended up going to work bearing a striking resemblance to Captain Jack Sparrow (all I needed was a moustache - and that cool accent - and I could've fooled you)

So I may have overdone it, but I sure as heck felt pretty. I was also reminded of my last Youth Conference in 2002 (I was 17, turning 18, then). We all got these name tag thingies and they put "Fei Min" on mine. I mean, put Fei on there and that's fine. But I NEVER introduce myself as Fei Min (people who call me that learned my name from somewhere else, not from me) My dad calls me Fei Min when he's angry. Bad association.

Anyway, I flipped the paper with my name printed on it around and did this:



Oh, heck no! I am also the makeup artist, hair-stylist, lighting technician, photographer AND model in my very own webcam photoshoot!





I told you I was vain. Hey, don't look at me funny - I know you pretend to be Mr. Universe in the bathroom mirror!

Pinch me!!!

I forgot to wear green today. *gasp!*

The silver lining

It's ultimate TV night!!!! WOOHOO!

Law & Order SVU, American Idol, Judging Amy, Zoe Busiek: Wild Card... no phonecalls after 7.30, PLEASE. I'm all booked!

The trick is to learn to like EVERYTHING so you will have something to look forward to every single night.

*sigh* What a great life.

I hate working for my Dad

I'm used to getting yelled at for making slip-ups at work I deserve most of it. That's fine. But it's worse now. I hate being an easy target to direct frustration.

"I totally understand you, I totally understand mom"

Bullshit.

Abnormal normality.

You would have thought that everything was just fine at home today. I stayed at the office for as long as I could (since Dad wasn’t there) so I wouldn’t have to come home and face reality. I was relieved to find that things had cheered up some. Except for the fact that we had to talk about the dreadful D word when we finally called Su to tell her about it and we sang “I am a Child of God” instead of “Love at Home” like we ALWAYS do for the opening hymn at family home evening, a casual observer would not have noticed that anything was amiss. Dad was in a jovial mood. Kids were playing together as usual (more than usual in fact: I love the holidays!) Mom’s eyes were still red and puffy though. They will be for a while.

It was strange saying family prayer too. I usually give thanks for being able to gather as a family and ask for peace to abide in our home… I could still say that – probably should more than ever – but it’s just awkward. We’re still discovering what this decision means.

It’s probably a good thing to be aware of the subtle changes that are happening in the home. Ignoring it completely would be denial and a bigger blow will hurt us more. It’s healthy to acknowledge it, I suppose, however painful.

In the meantime, I am laughing a lot. I mentioned this before, but I think it got worse today. I don’t mean a good kind of laugh. I’m finding more and more things hysterically funny to the point where it’s become difficult to control my laughter. It’s the sort of laughter that is meant to be disrespectful and an outlet for my severe bitterness. It scares me. I am afraid of coming out of this whole episode cold, unfeeling and cynical.

I must resist. This will affect every member of our family in everyway. I cannot let it affect me like this. Pain is infintely better than resentment.

The picture on the left is too happy. But I'm going to leave it there.

That's me in denial.

Fam<-->ily home evening.

How are we going to do it tonight?

Now I know why I never liked a banana split.

It wasn’t the banana part after all.

There’s just too much to say I don’t know how to get it across. I’ll do my best. It’s so sad that my first reaction is to type something on the computer.

I’m not deeply affected. I’m too numbed for it. I was prepared anyway. I was prepared from the time I was 16. I’m crying, but not as much as I thought I would. Mostly, I find every little thing funny. I must be over compensating.

Remember back when getting held back from school felt like the end of the world? I don’t know what could feel like that anymore. Nothing surprises me. My sensitivity for pain has decreased 100 fold since.

If you look back, you can always find those crucial moments like a switch in train tracks, when one turn leads to a whole new course. I’ve just had one of those days filled with millions of those crucial moments and the sum of them all will lead to different track and the pursuit of different dreams.

Last year, when Dad went to the US for business for 3 months straight, Mom was telling Su and I that she felt something big was going to happen. I trust mom’s “feelings”. She has this extremely scary accuracy rate when it comes to predicting things – bad things usually.

There were rumors being spread about my uncle selling the house we live in (he owns it) so we thought that we had to move. I guess not. We thought maybe Dad would make a huge break in the US and we had to move there. Hasn’t happened yet. I was terrified, imagining losing my Dad to some horrible plane crash or something. He is home now, safe and sound.

Dying in a plane crash would have been better. There would be less hurt involved.

Today after family scripture study, Dad announced that HE has made a decision. My parents are going to split up.

It didn’t come as a blow. Last night, I overheard their argument while replying Matt’s blog about friendships and relationships (how ironic, I talked mostly about marriage). As if that wasn’t enough, they came downstairs (Mom headed for the kitchen looking for a knife to stab herself with– so that’s where I get it from – and Dad rushing after to stop her) and I got to sit at the computer and be right in the middle of mom’s hysterical cries and dad's “calm, emotionless” replies which were progressively increasing in volume.

As soon as I was done with what I needed to do (preparing flyers for the church activity we’re organizing this Saturday) I up and went to my room, tired of being pulled into their argument.

I was awoken from my troubled sleep about an hour or so later (somewhere between 4-6 in the morning, I don’t remember) by my mom. She was crying because she had a huge bump on her head from being pushed to the floor by my Dad. He finally cracked. She told me later that it was when she was trying to get a hold of his cell phone. That would be too incriminating, I suppose. No can do.

Anyway, I got her and icepack and just cried with her for a while before tucking her into my bed and talking a little more. This has been a problem that has gone on for years now. I thought they had resolved it each time – so did they, I suppose – but they haven’t. It keeps resurfacing, getting worse and worse each time. This has been the worst ever.

Now I know why I’m not in college. I needed to be here.

I wish I were stronger and I wish I knew what to say. Mom needs someone, but I can’t be there for her because I am too emotionally involved. I am trying not to take sides. Just before my 16th birthday, my parents mentioned divorce to my sister and I for the very first time and my mom had pulled us in right in the middle of an argument to make us choose sides. I was for Dad. I thought mom was an emotional wreck and that she was just overreacting.

3 months of living with Dad while mom was away in Singapore and I changed my mind. My dad is a hard man. It’s fine for a dad, but terrible for a husband. I’ve felt sorry for my mom ever since I’ve learnt more about my Dad.

I don’t know what to think. The issue of my Dad’s infidelity was something I chose not to think about. I know now that it really DID happen in the past to a small degree, at least, but whether or not it did happen, I shut my eyes and my ears to it. I justified his questionable actions for him. If he was cheating on mom, I had a general idea who it would be (and I may have suspected correctly) but I didn’t let it bother me. It would be too hurtful to know.

My justification was that he was a good father and a good provider thus I have no right to judge him. That’s his justification to Mom too.

But, whatever he does affects Mom. He’s never been there for my mom emotionally. He gives her advice, lectures, like he does to me. But he puts himself on a higher level. He knows more than we all do about life and the mind because he’s read all these books and talked to all these people. And we know squat. Master of chat. Hah.

As far as I can tell, it’s never been a loving relationship. I never approved of how my parents don’t need each other. My dad “trained” mom to be independent of him – emotionally at least. That’s why he has a problem with me being so emotionally needy. For NEEDING Matthew; for NEEDING Jared and now needing Mark.

*Smiles* I remember just before grounding me from college the first time (December, last year) I had been talking a lot to Mark – every free moment I had. He asked me what happened if we broke up and he couldn’t be there for me anymore? In my irrationally emotional state, my hasty reply was “THEN I’LL JUST GET ANOTHER BOYFRIEND!!!”

See why I got grounded? I didn’t mean that. Don’t take it the wrong way. I really wish that Mark were really that replaceable.

(Parents working out the logistics now)
“I don’t have to think of you as a wife anymore”
“Then what?”
“I can treat you like a friend.”
“I don’t think you treat me as your friend, you treat me as someone you can talk down to”

Right on Mom.

Just a thought. Even now, they still call each other “dear”. They have called each other that my whole life. Are they really going to go back to using first names? That would be strange.

Mom was really conflicted last night about what to do next. She has held on to that marriage for so long just because she doesn’t want us children to have to go through a divorce. Bless her. I was so confused. I didn’t know what to tell her.

You see, if it had affected ME directly, I would know what I want. But I am not the issue now. I am not affected either way. I leave home again soon. So who am I to say that she should sacrifice herself for her children and be unhappy for the rest of her life or should I really tell her that my brothers’ happiness are more important than hers? I don’t know, I don’t know.

We were saved the trouble. Dad decided for all of us. As usual.

I guess I have chosen sides huh?

They decided – no DAD decided – to end the marriage so they wouldn’t have to put us through their fighting. That’s just a load of crap.

I am the first child born under the covenant. My parents were the first local couple to be married for all time and eternity in the temple. We will be the first children born under the covenant to go through a divorce.

Mom is Singaporean. She can live here because she’s married to Dad. What happens now?

When Dad broke the news to us, Ernie was the first one to cry, then Mom and I because of Ernie. And then Han, then Shuan. Ray… bless him. He still doesn’t get it. He laughed at us for crying. When he finally understands it will be too late.
What’s the big deal, everyone’s parents are already divorced. I shouldn’t be whining.

I said I didn’t care what happened. I just want to do something – SAY something – to have them change their mind.

I’m going to sleep now and hope that when I wake up tomorrow, I will find out it was just a bad, bad dream.

I wish Mark were here.

My months-old suspicion regarding my parent's marital problems have been confirmed.
Where's my phonecard when I need it?

Know thy bloggie.

Hey, out of sheer boredom, I have created yet another quiz for you to take. This time, it's a list of 20 questions about ME!

How well do you really know me?

I don't expect anyone to do too well on it. Hehe. If you do, either you're family or I dated you.

It's just a fun way to learn about me I guess - just a different way to post 20 random things about myself. Have fun, and let me know how you did - or what you thought!

Soul searching. Soul mate searching.

I was getting tired of my shallow "happy" posts and felt that I needed to deal with how I was really feeling tonight instead of pushing it aside like I do with ease in the days, so I searched for a movie to help me feel. Or in other words, I was looking for a movie to make me cry.

Jared’s “feel sad” movie is Romeo & Juliet or Moulin Rouge. I don’t have Romeo & Juliet, and the copy of Moulin Rouge that I have was filmed by a camcorder in a theatre so I had to pass. I dug up the VCD for a movie I had nearly forgotten about – the one I claim is my favorite even though the last time I watched it I was 15: What Dreams May Come.

It’s now my favorite again, more than ever this time. I can think of maybe 3 places in the entire movie where I wasn’t crying. I love to cry.

Oh if I could but have a love like that; someone who loved me enough to choose hell over heaven just to be with me.

Do I believe in soul mates? I did. I’m not sure there’s just one person for me out there now. Every time I fall in love, I am so sure that I’ve found him and then the next thing I know I’m spending the next part of my life trying to convince myself that it was all just make belief.

Kind of like college, you know. When I’m sure that it’s finally my turn to get what I’ve been waiting for, I receive this huge blow. Not, not for me. Not this time. Every time it happens after that, I find myself less surprised. I anticipate happiness with skepticism and doubt and I hold back a little more of myself each time, so less of me will get hurt. And the more time passes without my dream being fulfilled, the more I convince myself it’s only a fantasy that will never play itself out in reality.

I’m so afraid that I will become jaded and incapable of looking forward to something or falling completely in love with someone like I have done so easily before in the past. I fear that my wounds may scar me for life.

Who am I am to feel this way anyway. I’m only 19, there’s a whole lifetime left for me to go to college and in time find someone to love again. Most people don’t find love till much later in life. But I have had it before; I have had much more than just a taste. I have felt and given love in such intense amounts, going with out it is so very difficult. I don’t know where to put all those emotions now and I’m leaving a trail of it behind and tying much of it to Mark and Hawaii. Take those from me and I feel like a ship with no mast that has lost its anchor.

My time will come, I know. It’s just taking an awful long time to get there and I’m getting impatient and very, very lonely.

Maybe there is someone out there who is meant for me. I can’t understand how he could be more wonderful than anyone I’ve had to give up before. I suppose a little trust in this bigger plan is required. Still, I don’t want to have to love one man after another in my search for him.

If he really is out there, then I will have to learn to keep myself happy in the meantime and work on becoming the woman he could fall in love with.

I’d really like to convince myself that it’s ok to be lonely. I feel so ungrateful for complaining and wishing I were somewhere else even though I have so much going for me here and am surrounded by people who love me everyday.

I want to love it here, to love it so much that I’ll really be reluctant to return to Hawaii when the time comes– not just say that I am. But here I am, crying, crying over something or someone that I don’t have; something I don’t or can’t have yet, desperately fighting to keep the hope of ever obtaining it alive. It’s so hard to balance the present with my past and the future.

For now, I find love and happiness in my dreams. Maybe if I go to bed after this, Mr. Sandman will give me an unexpectedly beautiful one. Who knows what dreams may come?

Gone bananas!!!

*To the tune of Beethoven’s 5th symphony* BA-NA-NA-NAAAAA…

Oooh, we had the wildest Relief Society birthday party ever!

For those of you who don’t already know, the RS is the organization/auxiliary at church for women aged 18 and above. We have Enrichment (short for home, family and personal enrichment meeting, formerly called “homemaking”) on the Wednesday following the first Sunday of the month.

This time around, the presidency planned a party themed “Going Bananas!” To start the evening off, we sang “Day-O” which was just really funny – awkward funny. We had a potluck after. Everyone had brought something with bananas or banana leaves. Most of us wore green or yellow.

Here’s an embarrassingly girly thing about me: I LOVE matching colors! Give me an excuse and I could go all out and get dressed up in red, purple, blue, pink or black – name any color! – with jewelry, hair accessories and even bags to match. I wore my bright yellow top and put a yellow daisy to match on my ear. I had bought a stalk of them for myself earlier. I love daisies, and yellow!!!! Bright and happy, like I want to be.

For plates, we used banana leaves and instead of forks and spoons (that’s what we use here instead of knives), we used our hands. It wasn’t anything new, really, since the Indians (the ones from India – they make a substantial portion of our population) have what they call banana leaf rice where they eat rice and curry on a banana leaf and they eat with their hands like the Malays do. Still, it was fun. It’s hard to say prim and rigid when you’re getting all messy with your food like that.

The food was mm-mmm good! I made deep-fried banana dumplings (flour, mashed bananas, salt & baking powder), mom brought fish baked with a Thai sauce wrapped in banana leaves, Rosie made rice steamed with chicken stock and cinnamon sticks, wrapped in banana leaves of course. There were banana fritters, chips, fruit salad, more stuff on banana leaves, and of course, for dessert: banana split!

I’m getting so tired of having to correct my typos! Bannana, bnanan, bananma, bananna… ARGH!

We had tags with banana words on them like “banana tree”, “green banana”, “banana republic” etc. pinned to our backs and we had to ask questions with yes no answers to guess what it said. Good tool for breaking the ice not that we weren’t already chattering the house down. There were about 15 of us – 6 of which were visitors…. it was just perfect.

We had a banana IQ test (I posted that last), and I amazed myself and did the best out of all the women. Hah. Missed one question – I guess bananas take longer to ripen than I thought… and then we cast votes for who would be the “Banana Queen”. The criteria was that they dressed like a banana, got into the banana spirit, brought a banana dish, was friendly, loved bananas and some other stuff I don’t remember.

And the Banana Queen was…. *drumroll*

ME!

Hehehe. Surprise, surprise. While writing down names on our ballots around the table, people were asking how my name was spelled. LoL! Don’t ask me – I don’t know! Fei? Yep. Faye? Correct. Fay? Sure. Fae – heck, why not!

Ok – before I go any further, let me fill you in on something you might not have been aware of. There is only one thing I can think of that I absolutely DISlike in this world – BANANAS!!! Oh gosh, it was torture having to turn down all that food. “What do you MEAN you don’t like bananas?” “You’re kidding, right?!” And then there was eating the ice cream around the banana… there was still a hint of banana in my ice cream. Ugh…

We have a video of me from when I was 4 or so, screaming because Dad put a banana in my ice cream, and I insisted it would still TASTE like banana after he took it out!

What don’t I like about it? The smell. The texture of a raw banana is pretty horrid too – even you would agree, but it’s the smell that gets me. [gag]

So, I got crowned the “Banana Queen” and proudly accepted my trophy – a HUGE bunch of bananas!!! It was just too funny; we were laughing our faces red and couldn’t stop to look charming for the camera. Teeheheheheheheheee…

Earlier that day, I had just bought a big bunch of bananas for my dumplings, only to come home to a bunch Mom had bought for me.

We’re going to have bananas growing out of our ears tomorrow. More bananas (there’s that cursed word again!) to eat. JOY!

I am the Banana Queen – all show bow down and worship me!

Here’s to a year of world peace under my reign. May we run out of bananas tomorrow!

Nothing witty to say. Shutting up now. Making a banana peel out of myself.

~The end.

How much useless information do you know?

I got 9/10 on this silly quiz at Enrichment yesterday - can you beat me?

I've been trying to put this quiz thingy on my blog ALL morning and it's still not working. *pout* I gave up and published it here instead.

Test your banana IQ

If you're bored - it's only 10 questions...
I'm pretty dang proud of myself for digitizing the quiz. Go me!

NO CHEATING!!!

Goooooosssfraba....

Newsflash: Faye just developed her VERY OWN opinion!

This is highly unusual for me.

But heck, it's official. I LOVE Adam Sandler!!! (I know, I know, so I'm a little late in discovering how absolutely hilarious he is)

*prances around the room in a jig*

I feel pretty... oh, so pretty... I feel pretty and witty and GAAAAAAAAY!!!!

This is strangely sad...

My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?

I'm basically this good movie with the few sex scenes censored by the Malaysian government.

Friends are like clothes.

In reply to Lindsey's comment on Matt's blog.

"Friends are like clothes. Sometimes we outgrow them, or they outgrow us (in my case, I shrink at such an alarming rate I will be a size -3 by the time I get back to the US), sometimes the fashion changes or our tastes do and we move on to liking other things. And then there are clothes to suit different occasions and different needs. Some clothes are flattering and others just don't look good on us (I want to be one of those that looks good on anybody - take that whatever way you want *wink*)

We'll always need clothes and I hope we'll always have them. I like them - they keep me warm. =)"

Matt's blog today about best friends invoked a long reply from me

I'm going to be lazy and simply cut and paste it here.

***********
Look at what one introspective post can do. That was my favorite of all your posts on LJ thus far. :) Was this inspired by my recent blog about my best friend in highschool?

Well, I have two cents too, only it's in Malaysian currency (so technically, it would be 2 sen) and hardly worth anything. I'm going to write this here for the heck of it and post it in my own blog later, I think. *schemes*

I have misused and abused the term "best friend". Till now, I'm not really sure I know what it means. I call alot of people my "best friend" if I absolutely adore them (like all my friends from college). All my church friends (those are the ones I hung out with the most, really liked and enjoyed myself immensely with) have been called my best friends. But like you said - it's so much more meaningful when it's mutual.

From the time I was 7 up to the time I was 10 or so, my best friend (and I think this was REAL) was this girl from church named Melanie. She was 3 years older than I was, but somehow we discovered each other. I had formed a club (I was always forming a club of some kind) and she was co-leader. She played the piano like I did, and we'd play duets and stuff. She was older so she was ahead of me in piano- I really looked up to her. We had sleepovers and begged our parents to let us go to each others' houses to play after church each Sunday. We talked about boys the most. I had liked this kid named Brian all my life and she liked his brother. We had our weddings planned out and matchmade all the other kids in church with each other. Girly stuff.

Then, she turned 12 and left the primary for Young Women in church. She grew up on me. We were still friends after that, but things were different. She was friends with the older boys, and I still hung out with the kids. We had the same piano teacher when I was 14, by then I had nearly caught up with her in piano (because she had stopped for a couple of years in between while I just kept on going) and I was fiercely competing with her. She was my role model, like I said. Our piano teacher would compare us to each other and I liked that.

We'd still get together, play the piano and sing for church but we became aquaintances, not friends. Especially after she started college, she stopped coming to church as often or at least became less and less involved. I felt that she had apostatized on me. Eventually, our branches got split and I saw less and less of her. She went to BYU-Hawaii after that and became nothing more than a part of my past.

And then, it was MY turn to go to BYU-Hawaii. We ended up being roommates! She was a wonderful roomie, but we had grown apart so much. In a way, I was disappointed. She sucked at piano because she stopped playing it for years (ok, so she wasn't bad, but alot worse than I could remember... what happened to my mentor?!) and I found her shallow and materialistic. We turned to each other alot with our problems as roommates, but something was definitely missing. I still consider her an ex-friend.

She's back from Hawaii now. Graduated. I haven't seen her yet. People change, they grow apart. That's life.

I have a sister a year younger than me and I've always thought of her as my best friend. We had everything in common as kids. I told her all about the guys I liked and she broke the news to them for me a couple of times. We had recess together everyday in Grade school and shared each other's friends. She couldn't get into the same middle/highschool that I had gotten in so she went to another school, a girls' school (like mine) nearby who were our biggest competitors. That was good for her. It gave her a chance to be independant and live outside of my shadow. At that time, she also started gymnastics - one of the first few things we didn't do together.

At some point, I started turning to friends over the internet. They became my best friends. I eventually got an internet boyfriend I couldn't tell her about because she would disapprove (and she always used that kind of knowledge against me when she was mad, not cool!) We just drifted apart. Being sibblings, we could only drift apart so much, so that was good. We still shared a room and would talk and stuff, but we weren't, you know, TIGHT like before. We still had alot in common - she was Molly Mormon like I was and we played the piano and sang together WAY often. Eventually, I moved away to college, I hardly called/wrote home because I was having such a blast and kept so busy.

When I moved home again, I was so changed, she must have really felt like she had lost a sister, like how I felt I lost a mentor with Melanie. She must have thought I turned shallow on her. I couldn't tell her anything because she looked at me as if I was sick when I told her I had kissed my boyfriends (and have pictures). Kissing is kept hush hush here, and we grew up learning that it was unecessary (maybe even thought it was EVIL), and we were both planning to kiss only those we were dating seriously (as in going to marry). Heck, I couldn't tell her about any of that OTHER stuff I did.

Well, now she's in college and has had her first boyfriend. They've kissed. Hahah! Now she gets it. But for her it's strictly no tongue. Freak. She really makes me feel like scum sometimes.

Recently, I just talked to her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (they're even more confused than I am) and he was encouraging me to talk to her more. Apparently she wishes that we were closer and that I would open up to her. I would like to, but she doesn't open up to me at all. Plus, she looks up to me, and I have this image to upkeep. I want to talk to her now, but it's also really hard because I'm really jealous of her for being in Hawaii when I am grounded and at home. Just a little resentful at her for being the goody-goody and making me look bad I guess.

Regardless, my sister will always be my best friend. She's family, and I think that's what family should be. We'll stick together through thick and thin. She's always going to be there and I will always be her sister. There's this fierce emotional bond that we've forged and like it or not, it's going to bind us together forever.

That'll beat all the best friends I've made out of boyfriends lately. I open up heart and soul to them, but keep having to give them up and construct these walls.

Right now, my bestest friend in the world (yes I know that isn't English) is my blog (and now yours). How pathetically sad.