Behind the scenes: Dear Matthew,

This email is a prologue to the article I published on here. That was one of the many articles I had read in between and after writing to Matthew. There were many good ones, but I found that the most appropriate. You can count on me publishing a few more here in the future.

For those interested in finding out the inner workings of my relationship with Matthew (can you spell Mom?), I hope you enjoy this backstage tour of our little movie.

I guess it's back to spending time on you in the way that I am most familiar - on the computer. Writing.

I suppose it's appropriate for me to say something now, after a week that went way to fast for my taste has come and gone. You're on your plane right now. Probably flying over some corn fields or something. Asleep maybe? I can only imagine. Of course, by the time you read this you'd be safe at home. Maybe in class.

So girly and silly of me, but I really do miss you already. Tomorrow will be back to the burner for me. Maybe too busy to talk. That will be strange, I expect.

I know that I will encounter moments of nostalgia here and there. Every once in a while I'll walk down some path and think: I remember when Matthew was here and we walked down here holding hands. I'll wake up some mornings and remember that I'm not meeting you that day. Not at the Alisa's anyway. But, I think I can get used to the good ole telephone for comfort.

Ok. Thoughts on the week.

I really regret not having spent more time with my sister. I wonder why I didn't think of that while you were here. Ah well. There's always next time.

On the whole, this week has left me more in love with you than ever. Right now, I'm still trying to distinguish between the things that I love about you and the things that I love because they're you. I'm not sure if it makes any sense and I suppose both are intertwined anyway,but I'd still like to really understand it.

Forgive me for doubting. It isn't you that I doubt, it's my own judgement. I want to make sure that I approach our relationship with a clear head. The one thing I've learned is that it's possible to make any relationship work with a lot of comitment, compromise and a strong foundation on the gospel, or at least a common life-goal.

You don't even need to be completely in love to have a lasting relationship. I mean, my grandparents were matched-made. It worked out. They struggled, but they grew into each other and they made the best of it.

I can definitely see ours working out in the future. I can see us working through our problems, being there for each other, spending time with each other. Being parents together and all the scary stuff adults do.

But we are used to making the best of things. I guess the questions I'm trying to answer isn't "I wonder if our relationship can last", but more of "I wonder if this relationship can provide for my needs" (or vice versa: "I wonder if I can provide the needs for this relationship") "Will it be difficult to find happiness in this
relationship?" "How capable are we of becoming 'one body'?" Or I can be the hopeless romantic and ask myself "Can I fall in love with him every day for the rest of my life?"

Every relationship can yield happiness (and sorrow), I guess what I have been looking for is the right combination of characteristics to yield the MOST joy, with the least difficulty.

In essence, I'm asking myself: "Is this the best there is?" I want to be able to look back and know that I made the right choice. We'll have our differences. Every relationship will have a unique set of problems. I just need to find out if these are ones that I will not regret choosing.

So I've been picky. I know you understand that. It should be flattering to you that you have made it past my pickiness. Still, I'm sorry if I continue to compare you to others. I don't mean to, but because I am looking for what is best for me, not simply what could work, there has to be some comparison involved. Maybe I'm going about this all the wrong way. I don't know. I just don't want to settle. I want to be blown away every day by the person I'm married to. Right now, I'd love for that person to be you so I have to figure out if you fit.

Part of the my confusion is that I know how capable I am of moulding to my surroundings. I can make myself believe that I want to marry someone by changing what I am looking for so he fits the part. I just need to make sure that loving you is true to me, and not an end in itself.

It's the toss up between is it "I really do love him" or "I can learn to love him".

My doubts make me nervous. I don't want to be trying too hard. Should I go with my gut and not overthink things? I don't know what my gut is saying, but there are other organs that definitely know what they want!

What I am sure of: You are the best there is for me now. There is no one else in my life right now that could compare. You are my best friend and you fit my "list" so well. I love our intimate talks together, how you make me feel safe. How you love me. I love your body. I love how easy it is to have fun around you and how easily you make friends. I love your puppy-dog eyes. The fact that you cried looking at the temple. How in tune you are with your boyhood. I love your mind. There are so many things that I love about you. What I am trying to do now is to see how our strengths and weaknesses go together.

When I wrote "the best there is for me now" a chill ran down my spine. My mom had used that term before when her marriage was under a lot of heat. In her hurt and regret, she had to look back at their courtship. I mean, you can't say that you regret your marriage when you already have 6 kids who have become your life. She would say sometimes "I should have seen the signs". But she had prayed about it. It was the right decision. Right? "He was the best there was for me at that time" she said.

"At that time". It'd be stupid to wait around to see if you can find something better when you have something great going for you.

I also remember her saying that when they had met, she thought they had fit really well. Because their relationship is all I know (never seen them with anyone else), I can see how they fit. They are both incredibly intelligent, achievement oriented, active in church, natural born leaders, youngest of 7 in the family, converts. Mom's first language was Chinese, and Dad English. There were some problems there at first, although my mom was quite proficient in English, there were some things she felt she couldn't express, and language difference = cultural difference. English became her first language though. I guess that's ONE way of doing it. Dad came from a rich family, mom from a poor. That worked out fine.

I don't know why I feel compelled to tear apart my parents' relationship. I think on the whole, I DO find them quite compatible. I think their largest setback was that they didn't communicate everything. But that's just my observation. I need to talk to Mom. She will have wisdom and insight to offer me.

I started this email and interrupted writing it with a trip to Chevron with my friends. I had some time to think in between now and then. I realize that I feel confused because more than having to decide if you and I are right for each other in the long run, I need to figure out the science of our attraction to each other. Since we did things in reverse order I find myself questioning our "chemistry". The simple basis for every relationship. For some reason, it's important for me to find out if I would have chosen to date you had we met in "real life". I mean, who we are on paper is so different than who we project in person. It makes me wonder who I am crossing out my list here that I would date had I first seen on paper.

I feel like I should apologize for being so doubtful. You seem to be sure that I am what you want. I would like to be as sure. And sometimes I think I am. Then I start doubting again. Urrrgh. I'm not used to this. I'm used to being in over my head ALL the time. I keep going in and out of that now. Is that OK with you? Can you wait for me to sort all this out?

It occured to me that there are resources I can turn to for counsel. I thought about Mom (I bought a phonecard from Chevron) and all those talks about marriage and courtship (I read a ton tonight) and other people with advice. It's conflicting to have to think about our(there's that dreaded word again) compatibility on so many different levels. I must have skipped a few steps here. I forget that you date to find out that's the person for you to marry. I am so particular about what I am looking for and put so much thought into compatibility that by the time I find someone I want to date, I immediately feel pressure to move to the next step.

Part of what contributes to this, I think, is my tendency to analyze people and relationships. People often have trouble fully grasping what they are getting themselves into. What kind of person their boyfriend/girlfriend is and how they go together and so they date to try and figure it out. I seem used to having drawn conclusions even BEFORE dating and am perhaps too sensitive to every little detail. Now that I don't have a whole lot to work with, my brain is going overtime trying to map this image of you and me and how we go together in my head. Time. I just need to give myself time. I don't understand why I am in such a hurry. Grrr!

Aaah. Enough. Enough. I meant to write to you to tell you how much I love you and miss you, instead I told you about how doubtful I am in 10000 million different ways. Great. I turned an email into a blog.

Darling, I love you. I do. I am sure of that. I want more time with you not simply because I want to "figure you out", but because I enjoy the time we spend together. I want more of that. I know that much. I love it when we talk about things that matter to us. It's easy to resolve concerns with you. I really like that.

Really, I just can't wait to get to spend more time with you, even if it's over the phone or the computer. I think another game of word racer is in order. More doodling. More online fun.

Time to end this email before it gets any longer. I think I'll finish reading a few more articles and then go to bed. Have a great day at school my love.

Wo ai ni.
Fei.

Sent on Monday, March 21, 2:40am.