Now that my brain has solidified again...

Home finally, after days of floating around and having fun outside of my room. Feels good to have time alone. It's conflicting. I want to spend every single minute with Matt, but I also understand how important it is to have me time still.

This week is going just wonderful. I have made so many new friends, and am simply on cloud number nine with this romance thing. It's going way too fast!

It's an interesting time for me. I feel some strange pressure to decide NOW where this relationship is going. What takes people months to decide, I am trying to cram into 10 days. We should take it slow. Really, I don't know how. I don't think I'd ever done that before.

Right now, I am enthralled by this man. I would love to see us end up together. I love what I see in person. We're getting very comfortable around each other. We've always talked about our futures together, not like a hypothetical, but more of statements. But really, we're still exploring the possibility of such a future.

I guess I have my doubts. Not about him - I love him - but more about me and how prepared I am for this. I've gotten so comfortable being single with a relationship at arms length. Like a safety net. I am afraid that my desire for a relationship and change is affecting my perception of my current romance.

I am afraid that I am only riding along on his love for me. You know, the feeling of "he sees something in this, so I guess he's right and I do too". I hope that's not what I feel. I would really like to see this go somewhere.

I don't know how this is supposed to work.

The days I spend with Matt are so carefree. I'm happy to be with him, he's happy to be with me. But that isn't reality. He's only here for 10 days. We don't get to see how we function together when both of us should have other priorities. Being in a relationship brings out my weaknesses. I let my defenses down. Suddewnly I'm clingy and needy and trying to be difficult because I get rewarded with attention. So much for having matured and outgrown that emotional need.

It's late. My thoughts are garbled. You get what comes out even though I may not really mean it.

A big part of me is worried about what happens as soon as he leaves. Can I really snap back into the routine I was in before or will the distance be much more painful this time? What do I do with myself?

I'll save that worry for later, I think. Just trying to second guess myself. I just don't want to do the wrong thing. I hate these big decisions.

I wish we had more time. This whole week, I'm tormenting myself with questions: "Is he really what I need" "Am I what he needs" "Are we good for each other" "Do I enjoy myself around him" and vice versa "How do we communicate" "How do we act in social settings" "Do I see a postive future" etc. So far, every part of me wants to scream in approval. But see, I'd seriously thought about getting married before. They all didn't work out. And now I'm glad I didn't jump into it too fast. Am I jumping into this head first?

I hope not. I want this to be it. That's exactly what I am afraid of. That this desire may overshadow my perception of reality.

No hurry, I remind myself. A few more days of trying to spend as much time as possible with him and then it's back to talking to each other on the phone.

Wherever this goes, I am having one of the best weeks in my life. Not going to do anything regrettable. Only good things to come.