The Wrath of an Evil Goddess.

Now, I'm not at all familiar with any sort of mythology, but I imagine there exists some story somewhere of a jealous yet powerful goddess who, in her anger, would curse her offenders. Perhaps with the agony of being in love with her, or something more fun like purple spots on their nose - or something.

I am no goddess (yet), but there is a humongously evil, heartless side of me that surfaces every once in a while and has caused me to wish ill fate to whoever it was that I was angry at.

Friday night was one such experience.

So I am home on a Friday night, recooperating from a long day at work after dinner, while anticipating my routine phonecall from New York before going out to do fun Friday night activities with my friends -if they were planning anything. Quasi-boyfriend calls, and while we're on the phone, I get 2 incoming calls. Something funky has been done to my phone and call-waiting is no longer accessible, so all I get is a beep when someone calls and I can't do anything about it.

Phonecall ends and I check my messages, only to find that my sister had called. "I guess you're on the phone or something," she says (I have a separate voicemail for when the line is busy) then tells me that they were going NIGHT REPELLING! Just like Judge had been talking about for a while - I had gotten really excited to check it off my list of things I want to do. Said she didn't want me to be left out or anything, that they were leaving pretty soon in Heather's car. She sent me that message a full HALF HOUR ago. As soon as I heard that, I immediately called her back. No answer. FREAK. I made a mad dash to Hale 1. Didn't run into anyone I knew. DOUBLE FREAK. Ran up to Heather's room to ask if she knew if they had already left. She said she didn't know, but since her car wasn't parked where it usually was, she suspected they had already left. "I'm sorry..."

F***

I guess she could tell I wasn't too happy about that. I made another mad dash home to see if I could make another phonecall, then remembered that I just used the last 5 cents on the phonecard to call my boyfriend to call me back. The only relevant person with a local cell number that I knew was E. I figured that if she didn't know about it, that she could help me get a hold of Judge or something.

So I call her. She picks up. And the first thing I hear, is Judge in the background. She got to go too???!!! Trying not to let my voice crack, or to sound too mean, I said something to the effect of "Please tell my sister thank you for not knocking on my door to tell about it".

E was apologetic (read comments in last post). Asked if I wanted to talk to Su. No, not really. She promised that we would do something fun together the next day. Sure. I hung up soon after that.

It's immature and irrational to be angry. But I was. Extremely. I was crying all the way from Heather's room to mine. Tried to stop it for the phonecall to E. And then resumed right after. Familiar with the feeling of frustration? Like you've hit a dead end and there's no way out, your head starts pounding and you just want to tear your hair apart. That's how I feel when I'm angry.

I just kept thinking about how angry I was at Su. She knew I was in my room, she could have come over and said, hey we're leaving now, you wanna come? Instead she just leaves without me. Sure, she left me a message. I'd rather you not tell me ANYTHING about it. Just leave me a message to tell me what I'm missing out on and then go will you?!!!

So my friends had left to do something fun on a Friday night - something that I felt I should have been on the top of the list to invite, because I had been aware of the plans before and had expressed keen interest in joining. On top of that, I had just hung up with my special friend in NY, and he was going to bed. Basically, I was alone. On a Friday night. Again.

There is nothing more depressing than going to bed early on a Friday night. Desperately trying to avoid that, I sent a text message to quasi-boyfriend asking to talk and immediately got a phonecall. If I had to be stuck at home, I had to make it worth it, somehow. We talked for a good little bit before I went to bed - still earlier than I usually do. He helped me feel alot better, and it almost was worth missing out on repelling for.

Still.

Have you ever wished the worst on people you are in complete envy of? "Well if I can't have it, NOBODY can!" I've had my line cut for a taxi before - in my attempt to be curteous - and I found myself rationalizing it by telling myself that I was not meant to get on that taxi. "Maybe that taxi will get in an accident and they'll die or something." In rage, that easily evolves to "I hope they crash." .

In my anger, I thought alot of dumb things. "I hope they don't end up repelling and had to come home." "I hope they have a really sucky time." "Maybe someone will get injured then I will know why I wasn't meant to go." And maybe the feeling never completely formed in words, but if it did, I would have thought something like "I hope Su gets hurt."

Well, I would later find out that Su slid down the rope a good 40 feet. Instead of crashing and dying, she tugged at the rope while sliding all the way down, and got 2nd degree rope burns on her right hand, on top of some minor scrapes on her knee. She got lucky.

E had called me to let me know when it had happened, and when they got safely home. I was asleep then, but I half heard it on my answering message.

Someone in their right mind would have been worried, or simply thankful that she was alright. Or would have been grateful that they had left behind instead of having to go through that?

I wasn't in my right mind. I woke up pretty angry still.

I didn't get out of bed when I heard that my sister was home. The idea was not to care about her and avoid her for as long as possible so she could tell I was really angry. I hadn't heard the whole story that morning. Just that she had messed her hand up. I knew she was OK, I wasn't worried. I was glad she got hurt. "Serves her right." I hope that she regrets going. And not letting me know about it in time.

Why blame my sister? I don't know why our minds come up with crazy things like that. I have forgotten to invite her to dozens of things. I had it coming, but we tend to think that the world revolves around us. And well, emotions mess up our logic.

I got a call from Judge this morning, asking me if I knew where my sister was. "I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE!!!!" was what I wanted to say. I then called to look for her because I wanted her to know that I was still mad. I dunno. I didn't think it through completely. Judge called me again to ask if my sister had a favorite animal and if she liked stuffed dolls because he was going to get her one. Oh great.

I was reminded of my senior year in highschool. The day I had won the impromptu speaking competition in my school, I was waiting anxiously for my family to come home so I could show them my trophy. Turns out my sister had a cheerleading accident that day: did a flip off someone's shoulders and landed on her face - on concrete. Needless to say, there wasn't much of a victory for me. Sure, I felt sorry for my sister, worried about her, even. But a big part of me wanted to scream "BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

What a selfish jerk.

That's how I felt like this morning. I wanted to have some time for guilt-tripping. To pull the whole "poor me" thing so they would never, ever, ever, ever, make that mistake again. Instead, I had to become insensitive jerk while my sister got crowned the heroine, or the martyr. Well, almost.

So yeah. Faye at her worst. Not cool.

On my way to lunch, I ran into Su. Oh great. She was being cheerful (it's terrible when people are cheerful when you are angry - that makes you the bad guy). "Don't worry about me, I'm ok!" And all I could think was "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WAS EVER WORRIED ABOUT YOU?! I'M MAD AT YOU!!!"

Of course, I still really care about my sister, and it's hard to balance anger and love. I think I asked her some questions about how she was doing and what actually had happened. Although I did feel genuine concern, I didn't want her to think that I cared. I'm not completely cold hearted, but I did want some room for me. I let my sister know I was mad at her and left as soon as I could.

I don't I conveyed just how much and she will have no idea until, or unless she reads this.

I was angry at her for so many illogical reasons. For leaving me behind, for doing something that I was supposed to be doing instead, for getting hurt and getting all the attention, for making me look like the bad guy - which I won't be afraid to admit I clearly was. I was also angry at her for getting injured because that meant that I wouldn't get to go repelling anytime soon. Gee, thanks for ruining it for all of us. Not her fault. But what difference did that make? I was still angry.

At the same time, I was also angry at myself. Angry for wishing the worst on my sister. Angry for feeling angry, for making a big deal out of nothing. For not being able to have been there. And a part of me blames myself for what happened. It was like I cursed her or something.

I sat down at lunch today still kind of annoyed. The original intention was to ignore my friends for a little while. (Yeah, petty. Like I said, me at my worst) Couldn't stay mad for very long. You start feeling really stupid after a while. About the time I realized what a hard time Judge was having, blaming himself for the accident, my issues were put into perspective.

So now, it's water under a bridge. Unless it happens again.

It's so shameful to have to write this all down. In public record, no less. I know how immature I was behaving. I didn't mean to write it down so people could feel sorry for me, or hear my side of the story. No, anyone in their right mind would roll their eyes at my weaknesses. I feel like an idiot for having thought that, or feeling whatever I did. Whatever it was, it runs deep. Writing about it brought back those emotions, the tears, the anger, the confusion. I can't for the life of me figure out why this has to be such a big deal.

I am struggling now with a different thing. Being left behind on a Friday night? Small kine. I can live with that. What I am having a hard time with is accepting me. My flaws. It's hard having to face the fact that I am capable of such montrous emotions. It's difficult to admit to caring about such petty little things. That's not who I want to be! I should be above all that. But I'm not - and it drives me crazy!

I know I didn't have to etch it into history by writing about it. But if I choose to ignore it, I would miss out on the opportunity to learn something from this. In order to become a better person, I have to completely understand what I have to work with. It takes a little self-acceptance to change things around.

I don't know how to fix it! The entire time I was angry, I knew I was in the wrong. I knew that it wasn't really a big deal. I knew that I would be ok by the next evening and forget all about it. I knew that I would feel stupid eventually because it was kind of my fault, if I had to blame someone. But I still wanted to make it all about ME, ME, ME!

There's nothing worse than your own conscience when you want to be angry. Can't help but think about what we're learning in Psychotherapy about the Id, Ego and Superego. Oh my GOSH have they been at war with each other!

I still haven't come to any conclusions. Just an affirmation that I don't like myself very much.

In the meantime, here's some friendly advice. Don't try to break up with me on Valentine's day: I might curse you to be in love with me forever - just so I could turn you down. Don't break my heart - I might curse your love life. And don't do fun things without inviting me - someone might get hurt.