Long-distance connection.

A whole week since the last time Matthew walked me home and kissed me goodnight. Two since we watched A Midsummer Night's Dream together. Then it was back to trying to focus in school and readjust priorities so the void wasn't so blatantly obvious.

Hasn't been a great week for either of us. For me, at least, it hasn't been because it has been particularly bad. In fact, it held many great moments of its own (Winter Ball, a $50 tip that I get to keep because it was a Traveller's Cheque) only in contrast to the little slice of heaven we got to taste this week was far more bleak and lonesome.

The week itself went too quickly for me to complain, but this weekend has brought moments of love-sickness and clingy-ness that has left me quite disappointed with myself. I had gotten so used to being free from any sort of strong emotional attatchment to anyone and felt good about being able to be happy alone. This constant pining and missing somebody is typical of Fei, but I thought that I had overcome that part of me.

I guess I was wrong.

Winter Ball was great fun. I was so glad that most of my friends had gone together in a quasi-group-date situation. They were so fun to dance with. Thank you, Vasu asking me to the ball or I would not have gone.

That having been said, I have to admit that I had never missed Matthew more in my life. I was having a great time, but I kept wishing that Matt could be there and it just frustrated me to have felt that way.

Last semester, I went to the ball dragging Rachael and Jared with me at the last minute because all the girls were getting all pretty and I felt left out. I decided that I could either stay home and be miserable and hate myself for being sad over such a trivial thing, or just go and leave myself no excuse to feel left out. So I did. And I had a blast. I did not care that I had no loved one to be there with. It was more than enough fun dancing and trading partners.

It bothered me that I could not enjoy myself to the same degree this time around.

I guess the key to being happy and enjoying yourself is to not compare anything and simply take it in that moment. I know that would have at least made the Magic Show just a little more impressive.

I'm not sure if it makes any sense, but I managed to have a great time on Thursday night while missing Matt terribly. I'd like to think that it wasn't a relationship that I was craving, but him in particular. Still, I have no basis in which to draw that conclusion. All I know was that I could get the song they had for the last dance out of my head for the longest time. And it's freakin' Daniel Beddingfield for crying out loud. Stupid pop music. Why do I have to like their lyrics?!

So here I am, finding myself texting him when I get restless and feeling tempted to pick the phone up to call him every 3 seconds when I was perfectly satisfied with talking to him just 3-4 times a week before. There's this part of me that is trying desperately to reach out to him, just to remind myself that he is there. That we can still connect, even though we are so far apart.

So, Matt, this is me, apologizing for sending you text messages on your cell even though I have nothing to say, really, except that I miss you and am thinking of you. For feeling the need to talk to you about absolutely nothing at 4am your time.

One more week. One more week should be enough for me to learn to wean myself from your presence.