A heavy burden.

I think it was Reed who requested that I update my blog since there hasn't been anything happy posted here lately. I wish I was in the frame of mind to fill you in on the wonderful things that have happened this past week (i.e. Mom and Dad coming to visit from Monday to Wednesday, or the 11 year old Down Syndrome girl I had in my tour group the other day) but I need to blog tonight to help myself deal with my own emotions.

I apologize for not being the blogger I used to be. For not following up on everyone else's lives. Now that I have an active one of my own, I no longer have the need to live vicariously through other bloggies. When I have a good day, I can share it with those around me. Blogging has become rather obsolete in that sense. Instead, this blogs now serves the purpose of bearing my most deepest thoughts and emotions as I use it to try to make sense of my world.

Following up on my last entry, I caused many of my friends to worry for me. I appreciate your concern. I am really ok. Despite the self-pitying entries that I post here from time to time, I really have been able to find happiness. The thought of losing Mark has sometimes hit me with a pang but it had been far enough removed from the present for me to let it affect my life dramatically.

I just found out last night (I think) that he got admitted.

It hasn't made things much worse for me, besides making me clingier and more aware of the time we spend together because of the foreshadowing of a future separation. It has, however, put alot of pressure on Mark. He tends to internalize things and it affects him physically. He couldn't sleep last night and even felt sick at dinner today. I want to reach into him and take the pain away, but to the contrary, I am not helping him. At least 5 times today, I've teared up at random times, just at the thought of losing him. I need to be more supportive. I don't want to hinder him from making the right choice nor do I want to add to his confusion at this point.

The freedom to make choices that will dictate our future is a heavy responsibility. This is something that is so new to us at this point in life. Where previously, we had someone to make the decisions for us, or to point us in certain directions, we are now left to decide on our own. Spiritual guidance is still available to us, of course, but some decisions aren't between right and wrong. That complicates things 100-fold.

Life is scary. We make all these choices without a clue where they will lead us. All we have to do is trust that we will make the best of whatever the outcome is.

I don't know why I'm blogging about this; why I chose to document the sad things over the happier ones. But I need to stop apologizing for being me.

Talking to Mom about it briefly helped me get a better grip on reality. She pointed out that Mark leaving didn't have to mean that the relationship would end right there. In fact, when I left for Malaysia not knowing when I would return, we still continued talking. We've done it before, we can do it again. Mom also mentioned that this was a good trial on the relationship. This is crunch time, I guess. If our relationship wasn't meant to last, then right now is the best time for it to end. What's the use prolonging it? At the same time, this could be the defining moment of our relationship where we finally decide that we belong together and can begin planning for a life together.

Close friends have tried to comfort me in saying that Mark wouldn't chose to leave me because he loves me to much. I know he does. Love isn't the issue here. The better future is what we're aspiring for. As much as this is painful to accept, love can be replaced. Mark and I cannot stay together simply because we cannot be without a relationship. We can only stay together if our ultimate futures are better with each other in it.

I had Mark entertain the thought of a trial separation the other day. What an interesting discussion that was. He wouldn't go for it. As much as it would be extremely difficult to be missing his presence in my life for that time, I figured that either I learned to get used to not having him around if he choses to leave, or that he will decide that's not what he wants and perhaps chose to stay. This will probably sound stupid to me in the future, I realize. But it sounded like a good idea at the time.

He didn't like it. We've just had different experiences. His parents separated and never got back together again. Mine did. There is no trial to him. A separation is an ultimate decision to end the relationship. I guess he's not ready to.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could simply be enthusiastic about him getting accepted to a better school and cheer him on in his decision to move there. I am proud of him but I can't separate myself from the situation completely. I'm not perfect.

I won't talk to him about this much. I don't want to affect his decision. Instead, I'll just let him hold me when I see him again tomorrow and we'll keep our thoughts to ourselves. In my mind, the decision has already been made for him to leave. I guess my subconscience figures that I should expect the worse so I won't receive a huge blow. I'm sure that I'll feel silly for crying over nothing if he choses to stay but that's something that I'll worry about then. Right now, I just need to focus on being my best around him and treasuring the time we spend together in the most positive way possible.

I stare at him more now. Just admiring the way he looks. The funny thing about love is: the more you stare at your loved one, the better they look. The more I stare, the more I find myself falling deeper for him. And the deeper I fall, the more it will hurt. I must enjoy pain or something.

Several times throughout today, I found myself wishing that he hadn't chosen to kiss me when I returned to Hawaii, resuming the relationship we had previously ended. Mark has always reminded me that instead of focussing on what you lost, to focus on what you've gained. I wish it was that easy. This is not time for regret. You can't recall the love you've given someone. I must not regret it.

I remember watching a video of the one-woman musical "Polly" and there's a song she sings in a later part of the play called "Make a space for joy". Set in the times of the Mormon pioneers, Polly was looking back, wondering if she'd made the right decision on going out West with her family because it led to the death of her child. Her affliction was much worse and more traumatic than anything I've ever gone through. Still, I love the song.

If I'd known from the start
What would happen,
If I'd known in my heart,
Well then, . . . what then?

But I chose right.
I felt it all along.
If I had known what would happen
I might have chosen wrong.

Is that why you keep us guessing?
Is our ignorance protection?
Is it really just a blessing in disguise?

Could you celebrate a birthday
Knowing life would soon be past you?
Could you spend the sweat to build a house
You knew would not outlast you?
Could you bear to love the children
Who would die before their season?

We'd miss so much of happiness
And maybe that's the reason
Not to know.

To free us from the burden of the future
And make a space for joy.
To make a space for joy.

I don't regret the time we've spent together since I've returned. I don't regret the companionship I've shared with him and I certainly don't regret the fun times that we've had together. It has been a wonderful blessing to me and if this is all I get, I should be grateful. Of course I want more, but it is not my place to demand it.

In the meantime, all I can do is to not let the weight of the future affect my happiness. I can wait for the appropriate time to be sad and lonely. I will see Mark again tomorrow and he will hold me and try to silence my fears. I still have that to look forward to.

What doesn't kill you simply makes you stronger, right?