Social Dissatisfaction

Content as I am with my life as it is right now, I have to say that I haven't been getting a whole lot of satisfaction from my social life. I apologize ahead of time - I know many of you who read this are directly involved. I think you guys are wonderful, I simply am struggling to find my place here.

I sense that I am not the only who feels this way. In the fall, our social group expanded far too quickly. In trying to diversify and avoid being "clickish" we've lost our core. We still struggle with involving everyone. Instead of having one big group, we have lots of little groups that overlap occasionally.

Friday night was interesting for me. I was out with my friends, yet I was very frustrated at our inability to make any decisions. We just sat around. A couple of people were talking to each other, some were swing dancing, and then there were a few of who were left out and just sitting on the wall. We weren't talking, or entertaining each other, or laughing. We just sat there.

I found myself wishing I was back home at my computer -ON A FRIDAY NIGHT! - and kicked myself for it. I was probably just tired.

I have become so much more aware of EVERY single detail in my interactions lately because I am paranoid about what my visitor from New York will think about my friends and I when he comes over here. I want him have fun while he is here, and I am so afraid that we will just sit around and be bored together.

Thanks to Judge who took matters into his hand, after my endless complaining about being bored and doing nothing, we finally made it to 7-11 in 3 cars. I RODE IN A CAR! WITH AIR-CONDITIONING! Things picked up for a little bit after that. I got drunk on rootbeer. Some good food. Lots of laughs.

Later that night, we went over to a friend of a friend's house and we just sat there and talked. Like I said, I probably was just tired, but I our host looked over when he noticed Su and I weren't talking. We were just sitting there. We were laughing, but we weren't contributing. This is often typical of Su, but not I. When he insisted that we talked, I couldn't think of anything. It was such a strange feeling. I sat there completely detached from the situation, analyzing everything everyone said, watching everyone fight for attention in that conversation. Trying to come up with something to say, I observed what everyone else was pitching in to see if I could come up with something just as appropriate to say. But I couldn't. People were being funny and I didn't know how to be.

They tried hard to include me, but I just felt like I didn't belong. Something was missing, I couldn't figure it out.

There's the issue of compatibility. Sometimes, I feel that so many of us in our social group are mismatched. While we do things together often (if sitting around counts), by default, and often end up having a good time, we don't always end up having a blast. There are missing links. We may be "buddies", and maybe it is just me, but I have a hard time making real friends.

I've thought about it a little and this is what I look for in a friendship:

Someone who listens as much as they talk.

Someone who shares the attention- you make each other feel special.

They make you laugh.

You make them laugh.

They make you feel funny.

They give you energy and you can get crazy together.

You enjoy your company as much as you enjoy theirs.

They bring out the best in you.

Allow you to feel safe enough to be your worst.

Have similar interests - you agree on activities.

Easy to talk to about anything.

You find them interesting.

They find you interesting.

You connect on an intellectual level.

Hardly ever get bored while with you and vice versa.

You look up to them, and they look up to you.

You genuinely care for ech other.

The bottom line is that you are allowed to be yourselves around each other and you have fun. I'm not looking for someone to talk to about intimate things. I open up like that to VERY few people. I don't look for that. Besides, that's what this blog is for. I am not looking for romance. I am very content in that department. I am simply looking for a good time.

Some people are fun while in a group with other people, but I can't connect to them personally and can't see myself having a great time with them alone. I don't feel like I am myself around them. Right now, there are a lot of people to do things with, but only 3-4 of them whose company I genuinely enjoy. The problem is that the feeling is probably not mutual. I am not close to them. They don't seek out my company as I would seek theirs. Instead, they often seek the company of someone else who I feel don't feel much of a connection with.

There is little meshing. No chemistry.

I've previously expressed a desire to have a companion. Everyone seems to pair up in social groups. I don't feel like I have someone I can claim. I have a sister - I wonder why that is not sufficient for me.

We often say things like "Oh, the group wouldn't be same without you" and we mean it, but it's so much nicer to have that one special best friend who always notices when you're not there. To have that best friend means that you will always get attention. Someone to talk to when you're walking in a big group. Someone who makes sure that you get noticed.

I know I sound needy. Like I am always unnoticed. That's not true. I get my fair share of attention, but more than wanting the spotlight, I have the desire to feel like I want to give it to someone. I just want to really LIKE someone. And have them like me the same way. You know. the feeling of "Aw man, so and so is SO cool!" You'd think that it'd be easier to do!!!

Whenever I find someone I want to make friends with, it's usually because I look up to them in some way. And it's a mutual thing. There are people I look up to but feel insecure, even boring, while I am around them. That's does not charatarize compatability.

It's strange that I always enjoy myself while with my Malaysian friends, yet I don't ever do any activities with them besides the occasional meal together. During the time I was home, I was reluctant to make local friends because I had compared them to my friends in college previously, who, I thought understood me better and allowed me to be more of myself. My "american" self. Well, I ended up making some GREAT friends while in Malaysia. Eating is a social activiy in Malaysia because we can talk forever over a small plate of food. That's mostly what we did, but we never ran out of laughs and we always looked forward to seeing each other.

Perhaps the problem is in my attitude. I don't mean to be pessimistic, just observant. I notice that I'm not always having a great time here, and know I've had a lot more of it before. I'm not used to this. I am trying to figure out why. I apologize if I have been overly critical. I don't mean to compare my friends. Either way, I see a problem, and I want to fix it.

There are some people who are so easy to mesh with. I experienced that when my cousin came over to visit. We barely knew each other, but I had a great time just sitting and talking. I want more of that. I am trying to figure out what it is exactly so I can find out what to do to get it.

I spent a lot of time last semester complaining about all the pre-mies in our social group. I was looking for a relationship, and I only look for one with someone who has served a full time mission. Not great odds. I'm not looking for that anymore, and I have found that being a pre-mie has little to do with compatibility. It's true that there are a whole lot of freshmen in our group. They keep things exciting. I've learned to love every one of them and enjoy their company in many different ways, but it could be the cause of my feeling displaced. We connect at a different level, and for some reason it is not enough for me.

What do I do? Do I look for "new friends"? That's not very nice to the friends I do have. Do I just think of things to do so we never realize that we're not compatible? Do we need to become more like each other?

All I am saying is that I would like a good relationship that can be found here, outside of my room and off the computer and not just in a phonecall from New York. In the meantime, I will work on my attitude, make the best of what I have been blessed with, try harder to be a better friend and I know things will fall into place.