Wow. Everyone's been blogging but me.

I thought I might post a word or two - probably more. Since last week's extremely long and exhausting post, I haven't had the time to write a good insightful blog. Well, I probably have, but when you get caught up in life, it's hard to get into thinking/writing mode. So I apologize if this turns out to be empty. I just had to write something down. Once again, this is meant for me. Not something put on here for the sake of my audience, but you are welcome to read if you are into reading garbage.

Not much to update on really, except that I got a letter of commendation from the big kahuna of the PCC himself, president Von Orgill.

Dear Fei,

We received a letter from a family that visited PCC on November 4th, last year. They not only had a wonderful day, but they especially made mention of their wonderful guide who was "polite and helpful and a joy to be around."

It was my pleasure to read their letter and I want to thank you for enthusiasm and thoughtfulness that generates and demonstrates a spirit of love and service to all who visit this special place.

Please accept this coupon for a free ice cream as a token of our thanks.

Sincerely,
Von D. Orgill
President.

Instead of ice cream, I got shaved ice today. I didn't end up having to share it, like I did with the bar of Twix that I got.

It's very rewarding and flattering to receive letters like that. My supervisor read the letter at our prayer meeting and then mentioned me again today, and apparently yesterday, in the other shift, where Su works. Silly as these little things are, there is something so significant in recognition that we as humans strive for it.

I don't need a letter or thank you note to know that I have given some good tours, but it's very nice to get them anyway. Probably due to the fact that I enjoy having other people know about my strengths and capabilities as well. A matter of ego, perhaps? Should I be ashamed?

I wonder if people ever have any idea how much a little thank you note can make in somebody's job. Remind me to write some.

Other than my job going at its best, all other aspects of life are generally good. My mind won't let me stop thinking about tentative plans for Columbia's spring break in March. It's something to look forward to for sure.

On the social front, I'm struggling just slightly to find my place in our little community. I've become suddenly aware of my non-attachment to my social group. They are my family here, but I'm still withdrawn from them, to a great extent. I don't quite understand myself yet, but I seem to have these mood swings. A couple of weeks of being a social butterfly who can't stand the thought of the four walls in my room, and the next week I'm back to being a hermit. Looking back, I've always had this tendency to withdraw from the world. I wonder if these mood swings have a biological rhythm, or if the lack of social interraction causes me to lose desire for any at all, until I consciouly break that downward cycle.

In most social groups I have been involved in, people tend to pair off. Since I went to an all-girls highschool, I don't mean pair off into couples romantically involved with each other. I mean, simply gravitate into pairs. I always got left out in that. Probably by choice. There wasn't anyone that I cared to be particularly close to.

The only times I have ever "paired off" have been with boys- all of whom I ended up dating because that was in the agenda in the first place. Then, of course, there was the eternal ex-boyfriend, who I hardly ever run into anymore. It's healthy. But it does leave me a single unit, without a real permanant companion.

There are lots of friends to do things with, but no one that I feel that complete openess with like best friends are supposed to. I've never had a really good girl friend. The only people I've ever opened up to completely have been boy friends. Why the heck would that be? Why does it take the Y chromosome for me to build trust? Not that I don't trust women, but there is that wall I've build that prevents me from feeling at home with them the way I feel with a guy. Things get messy when you have guys for best friends. You can't keep a guy you're not dating as a best friend forever. On the bright side, it will easy to have a spouse for my best friend, and I won't have too many issues dealing with not being able to open up to him - I hope. Yet, isn't it healthy to have girl friends on the side? What am I going to do for that?!

It struck me how "at-arms-length" my social life has been on Friday night when I really wanted to go to a party, and couldn't find anyone who wanted to go with me, besides my poor roommate, who was sick. Not her fault.

It was nice having a guy friend attached to my hip to drag around wherever I go. I don't mean to be defined by relationships, but I am somewhat at a loss because of it. I am still happy. I still ended up having a great night with my friends even though I never got to go to that party. But a big part of me yearns for that connection. Not romance, really, although we do all want that. I just want a really, really good friend. Well, one who is here anyway.

I guess I appreciate a little more now what Su was telling me about. Wishing for a friend to do things with. I guess my friend would be my sister. Having recently switched shifts, my sister and I work opposite schedules now. Man, work hasn't been the same. I keep looking out for her and then kick myself for it.

Suddenly conscious of her presence in my life, I have become very much afraid of what will happen when she transfers to BYU in Provo. I need to be taking better advantage of having family here in the school. Yet, there is some constipated part of me that causes me to withdraw even from her. There remains this huge part of me that wants to remain uninvolved with the world.

That was the problem I had while home in Malaysia. I wanted to live at home without being a part of it. I just wanted to observe and join in when it was convenient. Likewise, I'm not being as involved as I could be in Su's life. I am there when it is obvious that I'm needed, but I'm not letting her in completely. I don't understand why I can open up to the world on this blog, but am unable to just open up a little bit with my own sister. Not sure there is something I really need to spill on her, but there is that barrier I've set up. I know she wants to be closer to me and she has been trying. I wish I could find out exactly what my problem is. That will take some time. There's a lot about me even I don't understand yet.

I'm not used to thinking of myself as an introvert or anti-social. That's not what I want to be, so I refuse to think of myself in those terms. It just doesn't fit. Yet, it makes more sense now. Growing up, I was the bookworm. I didn't want to do anything but read. My family would be out doing things, and all I wanted to do was lay in bed with a book. I heard the word "self-indulgent" and "lethargic" a lot in my childhood. I still love reading, but my addiction to that world of fiction has been transformed into an attachment to my computer. The Internet. Plugging my ears with music while losing myself in that black hole of time. I don't even allow people to see me online because I don't enjoy chatting much anymore. It facilitates that same sanctuary books did for me as a child. A place to hide, to completely shut out the outer world. What am I running from anyway?

Lots more to think about, much more analyzing to do with myself. But for now, I should be worried about making it to class on time tomorrow.

Despite that depressing train of thought, which I hadn't even realized was an issue until I started writing, life is great. I am truly enjoying every moment of being here. Strangely, in the isolated world I have created for myself, I have still managed to find a way to belong.