Deja Vu

Something prompted me to look back today. You'd think that after all those times Mark and I have been separated, I would be used to it by now.

I remembered a poem I wrote back then. I searched for it again today. It brought back all the pain. I remember still talking to him on Yahoo with our webcams even after we broke up. That's how it's going to be again. Just like I did before, I will be alright. I will find happy things to blog about just like I did before to help me from being overpowered with loneliness.

What is it about me that wants to make this as difficult for him as I can? Why do I need to see him break down and cry?

Change is hard enough for him without me clining on to him for dear life, wishing I had begged him to stay.

Another dream lost. For the second time. Or is it the third?

I'll post the poem again. I'm not proud of it. But it captured my thoughts and feelings back then.

Pretending
By Fei for Mark

My chest tightens.
Pain from my stomach
pushes upward
as the emotions I fight to
hold back
form a lump in my throat.

But
I will not cry.

Take a deep breath.

I smile.
“Hi!”

He smiles back.
It shows.

I am not the only one
who wishes I could just
break
and confess just
how much
we have missed each other.

He’s so beautiful when he’s in pain.
If I could just…

My jaw trembles now
but
- take a deep breath -
I will not cry.

We talk, we laugh.
Why do we keep reminding ourselves
of what we are missing?
Why are we doing this again?

Our time is up.
I’m sorry I can no longer devote my day
to you.
Just you.

“Talk to you later.”
Not right after dinner,
not as soon as I can.
Maybe tomorrow?
Maybe not.

I long to plead
Stay with me!
But I have to let you go.
We have to let each other go.
Shouldn't we have done that by now?

My heart aches so terribly.
Oh how it hurts.

But
I will not cry.
I cannot.
I must not.

Take a deep breath.

I will hold back.
I have to
till you leave
knowing that you take me
in your thoughts
- that you love me
in your heart.
Always longing
to hear you say it
just once more.

But
I will be strong.
You will resist
and I will wait.

Take a deep breath
Draw strength from the air.

I will wait for the time
when I can play
pretend
again
and smile for you.

Take a deep breath.
Not enough?
Take two.

Someday,
I will need to pretend
no more.

But for tonight,
let me feel lonely
and cry.

I apologize for the pity party I am throwing now. Just let me cry for the next two weeks. I will find reason to happy every now and then. Soon enough you'll have me back again. But for now, all I want to do is cry and sleep. I will be ok. But please don't try to make me happy just yet.

Just let me mourn.