Still trying to accept reality.

I'm going through a stage of bitterness. Said alot of unfair things to Mark last night and he wouldn't defend himself.

I feel extremely cheated. I told him that I felt like I bought a car that broke down after 3 months. (He is afraid of selling his car to a friend at the risk of that happening) Yesterday, I snuck him and Reed onto a tour with me at the PCC. I'd been looking forward to it for a while. Halfway through the tour, after leading my guests into the IMAX, Reed and Mark told me that they were going to go home. You can imagine how happy it'd made me. I was cheery that day and it was a 180 degree mood shift.

There's something about people leaving a tour halfway through that I have been able to deal well with. It's like your guests telling you that they don't like the way you conduct your tour and would rather go and do their own thing.

Reed wanted to go home and nap which was weird, and I was disappointed that I didn't get to show him the other islands, since I save the best for last. I didn't care about that as much as I did Mark leaving. He had a legitimate reason, having a ton of things to do to prepare to go home.

Unselfishness has never been my forte. All I could think of was him leaving before I planned him too. Again. What has always gotten to me the most was when my plans don't pull through, after I've spent all that time looking forward to something, whether or not it was something that great or important to me to begin with. I just hate getting disappointed. Mark decided to stay with me on tour and Reed went home. I felt really stupid about making him stay, because I didn't mean to guilt trip him or anything. Plus, Mark had already been on a tour at the PCC before. I think he enjoyed himself. He keeps bending over backwards for me. I need to do something back. But like I said, I have a hard time being unselfish.

I haven't been dealing with him leaving very well at all. All I think about is how I don't want him to leave. I feel so alone because he's being so strong. I want it to be difficult for him as it is for me. In my heart, I know that it is worse on his side, but it doesn't show. In that way, I feel inferior to him and that hurts.

Leaving for Utah was his decision. Apparently breaking up was mine. I automatically linked leaving for another school with leaving me. He was hoping to be able to continue on somehow. Sure we could. But I don't know where this will go to. I don't want to hope to have him come back again only to find out that he's found someone else.

He won't go for a trial separation, but he'll leave for good. I don't get it.

I realize that this will look so immature and silly after this has passed. But these are my honest feelings. As much as they show how weak a person I am.

I have come to realize also that I am very possesive, and what I fear the most is having to give up something that belongs to me to someone else. As the distance separates us, he will become closer to those around him and further away from me.

Last time, when I left for home, I knew I couldn't be selfish and try to keep him to myself. We broke up and he finally made the move to stop talking to me online. At that time, unknown to me, he had thought to ask a friend of mine on a date. While my other friend was trying to date him. I just found that out last night.

Left a bad taste in my mouth. If I had known it then, I would have supported it, because I had already accepted that Mark was no longer mine. It's strange to think of it now, when I want him to be mine and mine only.

Such is life. Constantly having to give up the things we love and finding new things to devote that love to. Maybe the next time it happens, I will already be numbed completely.