What's in a name?

Quasi-boyfriend asked an interesting question today: "Why do you prefer 'Fei' to 'Faye'?"

This has been a matter I have been ruminating on for the past couple of weeks or so. Having met him online and initially acquainting myself to his "cyber pen name", which happens to be his middle name, then finding out that nobody really calls him that, but that his first name has already been taken by ex-boyfriend #1, there was a little confusion in mind as to what to use when addressing him. It still exists and I use both names interchangably whenever I talk about him.

The idea of pet names came up when trying to decide what we would call each other. I'm not very fond of pet names, and even if you could find one that I didn't have allergic reactions to, the chances are that I have been called that before by some other guy in the past. Instead, when I felt "ready" to move up a notch in intimacy, I asked him to call me Fei instead of Faye.

Read more/hide: The Etymology of Fei
Just a little background information for those of you who only know me through here. Fei is my real name. It is a Chinese name. Fei by itself means "not, negative, non-; oppose". Nice name huh? Haha. It is, if you will, very much like the F in a true/false question. But more than meaning "untrue" it is the opposite of yes, or postive. Very much like the "0" (as opossed to 1) in a logic sequence, if you will. Not a great meaning by itself.

It is, however, meant to be short for this:

The first character is my name. The second character, "chang" means "common, normal, frequent,regular". Put my name before that and the meaning becomes inversed: uncommon, abnormal, infrequent, irregular. See how that could mean "extremely"?

So, I am extremely ______ ? That's where my middle name "Min" (I share this with my sister) comes in.

Put it all together, and this is what we get:

The first character, zhang, is my last name in traditional Chinese. Chinese last names come first. It's quite the paradox, really.

In ancient China, on top of a common "last" name, each generation would also share a middle name. That's how you identified them. Fragments of that tradition still remain. Most people in China today only have 2 syllable names - last name and first name, but many Chinese in other parts of the world (including Malaysia) still have 3 syllable names, like mine.

Instead of looking at it as a middle name, the majority of people I grew up with treated their first names as having 2 syllables. Many Chinese in Malaysia who haven't already come up with some English name, go by names like "Mun Yee" "Mei Ling" "Xiao Hui". I was called "Fei Min" all through my school years back home. Even my parents don't have English names, comparatively westernized as they are. They have dual syllable first names. And Mom's is quick the tongue-twister for the unttrained person.

My parents' intention, however, was for all of us children to have a multi purpose name: one Chinese, yet English sounding - for the most part. Fei (Faye), Su (Sue), Han (I don't think that's English... I don't know what Han Solo is), Shuan (similar to Shaun, but he hates it when he is called that), Ern (Or Ernie) and Ray (am slightly bitter that he got the un-chinese spelling to his name). We weren't exempt from the middle name. My brothers share "Woon" with all the male cousins sharing a our last name on Dad's side of the family. "Woon Ming", "Woon Pin", "Woon Han", "Woon Shuan" etc.

Growing up, our parents called us only by our first names (1 syllable) at home, unless we were in trouble.

Read more/hide: The Etymology of Faye
Wishing I had a "Christian name" (that's what we call English first names in Malaysia) like Melanie, Crystal or some of my other "cool" friends had (they had English names on top of their Chinese names - so they would go by "Elaine Chan(last name) Mei Ling" or something like that) I did not believe, for the longest time, that Fei was meant to be an English name. My mom tried to convince me by telling me about "Faye Dunaway" the actress. I thought she was just pulling my leg and had made that name up. It did sound kind of absurd. (Please don't rhyme your children's first names with your last name!)

For many years during elementary school, I would look for [retty English names to adopt. I remember really like Vanessa for a good while. I tried getting my friends to call me Adeline for a while and tried to impose Emelyn on Su. Only one person ever remembered to call us by those names. It didn't stick.

At some point, I gave up and decided to just stick to my name. But, I would spell it differently! Through church, I had grown up among many Americans and they would always mispell my name. It used to annoy me at first, but I finally decided to embrace it. Because Faye was already taken by a famous (even today) singer in Hong Kong, Faye Wong, whom I despise (if merely for the fact of popularizing my name among the Chinese population), I decided to go by Fay. Put it together, and you got the tackiest name ever "Fay Chong Fei Min".

What was I thinking?!

For a couple of years, I used Fay. Just about that time, I had also discovered the internet. My screen names always ended with Fay. MusicGal_Fay, Magical_Fay. I made friends with mostly Americans over the internet. Through the web, I had established my own identity and explored my personality using that name. That was the beginning of my "Americanization".

Fay evolved to Faye simply because the boy I had a crush on for most of my life, when corresponding with me through email, asked if he could call me "Faye Min". I was flattered, of course and took to Faye really quickly. That name stuck.

My classmats and teachers continued to call me Fei Min. A few close friends called me Fei. Even spelled it Fay/Faye sometimes. They would ask me which I prefered - very considerate of them. In high school, we wore name tags with our full name on it. We could learn each others' names without knowing each other. I found that I could separate my friends and acquaintances by what they called me. "Fei Min" meant they read my tag, "Faye" meant that they had heard me introduce myself. I only had one teacher who called me "Fei" ever. That was in the 7th grade. I remember feeling that it was strange yet liberating.

The name Faye started to really grow on me. Towards the end of high school, I had finally figured out that I could get people to call me whatever I wanted them to. I just had to let them know. There was a point when I stopped writing my name with my last name first and I became "Faye Min Chong". It took a little adjusting to, but I still think of myself with that title today.

When I got my first job working for my Dad, I was Faye Chong, sometimes just Faye. That was the name our clients knew me by. It was confident, Englishy, professional? Everyone has an English first name in the corporate world. That suited me well. Hehe, I remember even speaking in my American accent in Malaysia while doing telemarketing. It got me places.Hide: The Etymology of Faye

The name "Fei" nearly died within me. I would sign letters and cards to my parents "Faye" by accident. It would have died completely, if it hadn't been for those white American boyfriends of mine, who all thought Fei was more exotic and insisted on calling me by that name. That and my parents have always spelt it "Fei".

*pause*

I felt it a sensitive issue, and still do, taking the name my parents gave me and changing it to turn my back from my roots. I wonder if it mattered to them at all. I can't help but tear up when thinking about what that name means to me today.

No matter what other people call me, no matter how I spell it, I will always be Fei to Mom and Dad. Fei Min, sometimes. When "Santa" writes my name on my presents. When I get handwritten letters from Dad. When they write about us in their annual newsletter.

Just in the fact that they call me "Fei", is a symbol to me that they see me in a different light than the rest of the world does.

"What's the difference?" people ask. Fei and Faye don't sound any different. There is a subtle distinction between the pronounciations, in my head. But I think that's the only place that difference exists. While I can't hear the difference in how it is said, how it is spelled (and living half your life online, you see it spelled a lot).

In reply to quasi boyfriend's question about why I prefer "Fei" to "Faye" (quite the paradox since I've worked so hard on getting people to call me Faye), I said,

"It has something weird to do with how I think my identity is attatched to my name. There are lots of different sides to me. Faye is the person on the outside and Fei is the person on the inside. Faye is cool and American. Fun, popular, whatever. And Fei is the Asian in me. Fei goes back to her roots in Malaysia. Intimate and real?"

I have only recently re-discovered "Fei". Ironically, it took me coming out here to "America" to learn to appreciate my culture, to remember that being a Malaysian Chinese isn't something to be ashamed of, and in any case, is and will always be a huge part of who I am - no matter what accent I speak in, or think in.

I have been turning back to my real name and even think of myself in that name now. It was a tough decision, trying to decide which name I wanted to have put on my nametag for work. "Faye" works well - no pronounciation problems with the guests, just with my colleagues ("Faye-ah" "Fah-yeah" "Fay-er"), but "Fei" is the Asian student my guests help to put through school, but most importantly, me. Maybe sometime in the future.

I am still not comfortable with casual acquaintances calling me "Fei". A big part of me desires to save it only for people I let in. Public blog or not, there is still deep sense of privacy within me and I somehow feel like I can maintain that by witholding a simple name "Fei", the metaphor for my true self, from the world.

I notice the incongruency between the names and I don't like being 2 or 3 different people. Some day soon, I will have every part of me resolved into one name, my name

Why is there so much identity wrapped up in a name? Not even how it sounds, but how it is spelt. Is it important for us to tie our personality to a few letters or strokes clumped together?

Even in ancient times, we see how The Lord changed Jacob's name to Israel. Saul became Paul after a mighty change of heart. I think they understood what a name means.

How do the students from Asia identify with their borrowed English names? Do you lose a part of you when you forget your name?

My parents never refer to each other by their first names. It was always "Dear". In confused emulation, even my brothers have called each parent "Dear" before. I've only heard my parents refer to each other by name in anger, or when calling out "Dear" got no reply.

Imagine the complication we encounterred when my parents were at the brink of a permanent separation, and only knew to call each other "Dear". Their roles as husband and wife were sealed to that simple four letter word which had lost its function as a term of endearment. Similarly, we identify wth the names "Mom", "Dad",
"Jie Jie". They become a part of who we are.

And yet, how often do we forget what they really mean? How often do we lose our identity in fulfilling the roles assigned to us through the different names that we go by?

I didn't mean for my aimless meandering to lead up to this, but just as I typed that last paragraph, something hit me. Epiphany. Insight. The eyes of my mind have been opened and I have achieved this surprising state of clarity, like the thought was placed in my head.

*pause*

I suddenly get what it means for Christ to want us to take upon us His name.

"Have they not read the scriptures, which say ye must take upon you the name of Christ, which is my name? For by this name shall ye be called at the last day." (3 Ne. 27: 5)

When I started this blog, I thought that I would dwell mostly on my 2 names and my quest in resolving the disparity between the two main identities that I juggle. I began writing thinking that my conclusion would be along the lines of becoming a true woman when I finally discover who I am through embracing the true person inside me when I make my name truly mine. Returning to my roots.

Ah. The talk in the devotional today, about turning our hearts to our predecessors. Oh! I understand now!

When I use the name my parents have given me, I remember them, their love for me, the sacrifices they have made for me, the lessons they have taught me, the potential they see in me. I remember who I am and where I come from. Fei is the woman I can become. I think that I now have a slight inkling of what Mom means everytime she says she's waiting for the real me to rise to the surface.

Likewise, when we take upon us the name Christ has given us - His name - our hearts are turned to Him. We remember His love for us, his sacrifice, his teachings, the potential our Father in Heaven sees in us. We remember who we really are and from whence we came - but most importantly, what we can become.

The name "Fei" binds me to my parents in my role as their daughter, but it transends above that. Similarly, all we are but children of a loving father in Heaven. He knows us by name.

*pause*

Give me a minute to stop crying.


Whatever name it is that we go by, He knows it. The point is that He knows us.

Mosiah 5:11-12
"And I would that ye should remember also, that this is the name that I said I should give unto you that never should be blotted out, except it be through transgression; therefore, take heed that ye do not transgress, that the name be not blotted out of your hearts.

I say unto you, I would that ye should remember to retain the name written always in your hearts, that ye are not found on the left hand of God, but that ye hear and know the voice by which ye shall be called, and also, the name by which he shall call you."

"For by this name shall ye be called at the last day."